Is it o.k. to not care what other people think about you? (dating, parent)

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

And I see your example with your kids, as, maybe you decided not to care what outsiders thought, but I believe you really did care what your kids thought. Or rather, what sort of thinking was unacceptable and would not continue to be tolerated. Your kids seemed to think they could treat you badly and mooch off of you, and get away with it. So you threw them out. You didn't let your son come back until he had CHANGED HIS THINKING.

You decided whose thought processes had any weight in your decisions, and whose did not.

I still don't "care" what my ds thinks, its how he acts. He can think what he wants, but treat me with respect. He doesn't have to bow and grovel every time he sees me, but just be nice. After a broken arm, a broken finger, a pilfered bank account, and me spending the night locked in my car in terror from him, with police doing nothing, I had good reason to throw him out. Why did I let him back in? He was living literally on the streets. Homeless shelters around here wouldn't accept him unless he was employed! He got a true awakening! He really has changed for the better, but he knows what could happen if he backslides. Life's a cruel teacher, but sometimes the most effective.


Oh, and him living on the streets didn't change my thinking. I didn't feel sorry for him. He put himself there. Living on the streets changed his thinking. He realized how cruel life can be, and what a treasure a family who loves you!


You're right, I never changed MY thinking. He was always my son, I always loved him and would do the best for him, but he had to change his thinking, that I'm not some dog to be kicked around. I also changed my thinking about myself, that regardless of whomever else is involved, I respect myself!


How's that song go "......learning to love myself, is the greatest love of all"


And I don't care what anyone else out there thinks about all this

[ClaraC]

I really don't understand people who say they don't care what other people think. And I certainly don't want to have anyone around me who, in general, doesn't care what other people think.

Because yeah, we all know those people who refuse to take feedback that they are making everyone else miserable.

I think people think that's independent, or courageous, or somehow a symptom of good character to claim they don't care about anyone else's opinion except their own.

It isn't. It's refusal to take responsibility for your behaviors and how they can negatively affect others.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by greatblueheron

Heard something similar:

When someone talking negatively about you...


"You are not in it..."
yes but they said____

"You are not in it..."

It might be about you but it shouldn't concern you. What is said reflects back to the person(s) talking, not the person talked about...

That was Maya Angelou, telling Oprah Winfrey that a slanderous media piece wasn't about her, it was really about the caustic personality of the writer.

In that case, she was right.

But often, the person IS "in it" if they'd done something harmful to someone else and now they're paying for it by people telling the story and rightfully distancing themselves.

I love Maya Angelou. She had the capability of seeing when something was about HER, or something was about the deliverer of the insult instead.

[Remington Steel]

Originally Posted by MaryleeII

I still don't "care" what my ds thinks, its how he acts. He can think what he wants, but treat me with respect. He doesn't have to bow and grovel every time he sees me, but just be nice. After a broken arm, a broken finger, a pilfered bank account, and me spending the night locked in my car in terror from him, with police doing nothing, I had good reason to throw him out. Why did I let him back in? He was living literally on the streets. Homeless shelters around here wouldn't accept him unless he was employed! He got a true awakening! He really has changed for the better, but he knows what could happen if he backslides. Life's a cruel teacher, but sometimes the most effective.


Oh, and him living on the streets didn't change my thinking. I didn't feel sorry for him. He put himself there. Living on the streets changed his thinking. He realized how cruel life can be, and what a treasure a family who loves you!


You're right, I never changed MY thinking. He was always my son, I always loved him and would do the best for him, but he had to change his thinking, that I'm not some dog to be kicked around. I also changed my thinking about myself, that regardless of whomever else is involved, I respect myself!


How's that song go "......learning to love myself, is the greatest love of all"


And I don't care what anyone else out there thinks about all this

You felt sorry enough for him to let him back into your house. Oh but I get it...The "tough as nails" mom doesn't care what anyone else out here thinks about her.

[floridarebel]

Damned if you, damned if you don't.

[stepka]

If you don't care what others think then I think it's odd that you're even asking this question.

[Jowel]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

The kinds of behaviors I've seen (and frankly, judged) from those who love to say, "I don't care what anybody thinks!":
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Yelling profanity in public
- Violent behavior
- Driving like a jerk
- Dragging around dirty crying children and screaming at them in public
- Letting their kids act like little feral beasts in public and not correcting or controlling them
- Being an irresponsible pet owner, with animals that are abused, neglected, not cleaned up after, hoarded, let to roam, or tied in the yard, etc.
- Violating the space and boundaries of other people, especially while drunk
- Being generally disrespectful to others around them
- Being unhygienic

The list could just go on, and on and on. And right after hollering about how little they care about what anybody thinks, that same person will then talk about how awful everyone else around them is that they are judged unfairly and don't get the same good life as others. Whether they don't get a good job, or they don't get a date.

I agree with you that this people who behave like this have less of a chance of being gainfully employed.

But the date part? If anything, unfortunately, people who behave like this apparently don't have this problem. As they tend to multiply. ...A lot. ....So much, in fact, that they can't keep up with who they have multiplied with. If you've ever seen the comedy (documentary) Idiocracy, the first few minutes rings eerily true.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by cuja1

Is it psychologically healthy to have no concern what-so-ever how people view you? Or is there some sort of psychological benefit to caring about what people think about you?

Both can apply. Social norms have positive effects in various cases, and disregarding them entirely because you don't care what others think and how they view you can be used to justify seriously maladaptive and aberrant behavior. Social acceptance provides a framework for a functional society, to an extent. It's not all bad. Being 100% "Eff off, I don't care what you or anybody thinks about anything" can be part and parcel of a sociopathic stance, which obviously isn't psychologically healthy. And, of course, we care about what people think of us to some extent because of our evolution to live in groups, in some capacity. Hardly anyone in our society who is mentally healthy is a true hermit and depends on the acceptance and understanding of absolutely nobody.

On the other side, it can be incredibly healthy to be secure enough in yourself, your life, and your stances to be able to analyze the feedback you receive from others, and be able to discern reliably what opinions are fine to be taken with a grain of salt, and which would be beneficial to reflect upon for further consideration.

[leanah]

It's ok. Why should i care? People love to compare themselves to others. They look at you, measure you ( how you look, what you wear, put a price tag on you) and express an opinion based on their own perceptions.
I've been judged that my partner and i are not married, that instead of kids i had dogs, that my car was too daring, my nails were too, etc. And it all came from people who live their lives in quite different way.
If they do not like me, so be it.

[TabulaRasa]

I think this thread is operating under a whole bunch of definitions of "not caring what anybody thinks," and they are quite disparate.