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I think it may be a generational thing. If your young, when you hang out with your friends a lot of the opposite gender will be single. So you are in a no-pressure environment meeting potential suitors. It's a nice way to meet potential mates.
For me, at 44, hanging out with my friends won't EVER get me a date. Most are married. I've never met anyone at bar or club I've considered dating.
So to find other singles, I go on-line, with the sole intent to date. So we must meet at an agreed upon activity.
I don't really care about being judged, or the pressure of it. It doesn't phase me in the least.
judging to me is taking something someone expresses, i.e., an opinion, a like or dislike, etc., and inferring other things about their personality without the benefit of the whole picture.
When someone makes a judgment about a situation or a person it's individual based on they have experienced IN THEIR LIFE. NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU OR YOUR OPINIONS.
When you meet someone who you're interested in it's a blending of ideas and EXPERIENCES.
Everyone has opinions and makes judgments.
They may not agree with yours, but their life path is different from yours.
You know this right?
I think this idea is lost on so many singletons.
They throw up their hands and refuse to see outside of their personal space to understand the other person.
People cannot take it as a personal attack against their beliefs when someone makes a judgment you don't hold.
Everyone is an individual and you won't know their position if you also make a "judgment' and decide they're biased against some belief you have.
People need to talk to each other, you won't find them in a text message, wrapped up in a facebook, tied with a "perfect mate bow".
Dating has never been easier than it is today. You are the one making it difficult. I'm not saying you're an idiot, but I am saying that you are lacking some basic social skills. And I stand by that opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
Incorrect. You already stated that you find the process of getting to know someone to be a "false construct". Then you say you have this "gift with people". Right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I have no desire to give you either. I am simply commenting on your post, in this very public forum. I have nothing personal against you, nor do I think there is another soul in the world like me. I simply think you have a lot of growing to do.
when someone says stuff like that just because you don't like to date, then yeah, to me that is rude, and out of line, and certainly not adult! and luckygem, you made the point that people are simply sharing an opinion BASED ON THEIR EXPERIENCE. the whole point is that she has NO experience with me, no evidence in which to base her claim that i am a socially awkward hermit with no friends and immature besides, and maybe i have high standards but i don't think that is fair and equitable, and certainly nothing i would ever do. and that is all i am saying about that, as it has nothing at all to do with the topic, apart from being a total digression and a violation of the forum rules!
When someone makes a judgment about a situation or a person it's individual based on they have experienced IN THEIR LIFE. NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU OR YOUR OPINIONS.
When you meet someone who you're interested in it's a blending of ideas and EXPERIENCES.
Everyone has opinions and makes judgments.
They may not agree with yours, but their life path is different from yours.
You know this right?
I think this idea is lost on so many singletons.
They throw up their hands and refuse to see outside of their personal space to understand the other person.
People cannot take it as a personal attack against their beliefs when someone makes a judgment you don't hold.
Everyone is an individual and you won't know their position if you also make a "judgment' and decide they're biased against some belief you have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyGem
People need to talk to each other, you won't find them in a text message, wrapped up in a facebook, tied with a "perfect mate bow".
TALK TO PEOPLE.
That .. is all....
Yes.
i get
it.
i have friends who have some of the most venal beliefs imaginable, but we are still friends. i grew up with some hardcore racists. i am not a hardcore racist. i can separate my beliefs from others. i can learn to accept people who have beliefs almost violently opposed to my own. i had to learn that a long time ago. but the people who have remained friends have remained that way for a reason. we don't hate the other, judge the other, or talk down to the other for their beliefs. you do understand that this is something that happens in human relationships, right? that people can hold different opinions, and not do so with insults, and that insults are not "someone expressing their opinion" but really, just an insult?
and yes, the bolded part is the exact point i was trying to make. that you cannot know the whole of someone based on THEIR bias or a belief.
i have friends who have some of the most venal beliefs imaginable, but we are still friends. i grew up with some hardcore racists. i am not a hardcore racist. i can separate my beliefs from others. i can learn to accept people who have beliefs almost violently opposed to my own. i had to learn that a long time ago. but the people who have remained friends have remained that way for a reason. we don't hate the other, judge the other, or talk down to the other for their beliefs. you do understand that this is something that happens in human relationships, right? that people can hold different opinions, and not do so with insults, and that insults are not "someone expressing their opinion" but really, just an insult?
and yes, the bolded part is the exact point i was trying to make. that you cannot know the whole of someone based on THEIR bias or a belief.
And why are you single?
Did anyone in this thread insult you? You have a mind of your own not influenced by other people.
Why mention "race"?
Is that a defensive spot?
Do you want to meet someone?
You already outlined your criteria for meeting someone.
I hope you follow through with it and find someone perfect for you.
Did anyone in this thread insult you? You have a mind of your own not influenced by other people.
Why mention "race"?
Is that a defensive spot?
Do you want to meet someone?
You already outlined your criteria for meeting someone.
I hope you follow through with it and find someone perfect for you.
no, i was using the race thing as an example, because i am vehemently anti-racist, but grew up in the south and several people i love have some beliefs i can't wrap my mind around. not a defensive spot, just illustrating a point from my own life as an illustration that i don't dislike people full stop simply for having certain beliefs. i wouldn't date someone that felt that way, but if i get along with someone otherwise i won't skewer them over and over again. i have learned, believe it or not, to find common ground with absolutely everyone.
i am actually newly single, after having gotten out of a year-and a-half relationship. we are trying to work on it, but i don't hold out false hopes on that regard, but i am single by choice, at this moment in time.
i would like to meet someone, sure, but everyone of my relationships have started off as friends, or i have met them outside the dating structure, at shows i work, parties, etc. and i doubt after 25 years of assorted relationships that i am gonna go hop on zoosk and say, "wanna be uncomfortable in our most uncomfortable clothes- together?"
nah, more likely i will meet someone when i am out and about, through mutual friends, etc., and then we will hang out. works for me.
no, i was using the race thing as an example, because i am vehemently anti-racist, but grew up in the south and several people i love have some beliefs i can't wrap my mind around. not a defensive spot, just illustrating a point from my own life as an illustration that i don't dislike people full stop simply for having certain beliefs. i wouldn't date someone that felt that way, but if i get along with someone otherwise i won't skewer them over and over again. i have learned, believe it or not, to find common ground with absolutely everyone.
i am actually newly single, after having gotten out of a year-and a-half relationship. we are trying to work on it, but i don't hold out false hopes on that regard, but i am single by choice, at this moment in time.
i would like to meet someone, sure, but everyone of my relationships have started off as friends, or i have met them outside the dating structure, at shows i work, parties, etc. and i doubt after 25 years of assorted relationships that i am gonna go hop on zoosk and say, "wanna be uncomfortable in our most uncomfortable clothes- together?"
nah, more likely i will meet someone when i am out and about, through mutual friends, etc., and then we will hang out. works for me.
You do have realistic expectations, and I believe you are open to meeting someone with a similar vibe/personality as you and you won't have a problem finding someone when you communicate to the person you're interested in. Talk to them a while before you go out together. (If you talk long enough you'll aleady know what each other will wear on a first date, because you've talked to them.)
Relationships aren't built on "text message, click the button on the menu for what you want, quick information exchanges". You have to put in the time to get to know someone by talking to them.
I think it may be a generational thing. If your young, when you hang out with your friends a lot of the opposite gender will be single. So you are in a no-pressure environment meeting potential suitors. It's a nice way to meet potential mates.
For me, at 44, hanging out with my friends won't EVER get me a date. Most are married. I've never met anyone at bar or club I've considered dating.
So to find other singles, I go on-line, with the sole intent to date. So we must meet at an agreed upon activity.
I don't really care about being judged, or the pressure of it. It doesn't phase me in the least.
that IS something that gets to be a problem when you get older, for sure. back in the day you have your little gang of friends, you go to school with them, maybe work with them, etc., and its much easier. i am luckier in that i work in clubs, but hate, hate, hate bars. hate em. i am a cheap so and so. unless i am at the biltmore bar i don't see the point in overpriced drinks! but i still get a chance to meet alot of people and alot of people don't have that.
internet dating can be an option for some, i have tried it, but it seems the ones i ran into were all desperate and in a hurry, which we can all agree is a hell of a turn off.
I hate dating and I won't do it. It feels contrived. In fact, that's exactly what it is. I cannot distinguish between an interview and a date. I kind of understand why dating exists but what baffles me is that it is the norm. When did this happen and why?
I should say that even though it is the norm I find it far from normal. I see it as weird. I like to meet and gradually get to know people in what I consider a naturally occurring situation and environment, such as work, family gatherings, hobbies, sports etc (yes, there are really no shortage of opportunities). Conversation feels spontanous and uncontrived, unlike on a date where the person you are talking to seems to have read 'Deirdre's Top Ten Dating Tips for what to say and what not to do blah blah'.
If I have the choice between asking someone I like out on a date or risking never seeing them again, I will always choose the latter without even thinking about it. The reason is that if things are meant to be between us then we will meet again without having to contrive something and, if not, then I will meet someone else. No big deal getting stressed out about someone you do not know well enough to love, no matter how attractive they seem.
Dating to me seems rather desperate. Anyone else hate it?
No, I enjoy it. Desperation comes in when you worry about the date and the outcome. I always feel like I am in control of my own social life, and I enjoy going out and getting to know people, so dating is a great way to do those two things. Too many people stress about what the date will think, what to do, what to say, where to go....etc. etc. Who cares? You never have to see this person again, if you don't want to. Be yourself, do something you have been wanting to do, and just enjoy the moment.
Wasn't aware that I needed 'help', but thanks anyway
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