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As far as stirring up trouble for grieving kin, that's just not my style. I am very quiet and am not the type to get in anyone's face.
Just to be clear, I didn't think you would get in anyone's face
I was responding to Axle who seems to think a confrontational attitude is necessary in this situation.
I still say, if you are compelled to go and don't want to just plan your own memorial service in a comforting supportive environment, then do sit in the back and don't plan on being in any receiving lines with his family.
It's great that some family members are still open to you, but his mom isn't and she really lost the most by losing him - respect her wishes.
Just to be clear, I didn't think you would get in anyone's face
I still say, if you are compelled to go and don't want to just plan your own memorial service in a comforting supportive environment, then do sit in the back and don't plan on being in any receiving lines with his family.
It's great that some family members are still open to you, but his mom isn't and she really lost the most by losing him - respect her wishes.
Some months ago I sought advice on this forum about my relationship with my husband and found it quite helpful. Thus, I am coming back for your opinions on my current situation.
My ex-husband, from whom I've been divorced for nine weeks, has died. He was married three times and I am his most recent wife. He returned to his first wife a few months ago and was with her until he died a couple of days ago. The first wife has made all the funeral arrangements, which will take place at the second wife's church!!
I called my ex-mother in-law to give my condolences, and she was very cold to me and pretended not to know who I was, despite caller ID and my repeating my name four times. In the past she had made it clear that she thought I was wrong to divorce him when he had a terminal illness, although he did everything he could to drive me away. I've found out that my ex told his family, friends and ex-wives a highly fictionalized account of our problems, in which I play the role of heartless monster. Some of his relatives and our friends know this is untrue, but I think the ones who never heard my side may believe his version. So I'm not sure who's minds he's managed to poison against me.
I am, therefore, expecting to get the cold shoulder from some of the other attendees. However I still plan to attend the funeral with some of my family and friends for moral support. We won't be going to the post-funeral reception. I'm not sure what proper etiquette is in a case like this. I'm trying to figure out the best way to get through this with as little stress and drama as possible.
Should I get in line to greet the family, despite the possible hostility of some members? Am I considered one of the family? Where am I supposed to sit? What do I do when I see some of his old friends who knew me very well? Do I wait for them to approach me first? What's the best way to handle the ex-wives, whom I've never met?
Thanks for your help.
Why would you go. He lied and his family doesn't care for you.
I wouldn't go. If you go sit in the back of the church.
I don't understand why people behave so badly during death.
Just to be clear, I didn't think you would get in anyone's face
I was responding to Axle who seems to think a confrontational attitude is necessary in this situation.
I still say, if you are compelled to go and don't want to just plan your own memorial service in a comforting supportive environment, then do sit in the back and don't plan on being in any receiving lines with his family.
It's great that some family members are still open to you, but his mom isn't and she really lost the most by losing him - respect her wishes.
It's not confrontational. It is saying good bye one last time. Everyone needs that.
I attended my step brother's funeral a few years ago. I did not know there was some issues between my step mother and my step brother's ex girlfriend. I quickly learned there was. I guess the ex called my step mother to give her condolences and my step mother was pretty rude. The ex said she wanted to come to the funeral. My step mother said whatever. She then told everyone in the family she did not want that woman there and got everyone worked up in a frenzy.
So this ex girlfriend probably figured she would get the cold shoulder but I'm sure she had no idea it was going to be more than that. This woman shows up, very quietly and respectfully and my step mother went ape sheet. It was quite a scene. My step mother is a very ignorant person. It was a complete Jerry Springer moment.
I know funeral homes will arrange a special private showing for issues like this. You could say good bye without the family around. If not, then seriously think about what types of people you may be dealing with.
... my step mother went ape sheet. It was quite a scene. My step mother is a very ignorant person. It was a complete Jerry Springer moment.
I know funeral homes will arrange a special private showing for issues like this. You could say good bye without the family around. If not, then seriously think about what types of people you may be dealing with.
Luckily for me my ex's family members are very mannerly, well-educated people. I am not so naive as to think that people don't sometimes act out of character under stress. But a Jerry Springer moment? I don't think so...
Before the divorce I had an excellent relationship with all of them, extended family included. My relationship with his mother was fantastic--she was like the mother I always wanted. My ex was the only one I didn't get along with.
In any case, I will not go to the receiving line, and plan to leave as soon as the service ends.
Luckily for me my ex's family members are very mannerly, well-educated people. I am not so naive as to think that people don't sometimes act out of character under stress. But a Jerry Springer moment? I don't think so...
Before the divorce I had an excellent relationship with all of them, extended family included. My relationship with his mother was fantastic--she was like the mother I always wanted. My ex was the only one I didn't get along with.
In any case, I will not go to the receiving line, and plan to leave as soon as the service ends.
Good, well then if it makes you feel better then attend. I think you realize you might get the cold shoulder. Some people use grief as a means to get nasty and sometimes grief actually brings out the best in people. Your MIL might be pleased you showed up. I hope it works out for you to obtain closure.
There were only married a couple of years and she was his THIRD wife. He kicked her out after putting her in massive debt. His family does not recognize her as anything other than someone who was only there for a nano-second. I know she is hurting, but showing up at the funeral will only likely make her feel worse.
I remember this.
No, I wouldn't go. Never mind the family, I wouldn't grieve his death.
And I'd be glad I didn't get stuck with his debts.
Last edited by Yzette; 01-24-2011 at 10:13 PM..
Reason: went back and found old thread
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