Am I over-reacting? Husband treats me poorly (wife, marriage, men)
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I'm so sad right now. My husband has once again yelled at me and I just don't think this is going to work anymore.
Today, he criticized me for raking the leaves wrong (while he was inside sleeping). Says I put too much dirt in with the leaves.
Then he yelled at our son to "walk faster" to get into the bathroom for his bath. Our son (age 5) came into the bathroom in tears because "Daddy yelled at me to walk faster." (this breaks my heart)
Then during dinner, my husband was watching Star Trek and it was so loud, just blaring (as ALWAYS). I asked him to turn it down and he got angry (as usual) and said "You know what.. too bad! I'm sick of your voice")
He micro-manages me constantly: I don't walk the isles in Costco in the right order; I press the buttons wrong on the a/c in the car; I let the kids watch the DVD in the car on short trips (supposed to be only for long trips, so it doesn't 'wear out').
There is ZERO emotional support from him. I don't expect a marriage to be perfect, but I do know this is not normal). Is it too much to ask to have someone who you feel is "on your side" and really cares about you? I seriously don't think I can last a lifetime like this. We've only been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids (ages 2.5 and almost 5). Basically, my husband has changed 100% from the man I thought I married. He is always on a "short fuse" (for example, cursing if something falls out of the refridgerator when he tries to take it out).
I hate to see our boys raised in this environment, but I really didn't want to possibly destroy their lives by getting a divorce (he blames his mother for ruining his life by divorcing his father when he was 11) Nice, I know (I wish I knew that before... would have been a red flag for sure)
Oh and he says things like "If you don't like it, you can get an apartment because this is MY house!" (Ummm...no)
I suggested counseling 2 years ago and he said "That's absurd."
I just cannot take it anymore! The saddest feeling in the world is realizing you married the wrong person and wishing you could just go back in time. Other times, when I had talked myself into taking steps toward divorce (like getting the name of an attorney to seek out some advice up front), I feel like a huge weight was lifted and I wanted to smile. I don't want to jump to conclusions and over-react. But then again, it would be nice to have someone to laugh with and someone who doesn't say mean things to me (like "you're mentally ill") OMG... I guess I am going to end up divorced. Scared to death... sad... just over it.
This is pretty sad. It sounds like he needs to be whacked hard with a reality stick that this behavior is not acceptable, but it sounds like that could lead to some kind of outburst. Not sure what to do here when someone just doesn't get it.
Wow...what a sad post. I'm sorry for your pain. My only suggestion would be to go to counseling by yourself, if he won't go. Perhaps he's see that your serious about making some changes in your life.
But, no, you and your boys shouldn't live with that sort of verbal abuse. And guess how your sons will end up speaking to their kids & spouse?
Go to counseling for your self. Also, join a support group or church (Divorce Care is excellent). You need to prepare a strong support system if you decide you need to get a divorce. That is no way to live-and you have to be proactive for you and your kids.
Start planning how you would support your kids and yourself? Job? Money in the bank (take your half out before you serve him with divorce papers if it is a joint account). Look into custody laws in your state...start documenting in a diary how he behaves (this may help in the divorce if you want to limit the time he has with the kids)
Start looking at sample divorce/custody settlement agreements to get ideas. Divorce is a very difficult and emotional process. However, depending on the situation (verbal and emotional abuse) it is for the best. You would be doing this for your kids. They are still small enough to recover...the longer you wait, the older they will be, the harder it will be for them.
Speaking from someone who went through a divorce (but not because of abuse).
PS The biggest issue is custody-he may/probably try to hurt you with the kids. It is scary when you don't trust your ex-spouse, yet they get to care for what you love most in this world.
Go to counseling for your self. Also, join a support group or church (Divorce Care is excellent). You need to prepare a strong support system if you decide you need to get a divorce. That is no way to live-and you have to be proactive for you and your kids.
Start planning how you would support your kids and yourself? Job? Money in the bank (take your half out before you serve him with divorce papers if it is a joint account). Look into custody laws in your state...start documenting in a diary how he behaves (this may help in the divorce if you want to limit the time he has with the kids)
Start looking at sample divorce/custody settlement agreements to get ideas. Divorce is a very difficult and emotional process. However, depending on the situation (verbal and emotional abuse) it is for the best. You would be doing this for your kids. They are still small enough to recover...the longer you wait, the older they will be, the harder it will be for them.
Speaking from someone who went through a divorce (but not because of abuse).
PS The biggest issue is custody-he may/probably try to hurt you with the kids. It is scary when you don't trust your ex-spouse, yet they get to care for what you love most in this world.
^this
I don't really have much more to add except to say that it does seem like this marriage has been over emotionally for a very long time already. Based on what you've said, you'll be much happier divorced. Get a good lawyer.
I was at that point with my husband a few years back. We worked through our issues, although it felt impossible at the time.
One thing to consider: when men are depressed, it often comes out as anger. He could be stressed too...how's your financial situation? (don't answer that, just consider it yourself to see if it could be a source of stress) A lot of men are raised not to show any emotions except anger. I'm not excusing him or saying you should just suck it up and live with him forever...just saying that maybe there's something going on with him that could be worked out, assuming you and he were willing.
First, I just let my wife read your opening statement and we both agree that this man has a problem that definitely needs HELP!!
As for us, I can get loud towards my wife sometimes, but she also knows that I can have a loud voice at times, not just thru anger/frustration. I can carry my voice over tv sound, A/C on, washer/dryer on, etc. When my voice does have the loud "anger/frustration" tone in it, she totally understands that sometimes the "loudness" is due to being unemployed for way to long. I also get fairly frustrated when I have to repeat what I just said to her a few moments before. She is an extremely loving, supportive and understanding of how I get sometimes. I don't call her names or anything like that. As far as humorous/laughing times together, we have plenty of them. We also give each other hugs and say "I love you" quite often w/a little kiss! Oh yes, I truely love my wife!!! We are an older couple, in our early 60's and no kids/grandkids around.
Sounds like my soon to be ex husband. I could never do anything right. Eventually I stopped doing things. When he asked why I wasn't doing such & such any more I told him that he could do it himself since he didn't like the way I did it.
Honestly, if he does not want to change he never will. If he does not think he needs to change he never will. He is setting a HORRIBLE example for your kids.
Is divorce sad? Sometimes. But it is not nearly as sad as a lifetime of verbal abuse. Is divorce scary? Sometimes. But not nearly as scary as a husband who might eventually turn the verbal abuse into physical abuse.
{{{hugs}}}
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