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Keep the friend. After all, it is your husband's problem. And truly, it IS his problem, I agree with that. However, marriage is (for many of us) a TEAM effort, a TEAM sport, if you will. So if one person has a problem, then both do - the couple does. It takes TWO people working for the benefit of the total of BOTH of you to make it work. And it sometimes means sacrificing a personal want or desire just because the other person is having some unexplainable reaction. That's what team members do. That's what 2 people who became ONE entity do. You see, it's not that you lose yourself, or you give up being the person you were (after all, that is whom they fell in love with); it's about making choices....everyday. And the choices you are expected to make and should expect your spouse to make are ones that are best for the relationship, not for the individuals.
In this case, as 90% of the posters have said, your husband is having an unexplainable reaction to this friend of yours. The best thing FOR THE RELATIONSHIP is to focus on the 2 people involved in the relationship and that does not leave room for a third party who, right now, IS OCCUPYING a spot in the relationship. He is present in all you do together because you will not choose your husband over this other man.
You disregard your husband's feelings. I'll even go so far as to say they are irrational feelings. But they ARE his feelings and you have discounted them at every turn. Nothing anyone has said to you has gotten you to even admit that your husband has a right to his feelings, rational or irrational they be. Just as you have a right to feel that this person (gender is totally irrelevant) is important to you as a friend; but it is not helping your marriage. You have allowed a 3rd party to intervene. Your husband is not able to banish this 3rd party from his relationship with you; only you can do so. And you have and continue to refuse.
Every day, every hour, every minute that you refuse to acknowledge your husband's feelings sends a message to your husband that he is less important than your only friend. After all, you have declared your husband to NOT be a friend worth fighting for, only against.
You have publicly (even if he is unaware) disparaged your husband - the man you vowed to continue to love - the man you claim you STILL love. The man you claim you love. Love is not fighting against the person. Love IS about making some personal sacrifices now and again. Love is respect. Love is not spelled with an "i".
Try to read this whole thread as though it were written by your sister who "claims" she loves her husband, who claims she wants the marriage to continue to grow -- stronger and deeper in commitment. If you are still not able to hear what many of us have said to you, then I have serious concerns about the marriage surviving this minor crisis. I cannot imagine that you as a couple will ever weather any of life's truly great issues.
You husband is very insecure and feels inferior when he compares himself to your friend.
I hate putting this advice on a public forum where there are lots of men reading it but here's my advice--woman to woman. Don't know if this will help or not but it's worth a shot. Men have egos and men like to be admired. Instead of being defensive about it every time this "issue" comes up, try some silly "sweet talk" and put your arms around him and reassure him that no man anywhere could ever take his place in your heart and that you love him and only him. Mention some of his special qualities that you really appreciate and don't forget to tell him what a good lover he is. If you have to mention your friend, start finding fault with him and tell your husband you're glad he's not like that.
Just don't overdo this little "act" or he will see right through it. Good luck.
You husband is very insecure and feels inferior when he compares himself to your friend.
I hate putting this advice on a public forum where there are lots of men reading it but here's my advice--woman to woman. Don't know if this will help or not but it's worth a shot. Men have egos and men like to be admired. Instead of being defensive about it every time this "issue" comes up, try some silly "sweet talk" and put your arms around him and reassure him that no man anywhere could ever take his place in your heart and that you love him and only him. Mention some of his special qualities that you really appreciate and don't forget to tell him what a good lover he is. If you have to mention your friend, start finding fault with him and tell your husband you're glad he's not like that.
Just don't overdo this little "act" or he will see right through it. Good luck.
so you want her to add lies into the mix?? I dont think that is the best move
I tried talking to my husband about it on tuesday, but he flat out doesn't seem to want to talk about it and he freezes up when I so much as mention my friends name. If he won't even talk about it, how can we even resolve the problem when he just goes quiet and mopes around? I have suggested inviting my friend over when my husband is there, or going to one of my friends shows. He dodges the issue always and never seems interested.
Your husband has made up his mind. Read your (His) qoutes. See how he feels?
If your husband is more important, than your 'friend', drop your 'friend'.
Rather than argue with people's opinions, I will just tell you my own experience. Of course I'm basing this on the assumption that you are completely honest with your own feelings and that your friend feels nothing for you either.
When I was in a 10 year relationship with my ex, he was always very jealous of all my single musician friends (usually he would focus on just one guy at a time that he was jealous of... all of it was ultra ridiculous), especially in the first three years. Many fights were had. But later on he stopped being jealous. Maybe he got more mature. Or maybe time proved that my friends and I were trustworthy people. He even became friends with the friends he was jealous of. But I never really pushed the issue or tried to force my ex to accept anyone that he was averse to. He was always the one who started the fights. I also never told my friends about what my ex was thinking, because it was just plain embarrassing. It would be like talking about incest. What the hell. Plus you wouldn't want your husband to feel embarrassed about it either. So I never "ditched" my friends either, just kept in touch in a limited fashion (emails) or I might see them occasionally in public places. I also did not feel compelled to tell my ex about every communication we had because I knew it was completely platonic on both sides. You might want to think about why you feel compelled to tell your husband about every single communication. Is it possible that in the back of your mind there might be an inkling of romance on your musician friend's end?
However, the fact that my ex no longer felt jealous never stopped the girlfriends of my male friends from feeling intensely jealous of me. I think that is their own insecurity issues that they have to deal with. Usually I ignore it because it is just too ridiculous and impossible to show the girl that I have no interest in their man (which to me is like having "sloppy seconds"... who the heck wants that... ewwww). I mean if I try to be nice to the girls and they give me the evil eye, there isn't much else to do. A lot of times everyone else around me would also "suspect" that something is going on with me and the guy friend, even though we have done NOTHING to warrant the suspicion, like we don't even hang out except occasionally in groups where our SOs were also present. I think you will just have to ignore all that BS. The people who were most suspicious were always the ones who liked to sleep around and cheat a lot, so no doubt that is what THEY would do. Can you say, PROJECTION? I couldn't believe the rumors that were going around, they were so ridiculous... like I was really good friends with this one guy and one girl and we used to hang out together all the time PLATONICALLY - so people would make up stories that we had a threesome. I could gag all day thinking about it.
I think what caused the jealousies was the fact that my male friends would speak very highly of me - but the girlfriends could not stand that they actually respect another girl. To them that was more threatening than if they simply told their gfs that they thought I was hot. Applying this to your husband - You definitely don't need to reiterate to your hubby how talented this guy is and how much you respect him. That would just make things worse.
I would just try to treat your hubby nicely, don't mention the guy or try to force him into any acceptance. But don't necessarily ditch all your single male friends either. Hopefully your loving actions will help him to come around in a gentle way... but it might take years. Hopefully your hubby has enough great qualities that make it worth staying together.
In the end my ex and I broke up for completely unrelated reasons. So it wasn't the serial jealousies or our single friends - that was long ago dealt with... I think you guys can get over it. Just take the zen approach.
so you want her to add lies into the mix?? I dont think that is the best move
Who said anything about lying? What she's doing now isn't working so I'm suggesting a different approach. Surely, she can find qualities about her husband that she likes and admires. I'm advising her to concentrate on reassuring him about why she loves him and what it is about him that she loves and to do it in a sweet and loving manner.
Keep the friend. After all, it is your husband's problem. And truly, it IS his problem, I agree with that. However, marriage is (for many of us) a TEAM effort, a TEAM sport, if you will. So if one person has a problem, then both do - the couple does. It takes TWO people working for the benefit of the total of BOTH of you to make it work. And it sometimes means sacrificing a personal want or desire just because the other person is having some unexplainable reaction. That's what team members do. That's what 2 people who became ONE entity do. You see, it's not that you lose yourself, or you give up being the person you were (after all, that is whom they fell in love with); it's about making choices....everyday. And the choices you are expected to make and should expect your spouse to make are ones that are best for the relationship, not for the individuals.
In this case, as 90% of the posters have said, your husband is having an unexplainable reaction to this friend of yours. The best thing FOR THE RELATIONSHIP is to focus on the 2 people involved in the relationship and that does not leave room for a third party who, right now, IS OCCUPYING a spot in the relationship. He is present in all you do together because you will not choose your husband over this other man.
You disregard your husband's feelings. I'll even go so far as to say they are irrational feelings. But they ARE his feelings and you have discounted them at every turn. Nothing anyone has said to you has gotten you to even admit that your husband has a right to his feelings, rational or irrational they be. Just as you have a right to feel that this person (gender is totally irrelevant) is important to you as a friend; but it is not helping your marriage. You have allowed a 3rd party to intervene. Your husband is not able to banish this 3rd party from his relationship with you; only you can do so. And you have and continue to refuse.
Every day, every hour, every minute that you refuse to acknowledge your husband's feelings sends a message to your husband that he is less important than your only friend. After all, you have declared your husband to NOT be a friend worth fighting for, only against.
You have publicly (even if he is unaware) disparaged your husband - the man you vowed to continue to love - the man you claim you STILL love. The man you claim you love. Love is not fighting against the person. Love IS about making some personal sacrifices now and again. Love is respect. Love is not spelled with an "i".
Try to read this whole thread as though it were written by your sister who "claims" she loves her husband, who claims she wants the marriage to continue to grow -- stronger and deeper in commitment. If you are still not able to hear what many of us have said to you, then I have serious concerns about the marriage surviving this minor crisis. I cannot imagine that you as a couple will ever weather any of life's truly great issues.
Awesome NY !
And for every minute that goes by, OP erodes the very core of the relationship, so that her husband does not feel * safe * in the relationship . He feels worried because she is doing things that make him feel he could lose her.
OP, if this is a spiteful attack on your husband or just a bit of *tittilating * excitement * you are getting from the fact that TWO ( 2 ) men are interested in you.....
And what does this SAY about your * wonderful old friend * when he LIVED with a women he did not LOVE, openly admitted he USED her for a place to live and now he has his eye on you . What a PRIZE !!!
Who said anything about lying? What she's doing now isn't working so I'm suggesting a different approach. Surely, she can find qualities about her husband that she likes and admires. I'm advising her to concentrate on reassuring him about why she loves him and what it is about him that she loves and to do it in a sweet and loving manner.
Just don't overdo this little "act"
an act is something that I would consider dishonest
You're either bragging that you have a "male friend" or you are completely clueless. There is no room in a marriage for your old "male friend." Ditch him before you husband figures out that he married a woman without proper boundaries and does the smart thing and drops you like a bad of dirt.
I've been married for 5 years to my husband. We have had no real issues with our relationship until now.
I recently got back in touch with a male friend that I knew way before I knew my husband. He's a guitarist in a fairly successful local band and I would always go to his shows. We became good friends and confided in one another, although it was never "romantic" and purely platonic. I lost touch with this guy just after I got married, but thanks to Facebook, I found him. Now we also play World Of Warcraft together, as we are both game nerds.
Now we email one another and my friend actually confided in me and told me about how some girl had f'd him over. We spoke for over and hour and I did the right thing and told my hubby, but he didn't say much.
The problem is that my hubby clearly is uncomfortable with my male friend. He told me the other day that he is fine with me having male friends, as long as he trusts them and knows them (????). He doesn't like this particular male friend because he feels inferior to him as he knows I like music and creativity, while my hubby isn't musical. I keep telling him that he has nothing to worry about and that I'd never meet my friend alone without him, but he is now paranoid about us emailing one another and for some reason is upset that my friend confided in me about his personal problems.
We had a massive argument yesterday with him saying "Sorry I don't have any musical talent" and storming off. I don't want to ditch my friend, but what should I do? My husband doesn't like him, but he won't tell me outright to cease contact with this person. Most of the friendship is just over email and World Of Warcraft. I am beside myself as to why he is acting like such a jerk, knowing that I have few friends.
Thank you for listening.
Respect your husband's feelings and stop communicating with this other man. He shouldn't have to tell you to cease contact. You should do it just because it is upsetting to your husband , period.
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Read your (His) qoutes.
See how he feels?
