Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I see it as a request for someone's time and attention, rather than just assuming that I'm entitled to it and they won't have any problem giving it to me.
If they are an employee in a place of business, it's me acknowledging that they have other job duties besides standing around answering my inquiries and I know that I may be interrupting the flow of their work, and it feels polite to ask rather than just cruising up like "HEY where can I find the <product?>" I am also generally willing to wait a moment for an employee in a place of business to conclude what they are doing and give me their attention. I've worked those kinds of jobs before. It's important to me, to be the kind of customer who is polite and doesn't make their day feel more stressful. A well mannered interaction can make a difference, versus one that feels rude or demanding. It is fairly interchangeable with, "excuse me." I also thank them and sometimes wish them a nice day at the conclusion of the interaction.
This makes sense to do in most of the Midwest, Rocky Mountain and Western states. Possibly also the South. Not so much places like the Mid-Atlantic states or some of the Rust Belt cities, from my experience. The social vibe is a lot more "don't waste my time, get to the point then get out of my face, or better yet do not speak to me at all" there, in my experience. Some places are more casually friendly than others.
Other scenarios - asking a stranger in public a question. Doing it this way, like I said, requests a moment of their time in a polite way. They can feel free to say, "sorry I'm in a rush, can't stop" if they are trying to dash off somewhere and really can't spare a moment. Or if they just really do not want to interact with a stranger (me)...it's fine. If it's a known person, a friend or family member, it still works as a request for a little of their time and attention. They may have it to spare right that moment or they might instead be like, "hang on a sec" or "let me call you on my break" or for the gamers in the family, they may not be willing to give their full attention until they finish what they are doing in that moment.
So it conveys that I am fine with waiting until I have their attention. And I appreciate when my husband does this "when you have a minute" kind of approach with me rather than just asking me something, since I work from home.
I could see this type of thing for the scenarios you described and all the variations.
What if the communication is text only or through an app initially instead of any of the scenarios you mentioned?
I could see this type of thing for the scenarios you described and all the variations.
What if the communication is text only or through an app initially instead of any of the scenarios you mentioned?
Again, it's a polite request for someone's attention. That's the spirit of it. So in terms of text or an app, meant to convey that the person is trying not to be demanding or a bother. Acknowledging that the other person might reply when it's convenient for them to engage.
Which you would think would go without saying, but believe you me I have had some people whose expectation of texts or online messaging is "they must reply very quickly or else I'm going to start obsessing over the reasons why they are not messaging me back, and if my demand for engagement isn't instantly met I might get upset about it."
Asking first is an attempt to remove any kind of pressure and keep the tone chill and casual, in my opinion.
But what do I know, I'm Gen X, and like to text full sentences and paragraphs and use ellipsis way too much, which younger generations have determined is "passive aggressive" of me. I can only tell you what such a thing would mean to my mind.
"Can I ask you a question?" is often a prelude to an intrusive and/or confrontational inquiry.
And it is sort of a trap. If you say "yes" (the expected answer) then you are kind of committing to answering whatever the question is (usually something that puts you on the spot).
Saying "no" puts you in the position of appearing elusive, defensive and brusque.
A good answer is "Why do you need to ask me a question?" which might flush out the motive or even better "never mind".
Wow, I am really surprised anyone would take offense at this. I consider a polite way to address someone, as Sonic says. This is asking someone if they have a free moment for you. I use that expression frequently.
And I think it's polite when someone says it to me. If you want to be kind of a smart-azz you can reply: "You can try", or "Maybe" or "Depends".
This reminds me of being offended by the honorifics "Ma'am" or the casual "Honey, sweetheart" etc.
We have better stuff to worry/be offended about, imo.
Wow, I am really surprised anyone would take offense at this. I consider a polite way to address someone, as Sonic says. This is asking someone if they have a free moment for you. I use that expression frequently.
And I think it's polite when someone says it to me. If you want to be kind of a smart-azz you can reply: "You can try", or "Maybe" or "Depends".
This reminds me of being offended by the honorifics "Ma'am" or the casual "Honey, sweetheart" etc.
We have better stuff to worry/be offended about, imo.
I am not offended by "Can I ask you a question?" if it is a stranger asking for directions etc. or something at work that is job-related.
But I do know people who use this phrase to get permission to pry, accuse, complain etc. Not really offensive, just annoying.
But I do know people who use this phrase to get permission to pry, accuse, complain etc. Not really offensive, just annoying.
If you know that ahead of time, then you say, "Not if it's personal," or "Not if you're going to ***** about something," and head them off at the pass so they don't do it again.
If you know that ahead of time, then you say, "Not if it's personal," or "Not if you're going to ***** about something," and head them off at the pass so they don't do it again.
Or the old "you can ask but I might not answer" and then you are already in a bit of an argument.
And hard to avoid when it is a spouse or other household member.
It's often a request to explain yourself and in the process admit to some sort of wrongdoing.
Not saying the gripe is invalid, just be direct and say what is on your mind and skip the Q & A.
"Can I ask you a question?" is often a prelude to an intrusive and/or confrontational inquiry.
And it is sort of a trap. If you say "yes" (the expected answer) then you are kind of committing to answering whatever the question is (usually something that puts you on the spot).
Saying "no" puts you in the position of appearing elusive, defensive and brusque.
A good answer is "Why do you need to ask me a question?" which might flush out the motive or even better "never mind".
I think my response to "can I ask you a question?" has always been and always will be something like, "Sure, what's up?"
Just because I gave someone permission to ask, doesn't mean that I promised to answer, or to answer in a way they may want me to.
But I don't really have too many people looking to push my boundaries in this kind of a way. Because frankly if they ask me personal questions they might get honest answers beyond what they ever really wanted to know about me. I am forthright, though I do try to be diplomatic, but more to the point I'm almost impossible to shame. I don't have an issue confidently answering most any question.
Though I can recall an instance where someone started out with what seemed like a decent request but then pushed a boundary. There was a man who joined a Zoom meeting of a discussion group and he side-bar messaged me and asked would I mind if he flirted with me. I asked whether he meant flirtation as amusing banter, or flirtation with intent? Because the first won't offend me...but the second is a waste of time, because I am neither available nor interested in any kind of salacious interaction with him, generally. He said, "oh just banter, just for fun. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overstepping or being offensive that's all." So I assumed it would be lighthearted jokey innuendo and no big deal. His next move was to rudely demand I send him photos of a particular intimate body part. I have not spoken to him since and have ignored all of this attempts to get in touch, including his efforts to send me poetry. This fella clearly didn't understand the assignment, so I disengaged. I was mostly annoyed because as far as I could tell, he was an intelligent person who should have been fun to talk to, but instead he did the most boring thing you can possibly do.
So to the point...if someone's opening gambit of a polite request turns out to be false cover for obnoxious intent, well, we don't have to put up with such nonsense.
A good answer is "Why do you need to ask me a question?" which might flush out the motive or even better "never mind".
Why not just say no if you’re suspicious of their ‘motive’ (lol) or don’t want them to ask you a question. It’s simple and straightforward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by southking500
Saying "no" puts you in the position of appearing elusive, defensive and brusque.
Actually, asking ‘why do you need to ask me a question’ appears elusive and defensive as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by southking500
And it is sort of a trap. If you say "yes" (the expected answer) then you are kind of committing to answering whatever the question is (usually something that puts you on the spot).
Heh, you are not contractually obligated to answer if you change your mind (nor is it a trap); it doesn’t make any difference whether they preface their question with a request for permission to ask or not.
That said, can I ask you a question? Kidding, of course, but your perspective sounds rather defensive/angry, as a whole.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
