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Old 12-11-2010, 09:15 AM
 
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I have a question about abusive men (this isn't meant to be sexist but I don't have a question about abusive women and motivations may well be different).

When abusive men abuse - does that energise them? Do they feel good, re-energised, better for it? A bit like an addict getting a "hit" of whatever drug they need, they then feel better and that they can carry on and go out in the world and do what they need to do....

I don't know if anyone will know but if anyone has been or is an abusive man, I would really appreciate understanding a little more.

Thanks
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Old 12-11-2010, 09:50 AM
Status: "Turpa pie reikä ääliö" (set 21 days ago)
 
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This is a complicated question because there is no typical abuser.

There are some common factors though;

-they use violence and emotional abuse to control
-they believe they have the right to do what they want in their own home
-they hold deep beliefs about masculinity such as real men are tough and the head of the household
-they blame drugs/alcohol/other people/circumstances and refuse to take responsibility for their actions
-they often say they lose control around their family but can keep it together around friends/their job/boss/etc

Violence is still widely accepted, thus perpetuating domestic violence because men feel justified and entitled. Notions of masculinity also allow domestic violence to continue because men often feel they can't seek help as it will make them look 'weak'.

Some men feel guilty afterwards and become very remorseful. Some interviews conducted with abusers revealed they did not feel bad about it at all so whether violence is like a drug that gives a 'high' depends on the abuser.
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Old 12-11-2010, 10:01 AM
 
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Hello Djuna - yes, I expect that each individual is unique in their response. I think I was looking at it backwards, as it were - seeing abuse as a thing that they didn't want to do but was a result of 'provocation' but now I am not sure about that. I think they seek to abuse (not out of fear, or a lack of self-esteem or anything like that) but simply because it does energise them, make them feel good and that is why they look for likely 'victims'...

the ones who will stay, will endure or put up with it or won't have the resources (emotional or otherwise) to leave - they seek them out and when they find women/girls like that, they use all their charm and perseverance to make sure they 'hook' them because then they know they have a source of their "drug". Someone to abuse and they want that.

When that person finally leaves, broken and degraded and completely out of everything, they find another to take the place. They don't even look back, I don't think, unless they think they will find difficulty in finding a replacement - in which case, they might try to hold onto the one they already have their claws halfway into...

They say, the more you 'forgive' or 'understand' or 'tolerate', the more power the abuser has over you... I think that is true too. So better to get out when you can -

- but I am still curious that if I am right, that they do seek it and seek to abuse (rather than that being a reaction to other stressors) what is it that they 'feel' or what kind of 'buzz' do they get from abusing, if they do get one - what is that?

Thanks for replying and hope you have a lovely day. I think I am one of those women who abusers can recognise as someone who will "tolerate" etc. - a likely victim, unfortunately. Why that is, I am not sure - something connected with not really caring about anything much, always letting others take precedence (not exactly out of altruism either but out of a sort of ingrained belief that clearly their wishes, desires NATURALLY take precedence because mine are worthless/pointless - sorta thing). Anyway, yada yada yada --- all very peculiar.

Humans are peculiar! :-)
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
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I don't seem to attract physically abusive men (or maybe I can sniff them out ~ I don't know). But my first husband could be verbally abusive and that does damage as well.

I think he was quite insecure, very self-centered, and so putting me down made him feel about better about HIMSELF. Several years later he did apologize to me for it, acknowledged that HE was "the stupid one", but by then it was way too late. There were other issues, too.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:44 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chjones21 View Post
I think they seek to abuse

I believe so.

I had the very unfortunate experience of (briefly) dating a sociopath with verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive tendencies.

He liked to argue with and harass a lot of people, mostly other guys he felt inferior to, as well as intelligent women, not only in real life, but he really thrived online..

Talk about drama...sheesh. One would have guessed he was born with a vagina.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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It takes two to tango. I cannot read most material on this without ascribing at least some of the blame for these relationships to the women involved.

Much of this is very similar to the adolescent male who runs with the wrong crowd, because they are "exciting", gets drawn in to their illegal activities and ends up doing a long stint in the slammer.

"He was such a nice boy" is what his grandmother tells the press.

As long as abusive men are considered hot and exciting, with plenty of (often illicit) cash to flash, I don't see any significant change and this will remain the fodder for these sites for decades.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
Violence is still widely accepted, thus perpetuating domestic violence because men feel justified and entitled. Notions of masculinity also allow domestic violence to continue because men often feel they can't seek help as it will make them look 'weak'.
I strongly disagree. In the eyes of the abuser, maybe, not in the average man. My mother wasn't abused, my aunts weren't abused, I don't know a man that says it's okay to beat a woman.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotARedneck View Post
It takes two to tango. I cannot read most material on this without ascribing at least some of the blame for these relationships to the women involved.

Much of this is very similar to the adolescent male who runs with the wrong crowd, because they are "exciting", gets drawn in to their illegal activities and ends up doing a long stint in the slammer.

"He was such a nice boy" is what his grandmother tells the press.

As long as abusive men are considered hot and exciting, with plenty of (often illicit) cash to flash, I don't see any significant change and this will remain the fodder for these sites for decades.
If 'enough' hasn't been said about this then it will never be understood.

Control--control--control. Men do it, women do it--it isn't good. The pushing of buttons. In relatively normal relationships this goes on.

Then there are the predators---in a category all their own.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:02 PM
Status: "Turpa pie reikä ääliö" (set 21 days ago)
 
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Originally Posted by Bondurant View Post
I strongly disagree. In the eyes of the abuser, maybe, not in the average man. My mother wasn't abused, my aunts weren't abused, I don't know a man that says it's okay to beat a woman.
I meant in society as a whole, not in individual families.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Bondurant View Post
I strongly disagree. In the eyes of the abuser, maybe, not in the average man. My mother wasn't abused, my aunts weren't abused, I don't know a man that says it's okay to beat a woman.
My mother, a very sweet/nice girl-like woman can be very annoying at times. Never quite understands when to shut up. Drove my father out of his mind. I suppose he could be considered 'an abuser'. Actually, a nice guy--at times needed his space.

Cough--My mother still says, 'I forgave him'. And I say, 'Do you think he forgave you?' It doesn't register. She will never understand.
The women in my family seem to have that knack.
About all you can do is stay far away. I am a woman, fwiw, but hope never to be 'that kind of woman'.
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