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After a year of dating online, being tortured by the small handful of women I was actually interested in for about a week or two before receiving the long waited (and by then well desired) rejection.
It's not the rejection I fear. Sure, getting turned down by someone you like always stings a little bit, but I feel the actual words from someone rejecting you is like a bullet to your brain to finally end the misery: sure it will hurt for a brief moment but you'll be in a better place soon enough. This girl won't pull the trigger. This is the 4th girl to tease me with it, and she's taking the longest to do it, I've given her every opportunity to do it yet she won't, and I've realized she probably never will.
At least the first two girls called me on the phone to tell me. Sure, they waited a week or so to leave me hanging in the balance, but their bullets were quick, deep, effective. Easy to move on. 3rd girl that did this to me I felt like deserved little respect because she did it over a text msg. I didn't see it coming, but I could smell a scent of it before it came. Only now with this 4th girl that I would WELCOME a text rejection. Makes me feel like giving the 3rd girl a little more of a break than I had previously, as the 4th doesn't have an ounce of respect or courtesy. She's by far the worst because her last words to me were that she would let me take her out again. I can sit here and ask why but it won't get me anywhere, I've been down that road.
The answer to this is that I can't take a girl #5. I have a first meet/date lined up for Sunday that I'm going to cancel. I can't be unfair and see someone new when I've lost my desire and effort for this. The posibility that she could be a great girl that I like and end up seeing seriously doesn't hold enough weight to counter the fact she could be just as torturing, if not worse than the last (as the trend seems to be getting worse). I don't have any confidence in women right now to show respect or courtesy. A woman says she knows what she wants I laugh, she says she expects honesty I want to puke.
I won't subject myself to a 5th torture, the benefit doesn't outweigh the risk. I feel like I gave this a fair shot, I put forth a valid effort. I know I'm a great guy and I have a lot to offer in a relationship, and I don't doubt I could make someone very happy someday, it just won't be anytime soon. The standard has been shown to me that this is the way people are, and I am alone in my beliefs for expecting small amounts of respect. One occurrence is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is just bad luck, four times means this is just how it is, and I hate it, it disgusts me, I never want to go on another date again.
I've got so many other things I've done so well at in recent months that I can't let something like dating stand in the way of, and it's threatening my overall attitude. I've started working out more, I've lost 15 lbs, I'm playing sports again, I'm moving in with some fun people/friends, and I'm signed up for guitar lessons again. I can't let these women continue to jeopardize that with their torture and bullsht. I'm clearly not meant for this, I believe in going after what you want in life, but it's been shown to me that dating, a relationship, a wife, a family....they are not part of my destiny.
I had to get this out there. I know I said I'd be done after the last one but I'm ending it now to make sure this doesn't continue. I can't deal with it, the indecency is too disgusting to bear anymore. I guess I'm just not strong enough for this.
Live life like me which is turning out to be great. Only talk to women when you are horny. And when you are not horny you can do all the other things you love doing until you get horny again.
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Last edited by yankeegirl313; 06-13-2010 at 09:46 AM..
Live life like me which is turning out to be great. Only talk to women when you are horny. And when you are not horny you can do all the other things you love doing until you get horny again.
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I didn't think your mindless and trivial outlook could sink any lower. The OP is going through a miserable phase but at least he's got some other interests and goals to keep him moving along which is more than can be said for you. 20 years from now you'll still be curled up with your Froot Loops in front of the TV - alone.
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 06-13-2010 at 09:47 AM..
Live life like me which is turning out to be great. Only talk to women when you are horny. And when you are not horny you can do all the other things you love doing until you get horny again.
F*ck that dating crap
You are first hand proof that using and objectifing women, are tactics that leave you looking silly and feeling lonely.
cdubs: Have you ever gone back to any of these girls and asked them to be honest with you about how you could possibly improve your dating skills?
They may give you the 'you date fine, there just wasn't any chemistry/interest', but it's possible you give off some kind of vibe or read situations wrong that they might have noticed.
If dating stresses you out, give it a break and more than likely things will happen when you aren't trying or least expect it. Online dating is a fine route if you keep an open mind. Just because it's a dating site though, doesn't mean you can't take it slow and start with the friends route. Just something to keep in mind.
cdubs: Have you ever gone back to any of these girls and asked them to be honest with you about how you could possibly improve your dating skills?
They may give you the 'you date fine, there just wasn't any chemistry/interest', but it's possible you give off some kind of vibe or read situations wrong that they might have noticed.
If dating stresses you out, give it a break and more than likely things will happen when you aren't trying or least expect it. Online dating is a fine route if you keep an open mind. Just because it's a dating site though, doesn't mean you can't take it slow and start with the friends route. Just something to keep in mind.
I actually have asked. I asked one girl if I had done anything to upset her in anyway and that she could be completely honest and she said she honestly liked hanging out with me but she just didn't feel the connection. The other girl I've asked, one that's done this to me (but it a more respectable way, took some time to think about it then told me over the phone at least) I sorta keep in contact from time to time. This particular girl I had reached out to during one of my "freakouts" and she had these exact words to say in an email to me when I had asked her to be honest about what was wrong with me:
"It is really hard to find a special connection with another person and it is cruel to waste someone's time and allow them to become emotionally invested if it isn't going to go anywhere. Just because you haven't found that special connection yet doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. To be perfectly honest, you were one of the most well adjusted, kindest, and most endearing guys I met on Match.com. "
I can't see anything I've done wrong in past dates. Everything I've felt personally that was a borderline action or words to say I've run by others and they say it's nothing. An example of this would be if I joked around about something very innocent and they didn't laugh at it. Well sure you could say that was a turning off point or something, but if someone doesn't find me funny then that's not really my problem and I can't change my personality. Nothing I've done has been crossing the line or rude or weird. The quote above testifies to this.
As for taking a break. I seriously think I will. I think I'll be happier without it. I decided to leave this girl a last voicemail where I said that I had been wanting to speak to her about something personally, but hadn't had the chance because I figured she was too busy, so I left a voicemail telling her I didn't think it was a good idea to go out anymore and that we should move on. I didn't give reasons, I didn't apologize or anything, I just said it wasn't going to work between us. Now I very well know that this girl 90% had already decided it was over as it had been almost 2 weeks since I last spoke to her, but I did it for two reasons: 1. It'll help me give myself some closure on the subject knowing I told her I did not want anything to do with her anymore, and I felt a lot better afterwards. and 2. It might eff with her head a little. I good woman friend of mine said that eventhough she didn't have plans to call you, it still might feel like a slight rejection to her since you didn't give a reason and might sting her a little bit, since she doesn't know why I did that.
Either way. I think I will stop. I did go on a first date today, I didn't really feel chemistry with the girl eventhough I enjoyed meeting her and talking to her. There's another girl that called me who wants to go out next week, but I think I'm just going to call that off. I really don't want to go through this stuff again, especially not back to back to back like I have. Maybe it's the close timeframe these "rejections" have occurred in that are getting to me. No time in between and they keep piling on before I'm even over the one before.
On the bright side, I didn't get the pain in the stomach or anxiety attack like I did before, so at least I can say it was a step in the right direction.
Don't throw in the towel. Ask your therapist about solution-focused therapy. Second, simplify dating. Dating is a numbers game, but simplify your approach. People often get caught up in the "who, what, where, when" of dating. People who are successful at dating and relationships share a common thread: they see relationships beginnings and maintance as most people remember the friendships they started and maintained in elementary school. Now, if you have something that is keeping you from seeing the simplicity or innonence in starting a relationship, get help from a pro who can work with you to peel back the layers. You may have hurt or other baggage that a pro can help you shed--much faster than you trying to it alone--in most cases. Remember simplify and be patient.
Don't throw in the towel. Ask your therapist about solution-focused therapy. Second, simplify dating. Dating is a numbers game, but simplify your approach. People often get caught up in the "who, what, where, when" of dating. People who are successful at dating and relationships share a common thread: they see relationships beginnings and maintance as most people remember the friendships they started and maintained in elementary school. Now, if you have something that is keeping you from seeing the simplicity or innonence in starting a relationship, get help from a pro who can work with you to peel back the layers. You may have hurt or other baggage that a pro can help you shed--much faster than you trying to it alone--in most cases. Remember simplify and be patient.
I have to chip in on this one and remark that it's been quite a while since I've read such nonsensical psycho-babble which I thought ran it's gamut in the 60s and 70s but has obviously now resurfaced.
Interesting living long enough and being observant enough to see how things go around and come around.
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