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Yes, you're doing the right thing. Never look back or feel the need to defend your position on why; they don't hear you, and only someone who's experienced the same will completely understand.
There seems to be a lot of us with these types of mothers on here - which is sad really.
Sad, but makes me feel like I'm not crazy and not the only one who's suffered with this.
Ha! It's never too late or too early to cut dysfunctional people out of your life. My mom was pretty kooky and I started to cut her out of my life when I was about 10. I recognized her craziness when I was that young. Fortunately, she left and I was raised by a great dad and an awesome stepmother
I am pregnant with my first - and after a horrible conversation this morning with my mother where she threatened to not be a part of my child's life, I am taking her up on this threat. I blocked her numbers and her email from all of my accounts. I have dealt with her at this point for decades, and excused her and her family's behavior, but now that the stakes are higher, it's time.
I didn't feel great, like it felt mean to do, but I feel relief, like I'm starting a new chapter without this abusive person to drag me down. I feel sorry that she and my dad will miss out on my kid's lives, and I am making an effort not to see them at holidays, but I don't want the kids to experience what I experienced.
Has anyone else successfully cut out a toxic parent (or parents)?
You are wise to do it at this time in your life. Once they get their nails in the child...sometimes its too late.
I waited until my youngest was preschool age. Her age caused me to have a lot of flashbacks about abuse from that phase in my life. And I knew my kids weren't safe with her. Somehow I had known it all along, and they had never been alone with her. And because of her weirdness, she never even tried to bond with them. So the separation was easy in many ways. She didn't come after grandparents rights or anything. And we live far apart.
If you aren't, seeing a therapist at this time could be really helpful. If your mom is cray cray, you are going to need perspective about your own parenting. And maintaining the break needs help. But make sure they support the break from your mom, not all therapists do
I am pregnant with my first - and after a horrible conversation this morning with my mother where she threatened to not be a part of my child's life, I am taking her up on this threat. I blocked her numbers and her email from all of my accounts. I have dealt with her at this point for decades, and excused her and her family's behavior, but now that the stakes are higher, it's time.
I didn't feel great, like it felt mean to do, but I feel relief, like I'm starting a new chapter without this abusive person to drag me down. I feel sorry that she and my dad will miss out on my kid's lives, and I am making an effort not to see them at holidays, but I don't want the kids to experience what I experienced.
Has anyone else successfully cut out a toxic parent (or parents)?
You did the right thing. I have a saying, "you can do bad by yourself, you don't need anyone else to bring you down". I'm lucky that my parents were great, my mom passed and she was wonderful and loving and my father is wonderful too and I call him every day. I don't speak to my sister, it's not that I won't it's that she can't be bothered to pick up the phone when I used to call. I'm fine if we see each other once a year at Christmas since I moved away. I love her, I just don't like her that much.
You did the right thing. I have a saying, "you can do bad by yourself, you don't need anyone else to bring you down". I'm lucky that my parents were great, my mom passed and she was wonderful and loving and my father is wonderful too and I call him every day. I don't speak to my sister, it's not that I won't it's that she can't be bothered to pick up the phone when I used to call. I'm fine if we see each other once a year at Christmas since I moved away. I love her, I just don't like her that much.
My relationship with my mom was pretty good until she went demented. Things got really hairy when I had to take the car keys away. I must say that her death was a big relief.
Unfortunately I found correspondence among her stuff showing she was a much less nice person than I imagined, to many people.
It's very confusing having a mother that you realize is just plain mean...and doesn't have your best interests at heart...when I was in CICU my mother breezes in and announces to the doctors "they better take good care of her(me) cause that's my daughter"...and she was completely serious...another time I had miscarried a child and recuperated at my mother's and anyone who called to ask how I was she would say " DD is fine but did you know I got a parking ticket in front of the hospital?" and go into details about her ticket...I think she came off as a total narcissist... I am her only child (she delighted in telling me it was my Dad's issue and how she wanted 7 kids)...so ironically I have to take care of her now in her "golden" years...and let me tell you mean people don't mellow with age...I have detatched myself completely from her...I take care of her physical needs but refuse to engage in her on an emotional level...which she notices and tells me what a cold daughter I am...but I let it roll off my back...she can no effect me no matter how she screams and carries on...
No. Respect is earned. It can be built up and it can be forfeited. The idea that one must automatically respect one's parents is preposterous. Mine used that one on me too, growing up. It was easier to use Colossians to browbeat me into outward compliance than it was to behave so as to earn my respect.
It's not mean to dismiss a toxic person. It's sane. And if one wants or needs to say something mean to a toxic person, then that is better than remaining silent. If the OP's mother is toxic, as described, the only concern is how the OP will feel about it later, and she should say whatever she will not regret that will help her move on.
This whole morality, that we should never really fight back against evil and that we should let parents get away with murder forever, is why I left the religion I was raised in. I found it unacceptably weak in moral values.
+1000.
The poster that said to be loving & respectful just because she's the mom? Hell nah.
And like clockwork she comes back. She's sick again and now EVERYONE is like "I know you guys don't get along but you really should..."
A little backstory, when she was sick the last time I left my job to move home and take care of her. This was about 3 years ago. As SOON as she felt better, she reverted to her evil abusive ways, and here we are. And now I suppose I'm expected to do the same with a full-time job and pregnant. I really can't. I don't want to.
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