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I know this is an odd first thread to make, but I felt like this might be a good place to seek some advice. I am currently 27 (I was a transfer from community college) and have just graduated university. I've been really depressed lately, because I feel like I missed out on my youth. I didn't develop any close friends throughout community college or university. All the friends I made were mostly acquaintances or temporary friends that just came and went and never saw outside of school. Because of this I never developed a close friendship circle.
I thought I had one final chance and developing a close friendship circle when I contacted some people I met at University. But most of them acted like they didn't know me, and the ones that did, didn't seem interested in being friends with me. I guess I was just good for working on group projects and nothing else (I'm thinking about sending them angry texts because I'm just so upset right now).
And now, my one last chance at a youthful social life is gone. I'm just so angry and depressed right now. It feels like it's impossible for me to be happy. The only type of people I'm going to end up meeting now are "mature, settled-down" type people whom I cannot relate to. I cannot relate to people who are only interested in "moving up the corporate ladder, settling down, getting married and having kids". They don't have fun or interesting social lives.
The "mature" crowd's social lives consist mostly of boring get-togethers or dinner parties where all people talk about are their jobs, the weather, or other small talk with people they don't actually like. It's so fake, that it makes me sick just thinking about it. The worst thing about the "mature, settled crowd" is how judgmental they are. Like if you don't dress a certain way, or make a certain amount of money, or are not interested in getting married and having kids, or are not a corporate slave, they will look down on you. I absolutely hate people who immediately ask "And what do you do for a living?", right when they meet you. Like that question alone is a judgment on your occupation and how much money you make. I don't need toxic people like that in my life.
I wanted the type of youthful social life that I missed out on. I wish I could just make friends that I could be myself around, whom are genuine, and fun to be around. I don't want my only options to be boring "mature, settled down" types and/or corporate slaves. Because I refuse to conform to the "mature" crowd. I know that if I were to do something like that, I'd just become even more depressed and probably completely lose it.
I just cannot take this anymore. The fact that so many people got to experience the fun youthful years, while I'm forced to miss out on it, is just infuriating and depressing. Everyday has just been unbearable for me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to conform to the "mature crowd".
I can relate to this. Due to one set of bad circumstances after another, my life has pretty much been a series of one failure and one missed opportunity after another. A lot of times it's hard not to feel like I've missed out on life and am passed my peak. I'm 35.
One thing I'll say is that you are 27 and will only be 27 once. You may think 27 is old, but right now you are as young as you will ever be again. 27 isn't over the hill, especially today when people are waiting longer to get married. Young adulthood lasts for the most part into your early thirties. Even in a worst-case scenario that society stays locked down a couple more years, you won't even be 30 yet when things open back up. If you want a party-centric lifestyle, you'll still be young enough to have it.
One thing I will say though is that it sounds like what you hate the most is the uptight, young professional culture that tries to act 50 when they are only 25, but that isn't the only way to live your life.
Also "what do you do for a living," to me, is a great ice breaker and doesn't necessarily mean the other person is looking to judge you by how much money you make. It's typically one of the first things I ask and I'm fine if they reply "Uber driver" or something like that. It gets the conversation going.
You need to ask yourself if you are truly are independent and don't want to conform to societal norms (marriage, raising a family, career track), or you're just hacked off and insecure because you haven't attained those things you truly want and think you're behind the curve.
The good news is you're only 27.
I agree with this with only one slight twist. I think it's more that the OP is hacked off and insecure because he just doesn't know what he wants and brings up the marriage/family/career thing just to find something to blame.
OP: In all of your posts I see a TON of self-limiting talk and it really seems like you're too deeply invested in what you think the world/society/norms/customs think of you. You've really boxed yourself in to a very small, desperate world view full of perceived rules, arbitrary timelines, etc. about how people live and interact with each other. When I read your comments my overwhelming reaction is, "OK, so just give up then, you've poo-pood every option and thrown up every roadblock to changing your life."
This is a good point, OP, you seem very invested in feeling like you're different than everyone else, not following the societal norms, but at the same time, by doing this, you missed out of the societal milestones of socialization.
You might just have to accept that you're not the extroverted, life of the party type that easily attracts other people. If you were, then making connections and maintaining relationships with friends wouldn't be such a mystery to you. Living your best life might look different for you than what you see in pop culture, and you don't need to measure your life by those standards.
OP: One more question. Did you happen to grow up in an evangelical Christian environment? I ask that because I've dealt with a lot of the same focus on rigid, age-centric milestones and a lot of it stems from that. Outside of evangelical Christian circles, your twenties are your twenties and nobody gives a fudge if you are 23 or 28.
OP: In all of your posts I see a TON of self-limiting talk and it really seems like you're too deeply invested in what you think the world/society/norms/customs think of you. You've really boxed yourself in to a very small, desperate world view full of perceived rules, arbitrary timelines, etc. about how people live and interact with each other. When I read your comments my overwhelming reaction is, "OK, so just give up then, you've poo-pood every option and thrown up every roadblock to changing your life."
This is a very good point. The OP has boxed himself in and assumes everyone else has as well. We all make different choices, but you have to own your choices. Despite what some think, inaction is a choice.
You need to ask yourself if you are truly are independent and don't want to conform to societal norms (marriage, raising a family, career track), or you're just hacked off and insecure because you haven't attained those things you truly want and think you're behind the curve.
The good news is you're only 27.
The OP will be what he is now even when he gets to be 87. He just doesn't like a cookie cutter life the rest of us fall into naturally. It is not necessarily a bad thing if he can handle being by himself and view being different as being special.
We all make different choices, but you have to own your choices. Despite what some think, inaction is a choice.
Great points.
The worst feelings I've ever had are not those when I realized I made a wrong decision, but those when I realized I made NO decision and just let the clock run out. That's stomach-wrenching for me.
Incel? Are you kidding me? Where in my posts did I make any sexist remarks that are common to the incel community? I'm not trying to argue with you or anything, but I feel that the "incel" label has been thrown around way too loosely nowadays. I'm definitely not an "incel". Anyway, you mention how people are settling down and getting married at my age, and that's perfectly fine for them. I personally have zero interest in settling down anytime soon, if at all. I'd rather avoid unneeded stress than conform to some arbitrary expectations of society. I don't really want to hang around "settled-down, mature" types anyway.
I was doing martial arts for a while, but kind of fell out of it when I moved a couple years back. I mostly practice what I know on my own especially with the pandemic. Definitely not religious so that's probably not going to work. I was considering community theater, but I'm worried that I might be too old for that. I might check out some outdoor clubs. Activities are good and all, and I agree that it's the best way to meet people at this point, but, here's the thing. I would also like to have the kind of friendships where I can be myself around people. Like it doesn't feel awkward or clunky. Like I don't have to put up a "mature" facade in front of them. It's hard to explain, but that's the best I can put it. Perhaps people are more themselves while doing activities?
You're being too concrete. It was a comparison, not an accusation. You blame your failure to develop a friendship group on others, and express anger towards them. Incels blame their failure to develop relationships with women on others, and express anger towards them.
You are most definitely NOT too old for community theater! People of all ages participate in community theater. The way that you get to know people whom you might get along with, is by doing activities that you like, where you meet other people who like the same things.
Developing friendships takes time and effort. It's not that you magically meet people with whom you feel as comfortable as you do with your family. You achieve that level of comfort by finding like-minded people whom you like being around, and who like being around you. You do stuff together, over and over. You then maybe go out for a bite to eat or a beer after the activity, and just talk. This happens over and over, and you maybe invite a few over for a BBQ, or to watch a football game together. You decide to go the beach together, or skiing together, or to a sports event together.
If it doesn't work, you move on to others. But don't blame your isolation on others. This is because of YOU, not because of them. Honestly, I think that therapy, and group therapy, would be a good idea for you, so that you can learn better social interaction in a guided therapeutic setting.
This is a good point, OP, you seem very invested in feeling like you're different than everyone else, not following the societal norms, but at the same time, by doing this, you missed out of the societal milestones of socialization.
You might just have to accept that you're not the extroverted, life of the party type that easily attracts other people. If you were, then making connections and maintaining relationships with friends wouldn't be such a mystery to you. Living your best life might look different for you than what you see in pop culture, and you don't need to measure your life by those standards.
You think I'm "trying to be different"? I never had any desire to be some dad/provider type. Even when I was a kid I'd have nightmares of getting married, having kids, and having a lot more responsibilities because of it. The whole "married with kids" route seems too dorky and stressful for my taste. Getting married and having kids never appealed to me. So why should I force myself to conform to that standard? Even if I did want all those things (which I don't because it does not appeal to me), I can't just skip over the youthful side of socialization. Even if it's for a brief amount of time, I'd want to experience the social life I missed out on. It doesn't have to be "like college". But I don't want a "mature" social life.
Last edited by JustAGuy1993; 12-31-2020 at 03:26 PM..
I can relate to this. Due to one set of bad circumstances after another, my life has pretty much been a series of one failure and one missed opportunity after another. A lot of times it's hard not to feel like I've missed out on life and am passed my peak. I'm 35.
One thing I'll say is that you are 27 and will only be 27 once. You may think 27 is old, but right now you are as young as you will ever be again. 27 isn't over the hill, especially today when people are waiting longer to get married. Young adulthood lasts for the most part into your early thirties. Even in a worst-case scenario that society stays locked down a couple more years, you won't even be 30 yet when things open back up. If you want a party-centric lifestyle, you'll still be young enough to have it.
One thing I will say though is that it sounds like what you hate the most is the uptight, young professional culture that tries to act 50 when they are only 25, but that isn't the only way to live your life.
Also "what do you do for a living," to me, is a great ice breaker and doesn't necessarily mean the other person is looking to judge you by how much money you make. It's typically one of the first things I ask and I'm fine if they reply "Uber driver" or something like that. It gets the conversation going.
I see. When you put it that way, the question doesn't seem that bad. As long as no one is measuring me by my occupation or how much money I make, I guess I'd be fine if someone asked what I did for a living. Or even some variation of the question.
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