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You have to make a life for the life you are living now. If you are in your thirties, there is no reason you can't enjoy this time. Don't predicate your life on waiting to be in a relationship. If you enjoy travel, travel. (post-pandemic of course). There is no reason a man in his thirties can't travel by himself. You will find others along the way.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
Where do you live that you are experiencing all this pressure at 29? I think the median age for men at first marriage is 30, which means that half of men get married when they are older than 30. Some families do have people get married early, but that isn’t necessarily indicative of the entire population. My BIL got married at 29 and his family acted like he was ancient.
In fact in most states the average age to marry for men is 30, so many are getting married after that. Those single people I know male and female are all in the 30-38 age group. Part of it has to do with student loan debt, part COVID, and part just less urgency/pressure now than in the past. It's usually only parents that are pushing, because they want grandkids. Not your problem. Still, if you are anxious to meet the right mate, join groups that are in areas of your interest, but avoid those typically more male such as skeet shooting or woodworking.
You're not even 30 yet? Perhaps you should not care so much what others think. Also has it occurred to you that maybe you're not the problem? Check out some Aaron Clarey videos on youtube.
Where do you live that you are experiencing all this pressure at 29? I think the median age for men at first marriage is 30, which means that half of men get married when they are older than 30. Some families do have people get married early, but that isn’t necessarily indicative of the entire population. My BIL got married at 29 and his family acted like he was ancient.
That was my first thought, too. OP, where are you from originally? Did you say you're living in CA now? You sure aren't getting that kind of pressure from anyone there, I'm sure. Are you from the South or the Midwest? You know, people get married young there (meaning--in their 20's), but a lot of those young marriages end in divorce eventually. You shouldn't give any credence to the pressures (and rude comments) your relatives inflict on you. "Not even any prospects" at 29? As you well know (you mentioned it yourself), that's normal on the West Coast. The next time one of your relatives says something like that, tell them not to be rude, and change the subject.
I suspect the main reason you're not meeting potential candidates for an LTR is, that you're over-reliant on dating apps. Do you have any hobbies or other interests? Once Covid is over, look into group activities your city offers. There are probably a variety of sports-oriented groups, like: hiking, boating of various sorts, biking, and so on. Some long-established hiking clubs (Sierra Club, also REI Co-op) have singles hikes. They also host lecture events, where people show visuals of their rock-climbing or camping trips around the state, the country, the world. These types of travel seminars tends to be well-attended by people in your age range.
Check listings also for volunteer opportunities (film festivals or the local film society, art fairs, sister-city events, concerts, enviro orgs, animal shelters, whatever suits your fancy), free public events to attend where you can meet people, if you're good at chatting people up (if you're not, then learn to come out of your shell), classes (art, cooking (great for meeting women), photography, theater improv, dance: salsa, swing, folk, ballroom), bookstore events (there are usually a few bookstores that are popular with the 20-30's crowd in major CA metropolitan areas), the list is endless.
The advantage to joining activities that meet regularly is, that you're already in an environment where you have at least one common interest with everyone, so making conversation is easy. Also, the regularly-scheduled nature of it guarantees you'll see the same people more or less at every gathering, so they'll have a chance to get to know you over time, and you--them. This type of venue is the complete opposite of the apps, in that people's personalities are more evident, rather than being purely looks-based. Think about it; an endless parade of faces completely disconnected from any personality really isn't very helpful in selecting a partner, is it?
Don't worry; you're normal. Congrats on getting yourself out of that stifling home environment, and to a region with a lot more life options. Now, make the most of that!
Men can get away with waiting until 40 to get married. Remember you're a man, and there's no pressure to start a family yet. Don't be in a rush to get married just to get married. Know what you want and wait for it or move to a city with lots of singles if yours is lacking (as mine is). Pressure is expected if you live in the middle of the country. IGNORE it! Ruth always has wise words, so see above.
You have an awful lot of insecurities. I never knew anyone that cared that much about what their family thought of their love life. Enjoy your life. If possible join groups that have activities you enjoy. Stop worrying about meeting someone. It's likely your desperation is showing. You don't want to chase people away with too much intensity. The gym is great. We like muscles, but we don't like guys that show off their muscles. If you join hiking, skiing, running, cooking, art classes, etc., you will find reasons to start up conversations. At my gym the women far outnumber the men in zumba, yoga, and spin classes. Go a few minutes early. Don't expect women to immediately be making friends with you, but after a few sessions you start becoming someone they are comfortable talking to. Don't say nice outfit. Talk about general things like tv shows, restaurants, etc. You might have to wait until more people are vaccinated for Covid, depending on how open your area is, and how comfortable you are about dating at this time.
give me some more tips lol. how did getting a house work?
This was pre-interweb days (80's) I used my veterans benefits for a VA mortgage on my first house (Vet bennies were much better then). My Z-28 was replaced by a nice Buick sedan and while I was working in business equipment sales, my social prospects went from bleached blond bimbos in spandex looking for free drinks to professional women in dress suits who were more interested in successful men than fancy cars. I always sent flowers after the first date, I got them talking about their interests and I always picked up the tab on subsequent dates.
Women desire a successful man; so dress nice, don't be bird dogging other women, be attentive without fawning all over them and be romantic. A confident, romantic, successful man will never spend the weekend alone. Women will spot you a mile away and compete for your attention.
I took my time getting married, i wanted a woman who was at least as successful as I was, hadn't made mistakes or who lived with her parents and would at least tolerate my hobbies and wouldn't mind when I went off for days hunting or fishing.
I stopped caring what people were gossiping about me. I was too busy enjoying life. Then one day when I was 41 the right woman stepped into my life and she's been at my side ever since. I'd like to say then we lived happily ever after but marriage is the fine art of compromise. For some folks I know it's more like an armed truce.
it's all about having respect for each other and that starts at day one. In 27 years (26 married) we have never resorted to physical violence or so much as called each other hurtful names. - We've had some mighty spirited conversations though.
When I was younger I used to think everyone eventually finds someone, get loved for who they are, they get married and its happily ever after. But nope that is not the case.
Finding someone is very tough for a lot of single guys. I don't know the solution.
Don't sweat it, getting married and having kids isn't the in-thing anymore; so finding your mate has become more difficult. Plus the whole LBG movement cuts down potential dates even more.
There are days as a single guy I wish I was married, but I also know there would be days if I were married...I would be wishing I was single.
This is fact, ask any married couple.
Relationships take work and sacrifice, and sometimes 1 or both parties are not up to the task.
I'm hoping as the generations go by, we're getting away from what other family members expect of the younger generations in terms of relationships and timeframes.
My husband's mother was the same way, all twisted up that he'd had a couple of relationships maybe a year long, that hadn't developed into anything, when we met at age 38. He'd been through the whole, is he gay, what is wrong with him, etc. He tuned it out for the most part as he was quite content with his life.
From discussions with friends with children, it seems our generation doesn't have that same kind of pressure or expectation on their kids to achieve a certain standard of life (marriage/house/kids) just because that's what everyone has always done.
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