Does death of a loved one change someone forever? (therapy, college, parent)

[Trafalgar Law]

I don't usually like to talk to people about this and in actual life, I haven't ever really sat down with anyone to talk about this but I don't know any of you and you don't know me. I like that. I feel more comfortable sharing here.

Does death of a loved one change a person? Even if it's several years later?

Neither my mother or father were around when I was growing up, as consultants they would be preoccupied traveling for conferences or meetings or projects all over. I was raised by my grandmother who lived with me and my siblings, I'm the eldest of the siblings. When my grandmother passed away, I loved all my memories with her, when she passed I felt angry at myself for taking time with her for granted. I wish I could go back in time, I think about this often.

The big one was when my youngest brother passed away. He was 4.5 years old, he passed away September 11, 2009 (9-11 means something completely different for me). This one haunts me everyday of my life, the last time I saw him, I was getting in the car to go to college for the first time. I looked at him standing in the window on the front door and waved, before I exited the house, I remember he wanted to spend some time with me. I loved my brother, more than I could imagine, it hurts everyday knowing that I cared for someone that much yet brushed them off so swiftly just to beat the afternoon traffic. I remember when my parents called me, I was sitting on a chair in front of my laptop screen downloading Sherlock Holmes the movie. My parents told me how he is at the hospital and in critical condition, I didn't give a care in the world at that point about how fast but I got in my car immediately and drove 10-15 miles above the speed limit to get home to Houston from Austin in time. I was pulled over twice on the way, in which case I scolded both cops that it's a life or death emergency, they let me proceed. I got to Houston, it was around the evening time, it had rained so hard along the way that it took an hour extra. I didn't make it in time, my father kept telling me that they told him minutes before he passed that I was coming. My father told me he was able to move and feel again when they were talking about me and everything seemed like it was going into recovery and then he suddenly shook and passed away.

I always blame myself, his passing was on me. It was my fault, even if it wasn't, I cant ever take back the last time I saw him. I cant take it back and re-due it.

Going forward, my other two younger brothers are both my responsibility. I just hope in life we continue moving closer together socially, I wont ever take having someone for granted again but I feel I'm living a damaged life. I cant get the weight of either my grandmother or brother off my shoulders, I just cant.

Looking back at how it's changed my personality. After my brother passed away, I tossed my cell phone in the garbage, went and bought a new one, changed the number, deactivated my Facebook and never talked to the friends I had at that time again. It took me over a year and a half to recover socially, to recover and get back to "normal life" to start anew and made new friends over the years and a new life.

I cant quite put it but especially as of late, I've been having a lot of these remorseful moments.

[Tracysherm]

Someone once taught me that what's more important is that the LIFE of the loved one, and having had the chance to know them, is what really affects your life forever. Don't let their death affect you forever; let their life affect you forever.

Unless you actually killed a person, or you were responsible for a child's welfare and committed neglect that caused their death, you are not responsible for a person's death.

The best thing we can all do is remember that person, continue to feel love for them, and live the best life we can to honor that person. It helps when you have belief in religion or at least in some sort of afterlife. I believe that our departed loved ones check in with us from time to time and share in feeling any happiness we experience. So experiencing happiness is like sharing a gift with them. I also believe they, being beyond our earthly human faults, don't carry resentment or blame.

[mordant]

All major life events impact you and therefore change you. It is unavoidable, and besides, if you lose someone you really love and it doesn't change you then you don't really love them.

I have buried my parents, my oldest brother, and my previous wife ... I can tell you that grief and loss doesn't have to change you for the worse if you handle it properly. I treasure within myself the best things about the people I have lost and they are still with me in that way. I am better off for having known them, even though they were human, with human failings, and therefore sometimes failed me. Each of them taught me something positive. Many positive things, actually.

All of us fail, to varying extents, to value the present moment and the best things about our loved ones while they are with us. All of us would have acted differently had we known the end was coming. In the case of all but my mother, who died in a car accident, I was forewarned and forearmed. My mother never imposed unrealistic expectations on me or left anything unsaid between us, so even that unexpected dissolution was not fraught with such issues, but I am lucky in that regard and very much the exception. Usually death is an unexpected and unwelcome visitor and tears at the fabric of our unfinished business.

Your little bro knew you loved him, looked up to you, and I don't think he was disappointed in you. He knew you were rushing to his side. There really isn't anything more reasonable to demand of you -- whether the demand would have come from him, or some god, or others in the family. You are young, which is pretty much inherently self-absorbed ... you'll grow out of it like everyone else does. You're not a bad person.

So treasure your little bro and carry the best of him with you. Symbolically, you can strive to experience life with great self awareness, as if fulfilling both his unrealized potential as well as yours -- I'd think that could be quite satisfying. And a comfort to your parents, who don't need more to grieve about than they already have.

It'll be okay ... and one more thing. Grief is a spiral, not a straight line. It will hit you hard, then leave you alone awhile, then hit you hard again just when you think you are getting over it. It comes in wave upon wave. This is normal. It gets better eventually. So just let it have its way with you. It is your subconscious spoon-feeding your "new reality" to you in doses that you can handle.

[tinytrump]

depends on circumstances but stable folks who are emotionally rounded- No-I gained 40 lbs but did not change the ME

[judd2401]

If you lose someone you love, you lose a part of you, yes it changes you, but change is a constant in life, and we're designed to keep moving forward and when grieved properly, you are left with the positive memories of that person, and continue to live your life. If you're hanging on to guilt, anger, resentment, etc., you're not able to grieve and let go which is essential in moving forward and taking those positive memories with you.

[LookingatFL]

Hi Red John,

What you are feeling is grief. Grief is an individual journey. It is different for every single person and depends a lot upon your resilience to change, support structure, religious beliefs, age at the time of loss, and relationship to the deceased.
Because it is an individual journey, every grief journey is different. There is no set time table for how long we grieve. It takes as long as it takes and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everything you are feeling is normal for grief.

Grief is a process: it is a way for you to find a means to continue the bond you shared with your little brother.

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered the study of personal trauma (which includes grief). She came up with five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and for a long time this became the standard measure of how grief progressed. At some point therapists began to realize that just because a person reached acceptance about a death, it did not necessarily mean that the grief was ended or the person was "healed or had "moved on". People who were grieving would often state even multiple years later that they did not feel "healed" and would make statements to the effect that: "they would never be healed". This seems to be true because to people who have not experienced this intensity of emotion it is believed that once you accept that a person is dead you will "move on with life" and no longer miss them, or if you miss them it won't hurt. But it does hurt. I think of it like a broken bone. With time the bone knits together and it is "healed", but it only takes a very cold winter day or a very rainy day and suddenly you feel an ache. The bone is healed but the ache is there.

In 1996, there was a shift in thinking. People who studied grief realized that it is normal for the bereaved to have what is termed "a continuing bond" with the dead person. This understanding sort of redirected Dr. Kübler-Ross' grief model. Now it is accepted that the bereaved do not "let go" or "detach" once acceptance is reached. Instead a new relationship is formed. In other words, grief really isn't about letting go, or forgetting, or even moving on. We move on naturally, taken ahead by the currents of time whether or not we want to go. We don't forget unless we have some brain condition like Amnesia or Alzheimer's Disease. We don't let go. Who would want to let go of someone that they love? Grief is really about finding a new way to stay connected to that which we love. We do this in lots of ways. Sometimes we do it in dreams. Sometimes we do it in memories. Sometimes we talk to them in our heads. Sometimes we pray to them. Sometimes we wear their clothing or accessories. Sometimes we keep their pictures. Sometimes a song will remind us of them. There are so very many ways that we maintain the bond that I don't think it is possible to list every single way there is.

Yes, you will be changed forever. You have been given a wisdom and all wisdom changes us. No one has ever been able to tell me that there is a healthy stage where we are able to forget the experience/struggle and return to a more innocent time. The best I have ever heard is that we will not experience grief moments as often, they will not last as long, they will not be as painful.

There are grief therapists who can help you through this. Hospice may offer grief therapy without charge even if your brother did not need Hospice care.

Please accept my sympathies.

[tinytrump]

we all have our own time.. to mourn to love etc. if you feel you need extra time take it- if you think you need a Drs. help go get it. but one really cannot see what the next one does in these matters, too personal, and very different. My grand of 7 went to heaven I lost it for a time,,, following year my middle son- I did better, so can't determine these things.