Former friend a narcissist? (narcissists, depressed, woman, girlfriend)

[rlrl]

23 years ago i ended a friendship i had with a male friend because I started to feel uncomfortable being around him. He was a know it all type, all he cared about was success fame and fortune and often and increasingly i started to not like how he spoke to me(I was having difficulty in school and deciding what i wanted to do with my life, was shy with the girls, etc). Condescending, using humor as subtle put downs, even sexually, making me feel like i was less than a man. A few years prior to ending it i actually took the time to talk to him about it and he told me it was good that i did "instead of just ending it"(apparently he had a history of friendhips gone bad). Curiously within about 18 months of ending it all of a sudden my life started to change for the better and i was able to decide on a course of action, career, and this character has no idea where i am today

Right at the tail end of that friendship he was living with his girlfriend whom he had gotten pregnant. I remember him telling me he wanted her to get an abortion but she would not do it because she was a devout catholic and he claimed he didn't know she was a devout Catholic and was depressed and had to go to a psychiatrist. I personally found this hard to believe since ethnically she certainly was Catholic (Italian) and he was such a know it all how could he not have known she was a devout Catholic. How could he live with someone on a daily basis and not know that?

And he used to put me down because I didn't have a girlfriend and couldn't decide on a major and didn't have any immediate plans to rule the world

Buy my main reason for posting this is to ask, was this friend a narcissist based on the character description and the abortion issue above, or am i simply labeling him because i found him to be offensive?

i always wondered about this but never asked anyone

[artsyguy]

Yes of course lol

This study just came out recently ......

1 In 5 Young Adults Has Personality Disorder

[movin'on]

Originally Posted by rlrl

23 years ago i ended a friendship i had with a male friend because I started to feel uncomfortable being around him. He was a know it all type, all he cared about was success fame and fortune and often and increasingly i started to not like how he spoke to me(I was having difficulty in school and deciding what i wanted to do with my life, was shy with the girls, etc). Condescending, using humor as subtle put downs, even sexually, making me feel like i was less than a man. A few years prior to ending it i actually took the time to talk to him about it and he told me it was good that i did "instead of just ending it"(apparently he had a history of friendhips gone bad). Curiously within about 18 months of ending it all of a sudden my life started to change for the better and i was able to decide on a course of action, career, and this character has no idea where i am today

Right at the tail end of that friendship he was living with his girlfriend whom he had gotten pregnant. I remember him telling me he wanted her to get an abortion but she would not do it because she was a devout catholic and he claimed he didn't know she was a devout Catholic and was depressed and had to go to a psychiatrist. I personally found this hard to believe since ethnically she certainly was Catholic (Italian) and he was such a know it all how could he not have known she was a devout Catholic. How could he live with someone on a daily basis and not know that?

And he used to put me down because I didn't have a girlfriend and couldn't decide on a major and didn't have any immediate plans to rule the world

Buy my main reason for posting this is to ask, was this friend a narcissist based on the character description and the abortion issue above, or am i simply labeling him because i found him to be offensive?

i always wondered about this but never asked anyone

I don't think so. A narcissist would not have been receptive to the conversation you had with him. Narcissists feed off of N supply. Were he truly an N, he would have just tossed you aside and moved on to someone else to admire him.

[rlrl]

more of a personality style I suppose. i feel bad that I could never forgive him though i certainly was diplomatic to him when i ended it. though i learned and corrected things about how i contributed to the difficulty, i still feel bad about it

[ManRaySky]

Well, it's not necessary to find some label for a person to explain their behavior. All things being equal, assuming you're more or less normal and someone's not doing the "tough love" thing with you (saying things you need to hear because they care, even if you don't like what they say), if they make you feel bad then it's probably not good to be around them.

Sounds to me like he was not so nice to you on a number of occasions.

I recently broke up with someone who is very self-centered, and I tried to be friends with her, but the self-obsession carried over into the friendship. She'd make little digs to me at work (we work in the same office, yea) and tack "just kidding" on the end, which makes it impossible to get upset about it otherwise you look like you're taking things personally. But of course, when people make personal jokes like that, they mean it regardless. Framing it as joking is just a nice way for them to let themselves off the hook.

Finally I just had to go medieval on her, because I was tired of it, and that's not the kind of thing I like to do with people at all. Only ever had to do it one other time in my 37 years. Sometimes you have to just draw a line.

[rlrl]

you know what it was about. he used to raise his voice to me and say things like "if you don't plan to go to graduate school you're going to end up making 'peanuts' for the rest of your life" OR "well if nothing sexual is happening with this lady then there isn't much i can say for your relationship with her".

i had seen evidence of this type of thing when i first met him but the mistake i made was that i ignored it and denied it and it was there all along and got worse

so i learned to not deny it and if someone appears difficult in that way, they probably are

and of course i learned there are certain intimate things you do not have to discuss just because you are friends with someone

and i learned if someone is trying to walk in their father's footsteps because their father is a multi millionaire, they are a person to avoid

[artsyguy]

Narcissists like to feel better by making others feel bad about themselves as the OP described regardless of admiration.

Originally Posted by movin'on

I don't think so. A narcissist would not have been receptive to the conversation you had with him. Narcissists feed off of N supply. Were he truly an N, he would have just tossed you aside and moved on to someone else to admire him.

[rlrl]

used to complain that everyone is uneducated and ignorant as to what is going on in the world around them (myself included of course), but yet who does he choose to shack up with and marry but a woman with no education beyond high school, she worked in the unemployment office as a clerk when they met, on their honeymoon he told me there was a girl in a bikini hanging out on the landing of the hotel who he wanted to nail and claimed she wanted him to, meanwhile this dude looked like woody allen but without his charm, humor or charisma!!

[artsyguy]

Omg yes he is narcissist. Do you need any more confirmation?

People are uneducated and ignorant of the ways of the world but that doesn't make people bad. People can always be informed or educated.

I often complain that people are uncultured and not understanding. Those traits in others prevent me from forming too many friendships.

I like how you compared him to Woody Allen. Woody has a great personality this guy you are whining about sounds like a major loser. You are lucky that you've only met one person like that. I've know circles upon circles of people that are like that.

Originally Posted by rlrl

used to complain that everyone is uneducated and ignorant as to what is going on in the world around them (myself included of course), but yet who does he choose to shack up with and marry but a woman with no education beyond high school, she worked in the unemployment office as a clerk when they met, on their honeymoon he told me there was a girl in a bikini hanging out on the landing of the hotel who he wanted to nail and claimed she wanted him to, meanwhile this dude looked like woody allen but without his charm, humor or charisma!!

[rlrl]

SO was overweight and pretty domineering as well. I'm sure she could overtake him in the sack(maybe that's how their daughter was born?!) Sometimes i always thought that he secretly enjoyed having me there so he could fantasize that he was a macho stud and she was a glamour girl and i was the idiot in the audience who would clap applaud him and say like a doofball "duh, how can i have a gweat relationship like the two of you, uh duh duh".

he reminded me of Nathan Thurm, the paranoid lawyer on Saturday Night live (played by Martin Short if you recall) who would always say "I knew that, i knew that, you're boring, this whole show is boring". Remember him?

Sorry to vent like this but i have lived for 23 years without ever talking about this. I may have started this because i recently heard from another college friend who I last saw in 1983 and we started reminiscing. Turned out this guy disliked the other guy too. Called him a "snob" and "arrogant". he disliked him and the thing was he wasn't even friends with the dude himself like i was!!!