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This was pre-interweb days (80's) I used my veterans benefits for a VA mortgage on my first house (Vet bennies were much better then). My Z-28 was replaced by a nice Buick sedan and while I was working in business equipment sales, my social prospects went from bleached blond bimbos in spandex looking for free drinks to professional women in dress suits who were more interested in successful men than fancy cars. I always sent flowers after the first date, I got them talking about their interests and I always picked up the tab on subsequent dates.
Women desire a successful man; so dress nice, don't be bird dogging other women, be attentive without fawning all over them and be romantic. A confident, romantic, successful man will never spend the weekend alone. Women will spot you a mile away and compete for your attention.
I took my time getting married, i wanted a woman who was at least as successful as I was, hadn't made mistakes or who lived with her parents and would at least tolerate my hobbies and wouldn't mind when I went off for days hunting or fishing.
I stopped caring what people were gossiping about me. I was too busy enjoying life. Then one day when I was 41 the right woman stepped into my life and she's been at my side ever since. I'd like to say then we lived happily ever after but marriage is the fine art of compromise. For some folks I know it's more like an armed truce.
it's all about having respect for each other and that starts at day one. In 27 years (26 married) we have never resorted to physical violence or so much as called each other hurtful names. - We've had some mighty spirited conversations though.
I'd do it all over exactly the same if I had to.
Just expressing interest in your date, and letting her talk about what interests her--that, alone, will put you way ahead of 90% of the guys out there!
I am feeling that pressure and insecurity of still being single at this age.
I am turning 30 soon and this feels like the end game. Don't want to be one of those guys in their 40s who are unmarried and bumming around living like someone in their early 20s. In my 20s I can dick around and make the excuse like I am working on my career, but now this is the age to get married, have kids, get a house etc... Literally everyone in my family is in a relationship even my younger sister so it makes me feel insecure when I go out to family events and everyone has someone. I usually just end up hanging around with the little kids because it feels weird when the couples are chatting away with each other. I get asked have I met anyone and have to think of a response so that I don't feel like a loser. Also I know how my relatives are and they tend to gossip a lot so I know they are talking about me behind my back. I am already thinking about it and when I hear other people thinking about it too makes me more insecure. I got tired of this insecurity and it was one of the motivating factors for me to move far away from home and essentially disappear. I am always "busy" and can't go to any family events. One reason I moved far away was for work, but also to get away. To be free in a sense, free from judgment, free fro being reminded that I am a loser in a sense. I mean its one thing if I am happy being single, but I want to start a family, have kids, have a house. I feel lonely.
I remember my older brother was in his early 30s and my older relatives were talking so much trash about him. They even said that he must be gay. Most of my friends who are in relationships or married have faded out of my life. So you lose that support network that you once had when you were young and no longer get invited to hang outs. Its like the couples hang out now. Its a very lonely road.
One girl I was hanging out with is known to be blunt was like "you are 29 and you aren't married?" I'm like in cali its not that weird to still be single at this age. Then she was like "yeah but do you even have any prospects?" Ouch that hurt a bit.
When I was younger I used to think everyone eventually finds someone, get loved for who they are, they get married and its happily ever after. But nope that is not the case.
People say work on yourself and the right one comes a long. I have. I have a decent paying career, college educated, I work out a lot (feel like I need to work out much harder now use this as motivation), I have been told by other women that I am good looking, i have a chill/laid back personality, easy to talk to, I dress decently, but not good enough I guess. Its a huge insecurity of mines not going to lie.
I don't want to marry someone just cause. I would like to find a decent girl and yes I have used dating apps. Not much luck. The decent girls are hard to get for me and the less than stellar options they play games a lot too. Lots of flakes, no responses, get ghosted etc... I know a lot of people who end up marrying a foreign women and bringing them back to the states.
Finding someone is very tough for a lot of single guys. I don't know the solution.
I think your problem is yourself, if you let other people's comment get to you. You are overly sensitive.
Nobody knows yourself the best and they're making these generalizations. Nobody should get married until they can handle their own life then adding another significant other to the equation.
I get it, I'm close to 30 myself and a lot of people in my family wonder about me as well. I don't care how strong you are, if you have a bunch of people constantly nagging you about the same thing it's going to get to you eventually. But try to remember these 3 things.
1. Worrying about what other's think is a waste of time. If they are nagging you about getting a gf, they'll nag you about getting married, then they'll nag you about having kids once you do finally find someone. People are gonna have ish to say no matter what you do/don't do.
2. Other people can live your life for you.
3. Relationships are not something that you just point to someone and get. They take time and have to grow from genuine friendships. Which you'll only find if you get involved with the public. That's all you can really do, everything else is up in the air.
I would also consider moving to an area that is a bit more "progressive" meaning, other people don't really care about the life decisions of other people as long as it's not effecting them personally. There are pros and cons to all kinds of choices in life, you have decide which ones you can live with.
I am feeling that pressure and insecurity of still being single at this age.
I am turning 30 soon and this feels like the end game. Don't want to be one of those guys in their 40s who are unmarried and bumming around living like someone in their early 20s. In my 20s I can dick around and make the excuse like I am working on my career, but now this is the age to get married, have kids, get a house etc... Literally everyone in my family is in a relationship even my younger sister so it makes me feel insecure when I go out to family events and everyone has someone. I usually just end up hanging around with the little kids because it feels weird when the couples are chatting away with each other. I get asked have I met anyone and have to think of a response so that I don't feel like a loser. Also I know how my relatives are and they tend to gossip a lot so I know they are talking about me behind my back. I am already thinking about it and when I hear other people thinking about it too makes me more insecure. I got tired of this insecurity and it was one of the motivating factors for me to move far away from home and essentially disappear. I am always "busy" and can't go to any family events. One reason I moved far away was for work, but also to get away. To be free in a sense, free from judgment, free fro being reminded that I am a loser in a sense. I mean its one thing if I am happy being single, but I want to start a family, have kids, have a house. I feel lonely.
I remember my older brother was in his early 30s and my older relatives were talking so much trash about him. They even said that he must be gay. Most of my friends who are in relationships or married have faded out of my life. So you lose that support network that you once had when you were young and no longer get invited to hang outs. Its like the couples hang out now. Its a very lonely road.
One girl I was hanging out with is known to be blunt was like "you are 29 and you aren't married?" I'm like in cali its not that weird to still be single at this age. Then she was like "yeah but do you even have any prospects?" Ouch that hurt a bit.
When I was younger I used to think everyone eventually finds someone, get loved for who they are, they get married and its happily ever after. But nope that is not the case.
People say work on yourself and the right one comes a long. I have. I have a decent paying career, college educated, I work out a lot (feel like I need to work out much harder now use this as motivation), I have been told by other women that I am good looking, i have a chill/laid back personality, easy to talk to, I dress decently, but not good enough I guess. Its a huge insecurity of mines not going to lie.
I don't want to marry someone just cause. I would like to find a decent girl and yes I have used dating apps. Not much luck. The decent girls are hard to get for me and the less than stellar options they play games a lot too. Lots of flakes, no responses, get ghosted etc... I know a lot of people who end up marrying a foreign women and bringing them back to the states.
Finding someone is very tough for a lot of single guys. I don't know the solution.
Women bear the brunt of this sort of viewpoint by others. Even beautiful models get zinged for not being married by a certain age. Men? It depends on an air of confidence, the way they look, their other successes in life. People weren't looking down on Warren Beatty or other good looking men for not being married. They were envied by other men.
It all depends on your attitude and confidence. Sometimes when women ask you about that, they're seeing if you're the marrying kind, wanting to know if they should continue seeing you, or if you're a "player." If you answer her question with confidence, saying you haven't met the right woman, but you've got time, she has a shot. If you answer, "Oh, I've been in love a million times," that's a player. No 30 year old has been truly in love multiple times, if he or she is mentally balanced.
Most people assume men who aren't married, don't want to be. Because there are a lot of women in their 30's dying to get married so they can start their families. They have a clock ticking that the men don't.
Don't be under pressure to marry. The older you get, the better chance you have, anyway because there are fewer available men. If you wait too long, though, you'll have to marry much younger, for her to be able to and want to have children, and you'll have a family whose ages are not in sync with your friends (they'll have kids in high school, while yours will be in elementary school). That's fine, but just be aware.
You'll find someone. Wait for the right person. You don't want to risk divorce. What a nightmare.
I can't imagine feeling that kind of pressure at 30! OP must live in a very conservative area.
I was single from age 40 to 45 and never heard a comment like that. This sounds more like a 19th Century problem.
Don't give in. Like others said: go hiking, go to the beach, to a music venue (when it's safe to do so), aquarium, be in a public place reading a book or bookstore.
These are all places I've met guys and became friends/lovers. I met a guy online who got me involved in a sport, and through that sport I eventually met my husband....so it can work like that too.
Women bear the brunt of this sort of viewpoint by others. Even beautiful models get zinged for not being married by a certain age. Men? It depends on an air of confidence, the way they look, their other successes in life. People weren't looking down on Warren Beatty or other good looking men for not being married. They were envied by other men.
I didn't know this about Warren Beatty. There's alot of guys that wait until they're older to get married or get divorced when they're young and don't get married until later in life like George Clooney.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen
Most people assume men who aren't married, don't want to be. Because there are a lot of women in their 30's dying to get married so they can start their families. They have a clock ticking that the men don't.
I was taught when at a young age, that a man can start a family at any time. That was important because in high school, college and when I started working I didn't let it affect me when dates went wrong or relationships went bad. It's women that have a time clock, not men. Being single allows me to make decisions that affect me and me alone. Which means I can still take risks in life. There's no one else I need to look after other than myself. If I want to move for a business/work opportunity I can. If I want to start a business venture and it fails (which happened to me), doesn't matter I can pick up the pieces, start over, pick myself up and keep going. Alot of people especially men are probably very envious of you and your freedom and would like to be in the same rut they are in. Remember it's your life and it's your choice want to do with it.
Some red flags that tells me you are deeply insecure and not a friend to yourself.
Quote:
I usually just end up hanging around with the little kids because it feels weird when the couples are chatting away with each other. I get asked have I met anyone and have to think of a response so that I don't feel like a loser.
You are so embarrassed by your "loser" status that is is impeding your relationships with other adults. You regress to childhood even.
Quote:
I got tired of this insecurity and it was one of the motivating factors for me to move far away from home and essentially disappear.
You let your shame LITERALLY drive you away from your family and support systems. And you are now hiding from them.
Quote:
People say work on yourself and the right one comes a long. I have. I have a decent paying career, college educated, I work out a lot (feel like I need to work out much harder now use this as motivation), I have been told by other women that I am good looking, i have a chill/laid back personality, easy to talk to, I dress decently, but not good enough I guess. Its a huge insecurity of mines not going to lie.
If this is all true, then surely you have faced the fact that what's getting in your way is YOU, who you are inside. Not your looks, possessions, or outward persona. There is something keeping the women away.
You are incredibly insecure. You mention it all over your post. WHY? You have so much going for you that others don't. In fact you live what many would call a charmed life in terms of lifestyle, income, education, career, etc. that you earned. But for some reason, you hate yourself.
What is that all about? Did something happen to you as a child to make you this way?
Just expressing interest in your date, and letting her talk about what interests her--that, alone, will put you way ahead of 90% of the guys out there!
Well done, Driver 47! Great post.
Golly gosh Thanks !
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Thanks !
