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You will meet women in the classes who are financially able to take such classes, and you'll learn to cook!
Then you can leverage that into your ad and/or conversations, if you don't already meet someone you like in class (and you probably will meet some nice women). Women love men who can and will cook.
I don't know what you look like, but most women prefer men to look clean, no sloppy hair or bushy, unkempt beards.
This has been suggested on other threads, and earlier on this thread, but the guys don't ever pick up on it, and I don't know why. it seems like a no-brainer, and a win-win, because not only is it an obvious way to meet women, but you get to learn to cook, or expand your existing repertoire, if you have one.
OP, you can find classes that present specific national cuisines: French, Chinese, Italian, Thai, to name a few. You may get a mix of ages among the students, so--not all women your age, not all single women, but if you keep trying different ones, you never know; you may hit it off with someone, at some point. Or you'll learn a few dishes you can use to impress someone with, in the future.
Are you feeling pressure because YOU want to get married and have a family, or because you think everyone else thinks you should? Because if the pressure is coming from others, try to ignore it. If it's what you want, you need to be proactive, and it can still be difficult to find someone - and that's how people end up in bad relationships, by being so driven to get married, that they settle and then regret it.
My older brother didn't get married until he was 48, and he's been married 26 years now. My son is 31 and most of his friends are not married. It's his life and it would never occur to me to pressure him to get married. He's run his like quite successfully so far, so I trust he'll do what is right for *him*.
Are you feeling pressure because YOU want to get married and have a family, or because you think everyone else thinks you should?
I think you're on to something here. OP seems very focused on himself. He is looking at the world as a mirror, the only judge is himself. And as a result, he does violence on himself when he fails to measure up. There are some narcissistic elements here.
I think you're on to something here. OP seems very focused on himself. He is looking at the world as a mirror, the only judge is himself. And as a result, he does violence on himself when he fails to measure up. There are some narcissistic elements here.
I disagree. The OP is right to benchmark himself against his peers to at least a moderate extent.
I can't imagine feeling that kind of pressure at 30! OP must live in a very conservative area.
I was single from age 40 to 45 and never heard a comment like that. This sounds more like a 19th Century problem.
Don't give in. Like others said: go hiking, go to the beach, to a music venue (when it's safe to do so), aquarium, be in a public place reading a book or bookstore.
These are all places I've met guys and became friends/lovers. I met a guy online who got me involved in a sport, and through that sport I eventually met my husband....so it can work like that too.
I think marriage age depends on your zip code and education/career track. In white collar professional areas, most don’t marry before 30. They’re pretty occupied with college, grad school, and getting their career launched.
SO very thankful I was born a 'Gen-Xer'...where such 'petty-trivialities' (as are being brought-up & discussed AD-NAUSEUM in this, and other similar chat-threads, here & elsewhere) really are'nt EVEN a concern of mine.
To the OP: I hope you get things figured-out, sooner rather than later...
...because life really is WAY too-short to waste it 'overthinking' about inconsequential complications which you are totally incapable of 'manipulating'.
I disagree. The OP is right to benchmark himself against his peers to at least a moderate extent.
It goes a little deeper than that though. OP left his family and friends and moved far away away, even cutting them off because of his deep shame about his situation. He calls himself a loser and is in serious pain because of his own insecurity.
And I find it hard to believe that every 29+ year-old he knows in California is married or in a LTR. Something isn't adding up. There is nothing healthy about the way OP is dealing with this rather benign situation.
I am feeling that pressure and insecurity of still being single at this age.
I am turning 30 soon and this feels like the end game. Don't want to be one of those guys in their 40s who are unmarried and bumming around living like someone in their early 20s. In my 20s I can dick around and make the excuse like I am working on my career, but now this is the age to get married, have kids, get a house etc... Literally everyone in my family is in a relationship even my younger sister so it makes me feel insecure when I go out to family events and everyone has someone. I usually just end up hanging around with the little kids because it feels weird when the couples are chatting away with each other. I get asked have I met anyone and have to think of a response so that I don't feel like a loser. Also I know how my relatives are and they tend to gossip a lot so I know they are talking about me behind my back. I am already thinking about it and when I hear other people thinking about it too makes me more insecure. I got tired of this insecurity and it was one of the motivating factors for me to move far away from home and essentially disappear. I am always "busy" and can't go to any family events. One reason I moved far away was for work, but also to get away. To be free in a sense, free from judgment, free fro being reminded that I am a loser in a sense. I mean its one thing if I am happy being single, but I want to start a family, have kids, have a house. I feel lonely.
I remember my older brother was in his early 30s and my older relatives were talking so much trash about him. They even said that he must be gay. Most of my friends who are in relationships or married have faded out of my life. So you lose that support network that you once had when you were young and no longer get invited to hang outs. Its like the couples hang out now. Its a very lonely road.
One girl I was hanging out with is known to be blunt was like "you are 29 and you aren't married?" I'm like in cali its not that weird to still be single at this age. Then she was like "yeah but do you even have any prospects?" Ouch that hurt a bit.
When I was younger I used to think everyone eventually finds someone, get loved for who they are, they get married and its happily ever after. But nope that is not the case.
People say work on yourself and the right one comes a long. I have. I have a decent paying career, college educated, I work out a lot (feel like I need to work out much harder now use this as motivation), I have been told by other women that I am good looking, i have a chill/laid back personality, easy to talk to, I dress decently, but not good enough I guess. Its a huge insecurity of mines not going to lie.
I don't want to marry someone just cause. I would like to find a decent girl and yes I have used dating apps. Not much luck. The decent girls are hard to get for me and the less than stellar options they play games a lot too. Lots of flakes, no responses, get ghosted etc... I know a lot of people who end up marrying a foreign women and bringing them back to the states.
Finding someone is very tough for a lot of single guys. I don't know the solution.
It generally is the case, they do, and you do know the solution but you haven't fully seen it through yet.
30 and single isn't nearly the big deal it once was. I didn't find the right one until mid-30s and didn't have a child until my early 40s. More importantly, are you looking to marry because you want to be married or because society thinks you need to be married? The latter is a terrible reason to do it.
All the game playing with dating results in short-term and hookup relationships, not the solid marriage material ones. If you find you have to play games with a date, either she or you isn't ready. When game playing does end up as a marriage, it's usually doomed to failure. The decent women who are marriage material aren't going to play games if she thinks you're also marriage material.
That leads you to the advice you've received. Work on being marriage material and the right girl will eventually come along, recognize that potential, and will hang around a bit to see where things go.
It's not the clothes or the job or the working out or the car or even the sex. Those are first impression makers, but they don't keep a potential partner interested (if that's all that it takes to keep her around, that's a big red flag). How you speak and carry yourself, your philosophy on life, political leanings, how you treat others...those are the types of things that will ultimately separate you from the crowd and land you a life partner.
There's a lot of 30-something single ladies out there who have nearly given up on the dating scene because they keep getting dates with men who peacock around thinking it's going to impress them. They look good, have good jobs, wear nice clothes, are in great shape ... and have a vacuum behind their ears, can't hold a conversation, strut around like an alpha bully, or screw it up in some other way that reveals them as just another notch in the 'men are dogs' statistic. Likewise, don't just be going after the prettiest girl in the sexiest dress thinking she'd make a great wife. They're just peacocking around, too.
I disagree. The OP is right to benchmark himself against his peers to at least a moderate extent.
His benchmarking with his peers contradicts his statements, that it's normal to be single and unattached at his age in his location, though. I'm wondering which version of reality is the truth in his case: is everyone in his circle, and in his friends' circles, paired up, or aren't they?
And how does he know that all the relationships in his circle that aren't bound by marriage will last? I'm not sure it does make sense to compare himself to his friends. What's to be gained from that, other than a sense of failure?
What we do know about the OP is, that he's never made any effort to meet women by socializing, by getting involved in community groups, meeting people "in real life", as they say. All he's done is stare at his screen-of-choice, and swipe left or right. Then he ends up wondering, on the cusp of turning 30, what he's doing wrong.
The OP also seems to think, that finding a good match is easy, because his friends managed (as far as he knows. He has no idea what goes on behind the scenes of those marriages and non-married couples). Finding a good match is a major miracle! Compatible people aren't a dime a dozen. Some people don't find a good match until their mid-30's, or 40's, or later even.
Putting pressure on yourself to hurry up is a good way to end up in a marriage that won't last, OP. Lose the idea that there's a deadline, and that you've already missed it. Enjoy your life. Mix, mingle. And be patient, above all.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-19-2021 at 08:58 AM..
I am feeling that pressure and insecurity of still being single at this age.
I am turning 30 soon and this feels like the end game. Don't want to be one of those guys in their 40s who are unmarried and bumming around living like someone in their early 20s. In my 20s I can dick around and make the excuse like I am working on my career, but now this is the age to get married, have kids, get a house etc... Literally everyone in my family is in a relationship even my younger sister so it makes me feel insecure when I go out to family events and everyone has someone. I usually just end up hanging around with the little kids because it feels weird when the couples are chatting away with each other. I get asked have I met anyone and have to think of a response so that I don't feel like a loser. Also I know how my relatives are and they tend to gossip a lot so I know they are talking about me behind my back. I am already thinking about it and when I hear other people thinking about it too makes me more insecure. I got tired of this insecurity and it was one of the motivating factors for me to move far away from home and essentially disappear. I am always "busy" and can't go to any family events. One reason I moved far away was for work, but also to get away. To be free in a sense, free from judgment, free fro being reminded that I am a loser in a sense. I mean its one thing if I am happy being single, but I want to start a family, have kids, have a house. I feel lonely.
I remember my older brother was in his early 30s and my older relatives were talking so much trash about him. They even said that he must be gay. Most of my friends who are in relationships or married have faded out of my life. So you lose that support network that you once had when you were young and no longer get invited to hang outs. Its like the couples hang out now. Its a very lonely road.
One girl I was hanging out with is known to be blunt was like "you are 29 and you aren't married?" I'm like in cali its not that weird to still be single at this age. Then she was like "yeah but do you even have any prospects?" Ouch that hurt a bit.
When I was younger I used to think everyone eventually finds someone, get loved for who they are, they get married and its happily ever after. But nope that is not the case.
People say work on yourself and the right one comes a long. I have. I have a decent paying career, college educated, I work out a lot (feel like I need to work out much harder now use this as motivation), I have been told by other women that I am good looking, i have a chill/laid back personality, easy to talk to, I dress decently, but not good enough I guess. Its a huge insecurity of mines not going to lie.
I don't want to marry someone just cause. I would like to find a decent girl and yes I have used dating apps. Not much luck. The decent girls are hard to get for me and the less than stellar options they play games a lot too. Lots of flakes, no responses, get ghosted etc... I know a lot of people who end up marrying a foreign women and bringing them back to the states.
Finding someone is very tough for a lot of single guys. I don't know the solution.
I'm sorry to hear your family is like this to you; doubtless you've already been given good advice and very likely much of what I'm going to say has already been said.
Finding the right person is tough today; there's a lot of baggage out there, there's a lot of not so great people out there. It's tough to know who to trust if you weren't gifted with an intuitive sense of that (as I was).
It's too bad that your family thinks you should be married already just because. It would be waaaaay better for you (as I'm sure others have already told you) to not be married than to be married to the wrong person. There's nothing wrong with being selective and having high standards. Of course, that may mean you end up staying single. Yet in my opinion, to just settle with whatever comes your way is a set up for a miserable life.
I think you need to ignore your family, even if it means breaking ties with them. They are not doing anything good for you, and are most likely harming you mentally, by putting you down because you haven't taken whatever's come your way.
And I do understand the want to be married. I became a widow a couple years ago after an extremely blissful (though short) marriage. I enjoyed being married and I've ran into several people who would have stood next in line to be married to me. But either I'm not attracted to them or their values do not align with mine in a way for the marriage to work. My partner needs to meet a specific set of criteria. That very well may mean I will end up staying single for the duration of my life. That will definitely be waaaaay better than for me to just settle and marry the wrong person.
Best wishes for your future. I pray you will find the right partner.
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