Getting Married Despite Having Serious Doubts (dating, wife, marriage, women)
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Over the years, I've met quite a number of people who admit to having had serious doubts about getting married. But they did so anyway and, in most cases, the marriage ended in divorce.
Now, I can understand if you're feeling pressure to get married. Maybe all your friends are getting married and you feel like there's something wrong with you because you're still single. Maybe you're reaching some milestone age like 30 and you worry that there won't be any quality people left. Maybe you want kids or your parents want grandkids and you feel like time is running out, but you also don't want to raise a child on your own or with someone you're not married to. But is there more to it than that?
It's one thing if everyone else wonders how you can be so sure about someone. But it's different when you yourself are having doubts. I guess I'm just fascinated by the idea that people make such big commitments despite being unsure of themselves. If you buy a house and if it turns out that you made a mistake, you can always sell it. Same with taking the wrong job or moving to the wrong city. And perhaps being able to divorce makes it easier for people to marry, knowing that if things don't work out, they can always end the marriage.
Are we just an impatient culture, one that makes rash decisions that, deep down, we know are wrong? Do you think people cave into pressure too easily? Do people figure it's OK to take big risks if they have a safety net in case things don't work out? I can't help but wonder how many people would get married if they were told they could never divorce.
Anyways, I'd be curious to hear from people who either got married despite having serious doubts or know someone who did. Why did you or they still get married? Were those mistakes repeated? Did it cause you to question your own judgment and leave you less likely to trust yourself?
Never had a doubt that I wanted to marry my ex back in the mid 70's, but I DID end up marrying the wrong lady and (thank God) it was a short marriage......less than 2 yrs. Did it sour me for wanting to marry again, NOT EVEN!! I didn't remarry for the next 22 years, but I sure hated being single. I got engaged a couple of times during those 22 yrs, but fortunately neither turned into marriage.......again, ended up picking the wrong ladies. Then, in 2000, met my wife and the rest is history! Every time I look at our wedding photos in our dining area, a BIG smile comes across my face!
I had serious doubts about one or two of my friends' relationships--they, of course got married anyway, either divorced or still together--what do I know?
I seem to know either extremely stable people---do not make impulsive decisions or rather impulsive people, independent. Both types cope with the consequences and soldier on.
Amongst women--'Put on your Big Girl Panties and Deal With It' is the current mantra---equivalent to the military's philosophy known for many decades to men?
Any woman with serious doubts that asks for opinions will be told---'You knew this when you married him and you are now surprised, complaining---you need to get your 'S' together ASAP.'
I assume men have similar advice for each other.
LOL--by all standards that have been identified in this forum--I am either 'Queen of the Red Flags or 'The Perfect Woman'. I know I am sick and tired of the speculation about my marital status.
It is the most poignant regret of my life that I listened to 'The Sage Advice'---should have snared a man and done 'All of That'. My family is exceedingly cautious---carefully evaluates 'risks'---it is also approaching extinction--due to this extreme caution.
Yes--love can be problematic--but it can also transform and energize.
Sometimes I think people DO cave in to external pressures to marry.....sometimes they marry for all the pomp and ceremony the wedding will provide....and sometimes they marry because (like you said) they think they're getting too old and don't want to stay single.....I personally married at 23 mostly to satisfy the parents on both sides.(we had been together 6 years already), but as it is 31 years later...guess I lucked out, we still love and respect each probably more now than before..........LoveBoating, I hope you keep on smiling BIG.
Always listen to your gut. Your gut tells the truth.
My brother called me two months before his wedding with the simple sentence, "Well, she's moved out of the bedroom." Now you'd have to know my brother. He doesn't ask advice about ANYTHING.
My reply? "If you postpone this wedding, nobody will think badly of you. I promise." But whether it was a matter or pride or a matter of sheer momentum, he didn't call a halt to it. So he married the youknowhat.
They were separated six weeks after the wedding. It was really ugly. I'm glad he is no longer married to the shrew, but I hated the misery he went through. In the long run, it would have been so much easier on him if he had simply said, "I'm not going through with this."
I think there are people who marry with NO reservations and it's still a horrible decision. I think that there are some who are wise to be worried, marry anyway, and stilll wind up happy.
There are some who marry with NO reservations and are happy and never divorce. There are some who marry with reservations and wind up divorced anyway.
It's a mixed bag. Unless there's something horrible staring you down (like a partner with a major illness or an arrest record as long as your arm... someone who has been abusive, etc), there's no reason to give marriage a shot with someone that you are happily dating and have been with for a reasonable enough amount of time that you've gotten to know the person.
Why the fear to marry a person you've dated for 2 years, known for 3? I mean, are you really that worried that this person isn't THE ONE?
Is there such a thing as THE ONE anyway?
Why not just try being happy with the person you're with?
I think we have too many choices in modern society. Back in pioneer days, people were lucky to live into their 30s to be pondering why they didn't marry at 18.
LOL--by all standards that have been identified in this forum--I am either 'Queen of the Red Flags or 'The Perfect Woman'. I know I am sick and tired of the speculation about my marital status.
It is the most poignant regret of my life that I listened to 'The Sage Advice'---should have snared a man and done 'All of That'. My family is exceedingly cautious---carefully evaluates 'risks'---it is also approaching extinction--due to this extreme caution.
I don't consider myself a big risk taker. In most areas of my life, I tend to play it safe. That's probably a big reason why I've never been married. Over the years, I've been accused of being too picky or too commitment-phobic. It's sad, but I think a lot of men get married, in part, to prove that they're not afraid to commit. I don't think my standards are too high and I'm definitely not afraid to commit to someone. What I fear is committing to the wrong person. I would rather remain single than end up with the wrong person. I see nothing wrong with being a risk-averse person as long as you don't take it to the extreme where you're afraid to do anything and become completely indecisive. In today's world, people confuse the two. If you're not willing to take chances, you're viewed as being indecisive.
A lot of my peers got married in their 20s, had kids, and either divorced or will in the near future. That's why I don't regret not getting married. I think I would've ended up like them.
I almost got married when I was 25 but I called it off 8 months before the wedding. It was one of the best things I ever did. I have no doubt that we would have been divorced soon after. We loved each other but we never really got each other. We didn't understand each other and didn't understands the needs of the other person. Got married at 28 - to the true love of my life and neither of us had a single doubt. We've been married for 6 years now!
Most of my friends have gotten married in their early 30's and I think they all really found their soul mates. I know a few people that were married in their early 20's for a brief period of time but living in NYC - people usually marry later rather than earlier. I'm probably biased but I think that's better now adays - you know yourself better and you know what you are looking for.
I don't consider myself a big risk taker. In most areas of my life, I tend to play it safe. That's probably a big reason why I've never been married. Over the years, I've been accused of being too picky or too commitment-phobic. It's sad, but I think a lot of men get married, in part, to prove that they're not afraid to commit. I don't think my standards are too high and I'm definitely not afraid to commit to someone. What I fear is committing to the wrong person. I would rather remain single than end up with the wrong person. I see nothing wrong with being a risk-averse person as long as you don't take it to the extreme where you're afraid to do anything and become completely indecisive. In today's world, people confuse the two. If you're not willing to take chances, you're viewed as being indecisive.
A lot of my peers got married in their 20s, had kids, and either divorced or will in the near future. That's why I don't regret not getting married. I think I would've ended up like them.
I am somewhat like that. Certainly didn't want 'anyone' to have to deal with my family---overly conscientious/religious type of teenager--who knew that other parents argued and disagreed---mine did. I can only assume my dad experienced several decades of angst---middle life issues--and never found appropriate outlets. My mother---she can be overly-concerned and invasive--then defensive.
None of this was discussed then as fully and completely as it is today. I wouldn't have worried greatly about these 'terrible problems'---had I known that this does indeed go on in many/most homes. 'Shame/Guilt'---very familiar with all that.
If people cannot imagine that this is the simple truth---explanation of my single status---there is nothing I can do about that. 'Nice Girls'--what they can and cannot Do---they will be judged by other 'Nice Girls and Nice Boys'--the sheer insanity of it all.
I am still 'Nice'--prefer to be ---but at times must 'Roar'.
I know it is stupid--but the songs of the late 60's/70's were too good. I must be forever someone's 'Brown-Eyed Girl'---Van Morrison. He will of course be 'My Guy'. Hopeless Romantic and I like to dance. lol
I was in my cousin's wedding about 25 years ago and it was the wedding rehearsal at the church. The groom was not there, we waited for like an hour and he finally showed up. I had to go to the restroom and when I came back, I witnessed (without them seeing me) the groom's hesitation of getting married. He didn't want to marry my cousin. My cousin told him that they couldn't back out of the wedding now, everything was paid, she didn't want to be embarrassed, etc. They ended up marrying and my cousin looking like hell on her wedding day from not sleeping the night before.
They are still married BUT my cousin, I believe, made the marriage hell for everyone including her children. She never got over the rejection from her husband and I believe made it hard for him and really herself throughout their marriage. Now that the kids are grown, I think they're doing better and they're getting along but I don't know if they'll ever have a good or happy marriage. I think both just settled.
In my family, that's about the norm. No one in my mother's family thinks it abnormal but again they wouldn't know what normal was if it hit them upside the head.
I've been single for a number of years and am happy waiting to see if there's anyone out there for me. If not, that's ok because I have a full, happy, busy life.
Last edited by donie1; 04-06-2011 at 10:08 AM..
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