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You and your kids will be better off without him. YOU WILL NOT RUIN YOUR KIDS LIFE if you divorce this douche bag. In fact you'll be doing them a great service.
What you are experiencing is a big thing called verbal and emotional abuse. I agree with applejuice, plan and plan now. Shut down anything related with your husband (emotions, intimacy, kindness) and do what needs to be done to prepare your exit and a better healthier life for your kids and yourself.
Thanks for all of the advice everyone. Of course, today I feel stupid for even posting all of that because it seems like everything has blown over. (and he acts like everything is fine)
So that makes it okay? He pretends like he hasn't been abusing you and your son, like everything is fine now, and that makes everything alright again? How long will it be before he abuses you, or worse, your children, again? How long will it be before he goes through another "mean" cycle? Did you even read the article I posted? One of the points is called "The Mean and Sweet Cycle", the part I've bolded is exactly what you're doing right now:
Quote:
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
What's even worse is that your husband doesn't even seem to bother much with the sweet part of the cycle - instead of being sweet, he just behaves normally and you're just so relieved he's not being abusive and is acting normally, you make excuses for him and pretend like he won't do it again. It's a classic sign of an abuse victim.
I know you probably won't listen to any of this until you're ready to face the truth but it needs to be said because there are children involved. You're children are being abused, stop pretending like "everything is fine now". NOTHING is ever "fine" when someone, especially children, are being abused. Please, please, please get help and get them away from this horrible man!
I would be very surprised if anything physical ever happened. I would run out the door (with the kids) and NEVER come back.
He is just a weird man who lives in his own little world.
The things he has done have left a strong emotional scar: I mean who thinks they are marrying a man who is going to do this: When our 2nd son was a newborn, and our oldest was 2, I was sitting in a chair breastfeeding the newborn. I asked him to get me a glass of water (important if you are nursing) and his response was "Ok, but I'm not going to be your slave."
I mean WTH? I tore into him for that because what kind of person says that to the mother of their children? (and he is very pro breast feeding) When I told him that my friend's husband gets up with their newborn at night, he said "Oh and you believe that?" Umm.. YEAH. The sad thing is a broke up with a serious boyfriend in college because I thought he was going to be too "old school/ 1950's Dad" and it looks like I ended up with someone a lot worse!)
Just plain WEIRD.
Oh and he blames his mother for ruining his life by divorcing his father. (YEP) His mother passed away about 2 years ago, at the early age of 64.
Note to women out there: NEVER marry a man who doesn't speak highly of his mother and never marry a man who didn't grow up with at least one sister full-time. (and thus has no idea how to relate to women... he grew up with his disfunctional Dad) And look closely at dear old Dad before you marry.. that is what you are likely to end up with.
Note to women out there: NEVER marry a man who doesn't speak highly of his mother and never marry a man who didn't grow up with at least one sister full-time. (and thus has no idea how to relate to women... he grew up with his disfunctional Dad) And look closely at dear old Dad before you marry.. that is what you are likely to end up with.
I can only agree that a dysfunctional upbringing will most likely lead to a f-d up adult. So what kind of adults do you want your kids to become?
Why do you think I moved BACK to Florida? I wasn't about to get a divorce living way up in Georgia by myself with no family around.
One step at a time...
OK, a serious question: Isn't some "snappy" language normal from many husbands? I don't think I am in the worse boat in terms of "emotional abuse" by far. I think if you had a hidden camera, this type of thing would be seen in many homes in the US.
Then again, maybe NOT. I really have no idea if I am over-reacting or maybe under-reacting. Either way, it's time for a JOB, then counseling and/ or legal advice. Then I can do what needs to be done.
I mean what kind of husband says "If you don't like it, you can get an apartment because this is MY house?" OMG. Things like that tell me that this is not a true partnership.. this man is not emotionally capable of having a partner.
From the limited research I have done, if I were to take the kids and leave, that could be a strike against me in a proceeding. So I need to have info. Someone said that you want to serve him with the papers and go from there (but I don't see how you act normal from that point...) I think I would have to leave with the kids that night b/c you just never know and how awkward would it be from that point on??? Again, on my list of questions for an attorney.
Why do you think I moved BACK to Florida? I wasn't about to get a divorce living way up in Georgia by myself with no family around.
One step at a time...
OK, a serious question: Isn't some "snappy" language normal from many husbands? I don't think I am in the worse boat in terms of "emotional abuse" by far. I think if you had a hidden camera, this type of thing would be seen in many homes in the US.
Then again, maybe NOT. I really have no idea if I am over-reacting or maybe under-reacting. Either way, it's time for a JOB, then counseling and/ or legal advice. Then I can do what needs to be done.
I mean what kind of husband says "If you don't like it, you can get an apartment because this is MY house?" OMG. Things like that tell me that this is not a true partnership.. this man is not emotionally capable of having a partner.
From the limited research I have done, if I were to take the kids and leave, that could be a strike against me in a proceeding. So I need to have info. Someone said that you want to serve him with the papers and go from there (but I don't see how you act normal from that point...) I think I would have to leave with the kids that night b/c you just never know and how awkward would it be from that point on??? Again, on my list of questions for an attorney.
You're not alone, but then he needs to treat you better milady
I just went back and read some of the notes that I'm keeping - things he has done in the past that I could use for documentation. Pretty rough to read.
Once he told me I was "acting like a f---- *****" Then at Christmas, my 3 year old son said 'fb' in front of my mother. (and of course, she knew where he heard it) I just have no idea how things could get to this point.... but here I am.
OK, a serious question: Isn't some "snappy" language normal from many husbands? I don't think I am in the worse boat in terms of "emotional abuse" by far. I think if you had a hidden camera, this type of thing would be seen in many homes in the US.
It doesn't happen in this home. In this home, it'd be a one-way ticket to bye-bye land.
And don't measure what you would or wouldn't put up with based on what you consider 'the norm.'
Being rude to your spouse is never appropriate, no matter how many people are doing it.
Sounds very similiar to my exhusband....... I WISH I left sooner. My kids are now 12 & 14 and it's a tough age..... anyhow get to counceling yourself as soon as possible. You need to get an emotional support system in place for when you leave and I do mean leave, don't stay. I stayed too long and I can't tell you how hard it's been to undo the damage he has done to me. Verbal abuse is horrible and degrading, please go see someone, you may even be able to get a restraining order and that will force him from the house.
Good Luck...... stay strong
Thanks for all of the advice everyone. Of course, today I feel stupid for even posting all of that because it seems like everything has blown over. (and he acts like everything is fine)
Yes, I am a stay at home mom, but it's high time to get back to work. I am working hard to find a job. (against his wishes because he is very against putting kids in day care)
To answer the question of why he is stressed out - I guess part of it is his job and our money situation. We are in pretty good shape compared to many people these days, but his job stresses him out.
I just wish I had married someone who had a higher tolerance for stress, and someone with a better sense of humor (and who is more emotionally available). Instead, I married a robot-like man who is very intelligent on paper but has no common sense. Sure, it could be a lot worse, but it could be a LOT better too.
I won't do anything until I have a firm plan, money, and advice from an attorney up front. I don't even know if I love this man anymore, but I also have no idea if there is anything better out there.
Please do yourself a favor and don't make any excuses for this man!!! Google verbal abuse signs ( you will be surprised) then Google Narcissism. Educate yourself and get a therapist you will be better for it.
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