is 4 years too long to be miserable? (parent, people)

[Serious Conversation]

Originally Posted by Listener2307

Actually.... I feel your pain.
Not that I am in your situation. And it's not like I hate it where I am. And it's not like I miss the same things you miss.

But.... when I "converse" with the people from my area the "conversation" always tilts in favor of either talking about the people of our town or sports, and college sports in particular. Unfortunately, the people I converse with include members of my wife's family. One of whom actually lives with us!
The chore of listening to all this mindless drivel is sometimes too much. "Who is so-and-so's ex whatever; Isn't that Jack's son?; Ole Miss recruited (XX), that ought to help!; I heard that he has slept with 80% of his clients.......... There is no end. I hate it.

But oddly enough I love my life. I made friends with a couple of people (and I just found a third!) who feel the same way I do. And although we are greatly different - even in age - we feel the same way about the dumb-down effect of living here. We have laughed about it and in the end have agreed it is just something we have to do.
I, myself, am retired. So I'm not going anywhere. One of the others is very young and she is making plans to form a career somewhere else. And another is tied to the area through his business. So we all have to put up with it for a while.

You do too. But don't stop searching. There are people in your area who are just as desperate as you. Find them. Listen and watch and talk to people. First you will make one friend and then maybe another.

But be careful. You may adapt so well to your new surroundings that when you move back to the city you will remember why you left in the first place!

Agreed. I'm from a small, relatively isolated metro in northeast Tennessee. I went to college here and didn't leave until I was almost 26, aside from short stints in other rural to semi-rural areas.

I moved to Des Moines, IA. Didn't much care for the job, but was really shocked at how much more worldly and educated the people seemed. There were all sorts of amenities I never had. I was in heaven at the Whole Foods hot bar - I could get a nutritious, fresh meal for $7-$10!. Around here, the hot bars basically serve greasy, fatty stuff. I lived across the street from the biggest, nicest mall in the state - here, I had to drive three hours to Charlotte for a mall like that.

I moved to Indianapolis and lived in the most affluent suburb, so I had even more amenities than in Des Moines. It took about six months to get accustomed to it, and another six months to feel like home. I had a good two years, but the last year sucked due to a bad job. I eventually moved back home when I got a job back here in Tennessee.

Like you, I do get tired of the small-mindedness. I miss the bigger city amenities - more shopping, better malls, being able to go to sporting events, better dating pool, etc. I make a good income and have little job stress, which counts for a lot. I'm not miserable here but I want more out of life than most people in the area seem to. Some of the people I know back here talk about how desirable it is because it's "close to.." but the point is, it's not "those places."

This type of thing never really changes. Either you accept the new place as it is and deal with its faults, you suffer through it, or you move on.

[keraT]

I am sorry you are in this situation. Sometimes we just don't connect with people or place and there is nothing we can do. But if you must stay for 4 years, why not look for ways you can take full advantage of this short time there instead of hating this experience. Regardless of when you go back to your old city, you will keep this experience with you forever & it is up to you to create what type of experience you want to take back with you


Do something crazy.. something different.. you will move out of this place soon enough


Start singing karaoke at local palce,,, they don't have karaoke place? buy mic and machine & throw crazy yard party..
Steal everyones newspaper in the morning & see how fanatic they go. Do pranks around town and laugh your heart out.
sit down with neighbor and listen to them or maybe start a project with them
Read books, lots of books...


Once you are back to the city, you will not have free time to do things you wanted to do like reading or working on car or ..whatever. How far are you from closest city? go there for some pick me up

[theatomicbomb90]

I felt that way about college. a solid 4 years of soul crushing unhappiness.

[chicagoliz]

Originally Posted by theatomicbomb90

I felt that way about college. a solid 4 years of soul crushing unhappiness.

That sucks. College should be the greatest 4 years of your life. If it's not, switch colleges or don't go.

[Ltdumbear]

PLEASE. I have'nt experienced ANY 'joy' or 'happiness' in my life since stepping-down from active-duty in July of 1990.


From that point, onwards, it has been UP-HILL E.V.E.R.Y. S.T.E.P. OF THE WAY.


I STILL don't drink, I STILL have'nt partaken of any 'recreational-drugs' of ANY kind (to 'take my mind off the daily-grind') and I STILL have'nt taken out any of my guns and SHOT anyone.


Still hanging on, STILL believing that there IS a 'light at the end of the tunnel' somewhere, and I am STILL moving steadily-forward as best I can.


NO excuse for whining. NONE whatsoever.


If CHRIST could make it up that hill carrying that cross, after ALL that abuse...SO CAN WE ALL ! ! !

[double6's]

smoke some medical marijuana..you'll feel better..

[WyoNewk]

You asked for thoughts and experiences. Here ya go.

I was recruited to work in the town I'm currently in 46 years ago. I visited and found it ugly and depressing so turned down a decent offer, then took a similar job in a nice town for a little less money. Six months went by and the offer from the "recruiter" doubled. That got our attention. I'd just spent 4 years in the military (against my will, sts), so we decided we could stomach a little ugliness for 4-5 years in exchange for a savings account that would let me make a down payment on the type business I wanted. I quickly learned to live with it, but my wife hated it.

As is typical, life seldom works exactly as you have it planned, and two years later I made a $20K down payment on the business I wanted in my home state and gave my notice. "Recruiter" tells me I don't need to do that. They'll give me 10% of their business if I'll stay, plus the $20K in cash that I'd spent on the other business, plus double my pay again and sell me another 10% at a price half its worth, AND loan me the money to do it. I said I didn't think so; my wife said oh yes we will! We agreed to change that 4 years to 10 years.

So in 10 years I sold out, and just about that time the business that I wanted, in one of the most beautiful areas of the Rocky Mountain West, came on the market. I had ample money to buy it outright at that point, so I made a deal with the owner contingent on my wife's OK. Nope. She didn't want to move. She'd found happiness in Uglytown and wasn't about to leave. She said I could buy the business and commute by (our) plane on weekends, but she wasn't moving. (It was ~1,000 miles away, over the Rockies!)

I'm still here (although wife #1 and I divorced and she's moved on). It's no longer Uglytown; it's pretty nice. The area (Wyoming) is beautiful. I love it. My friends are here. My son lives here. His son and daughter live nearby. Nowhere else really interests me.


You've not given your new home a chance. Not even close. Giving it 4 years is fair, but forget the countdown. Instead, try learning to like it. Meet people. Join groups. Start a hobby that works in that town. JOIN that community and give it your all for four years. Acclimate. (We had to learn that driving 300 miles round trip for a good pizza was an enjoyable drive.) If you still want to get out in 4 years, leave. At worst, you will have learned about living in a small town. You'll have a new set of friends and lots of experiences you'd otherwise never get in the city. IOWs, you'll be a better person for it.

Good luck. I hope you give it your all. Life can be great just about anywhere in North America if you give it a fair chance.

[Seadory]

You have many nice posts to consider here andrew! If I were you, I'd heed the advise of Listener and scour the neighborhood for like-minded people. I would also urge you to reflect on KeraT's suggestion and form a karaoke club. Her idea about stealing everyone's newspaper is excellent. People will laugh & laugh. "Oh there goes Andy!" They'll be calling you Andy by then.

After you've established yourself as the community prankster, I recommend that you and the Missus become avid gun enthusiasts! Smoke cigarettes too. https://youtu.be/G7dFHvovhMo People will see you strolling down the street with your guns, while casually puffing on a cigarette, and they'll say, "Oh look everyone! It's Andy and his wife. Sooo sangfroid."

Whatever you do Do Not read the novels of John Cheever. Don't drink. And please don't drink while reading Cheever.

[bawac34618]

I've been miserable since 2012. Also moved to a small city from a large city I loved. I won't be able to leave until 2020.

Miserable has somewhat become the "new normal" for me so it's much more tolerable than it was during the first few years. However, I so much long to return to my early twenties. I so much wish I could tell my 23 year old self to enjoy my life to its full potential because those years (2009-2012) were the best it would get for a long, long time, if ever.

I would say 4 years is too long to be miserable, but sometimes we make decisions that have long reaching consequences, especially when we are young. Know that I am there with you and if I had a viable way out, I would take it. Life is what it is and we have to take it one day at a time and we have to take what comes at us. One thing that helps me is to remember how things could be much worse.

[Chicago South Sider]

A day is too long to be miserable.