long term-long distance chemistry fail (man, love, single, personalities)

[JerZ]

Did you ever see the movie "Same Time, Next Year" from the 80s or late 70s? It's possible that you two have that spark (or sonic boom) because you only have limited time together.

You think you want to spend your life with this man but that's at least partially because of how intense things are when you're together. But that intensity could "poof" completely once the dynamics change, no matter how solid you may think it is.

And it isn't solid. You see each other a couple/few times a year, know it, can plan for it, build up to it and you both know you're going to have this "fairytale," as you said, for a day or two (which is all a fairytale is sustainable for, really). Of course you all but read each other's minds during those very few days of intensity. When someone wants to have sex with another person, s/he will automatically begin picking up on signals in a hyper-intensive way. It's subconscious but it's what happens. It's the way it's supposed to happen.

But my take on this is, if you've both been able to get on with your lives during the 360-ish other days a year you're not together, then you can easily live without one another and it wouldn't be the same long-term...all of a sudden it would be overkill.

I feel for ya. I know how heady that type of thing can be.

[MIKEETC]

Originally Posted by aroux

here's the long and short of it.

...

What do you say? fuggehdabaddit? go for it? see what happens? live life in the moment and date someone if they come along? or just shut the hell up

You need to do one of two things:

1) Pull the trigger now and do what you have to do to be with him;

or

2) Forget about it.

[aroux]

@ jerz, no i haven't seen the movie. and you're right, saying "i want to spend my life with him" is a bit rash (bit?) what i really mean is i want to be with him and see if it works, see if there is something solid between us, see if the potential for a life with him is real, and not just some build up, or expectation, or one too many lifetime movies.

[h886]

Originally Posted by aroux

@h886, i understand your concern about it being one-sided. we have discussed our mutual feelings. he gets terribly jealous when he knows i've started dating someone. i have never behaved in a jealous manner towards him when he is dating someone, i usually wish him well, and he called me out on it. he's asked me about moving, i've asked him about moving. again w/o giving TMI, moving for either of us at this time is not feasible. i'm not sure what is "fairly simple" about a relocation in any event. there will be a time, in the foreseeable future where moving is possible and practical, but that time is not now.

as i've mentioned, when one of us has a SO (sometimes they've come to the conference with us and we've met) we do not spend time alone together, we engage in casual chit-chat, we do not share meals together, we do not take a cab together, we maintain boundaries with each other. and yes, although we may communicate with each other when an SO is in the picture, we cut communication back, we don't talk about "us." again, we keep boundaries. neither of us wants to be a "home-wrecker," if you will, we respect that the other person is in a relationship. which is why i wouldn't, say, call him up tonight and be like "i've decided i want a LDR with you. i can't stand it any more." if such a conversation ever happens it would only happen if we were both single.

it is precisely because relationships are so hard and so much work when you live in the same city as someone, that trying to deal with a relationship that is hours apart isn't something we really want... i mean, it sucks that we live far apart. i know in the past i have "dealt with it" just fine, in part by listing every possible bad reason, in part by dating other people, and in part by knowing we're just living our own lives and that's much easier to deal with then trying to have a relationship over skype, not being able to have dinner with him, not being able to snuggle with him, not being able to wake up together. i really don't know what changed from before, other than the realization that there is a specific time in the foreseeable future where moving is an option for one of us.

the big differences are: educational/financial/spiritual and TMI. if we were artists-- one of us would be a pollock, one a michelangelo; actually, wow... that's a perfect analogy for everything.

Out of curiosity, is the future option "for one of us" to move actually only one person? As in, he's stuck in place, but you could move, or vice versa? If so, is it you or him?

You seem like a nice person. I would suggest that if you want this, you take action sooner rather than later, or else give up on it entirely. In the grand scheme of things, relocating is not that huge of a thing, not when you're in your 20's/30's with no kids. No, it's not as easy as walking across the street, but compared to the real issues a marriage has to face, it's small time. Imagine one of you getting seriously ill, parenting differences, having your house destroyed by natural disaster or fire, losing a parent or family member, both of you losing your jobs at once... chances are strong that any marriage will face at least one of these.

And at some point, you have to put your priorities in order. Everyone can rattle off a list of why they don't want to move. I'm sure your reasons are sound. Maybe one or both of you are in school. Maybe someone is caring for a terminally ill parent. Maybe someone has a great job. I don't know. I agree with you that sometimes there's not a perfect time to relocate... but the thing of it is, life only lasts so long. It's been 10 years of dancing back and forth, never in the same place at the same time. How long do you expect him to wait? How many years do you plan to give up? For a relationship to work in the long term, both couples need to value it and each other above virtually all else. The relationship and being together to strengthen it must be put above location, above that perfect job... I'm not saying you've done something wrong by not moving, but IF this is what you want, I think you need to take concrete steps to make it happen, or not. If he won't move to you? I doubt he cares enough for you for this to make it long term. If you won't move to him? Same thing. Location is trivial when you truly love someone. Home is wherever they are.

As a final note, I read in your response that you do not consider the contact you've had with each other while committed to girlfriends or boyfriends to be inappropriate, but I must ask you to consider how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. IF a year from now you two were living in the same city, dating and in a serious relationship, would you be okay with another woman having the sort of contact with him that you do now? What if they had known each other for 10 years, there were sultry looks, people commented on their wonderful chemistry, they were aware that both had feelings for the other, but neither had acted on it because of circumstances? Would you really be okay with that? Would you be okay with her contacting your BF, talking to him online, through Facebook, through email, her maintaining a "friendly" relationship with him in whatever way she could within bounds and waiting around on the off chance that one day he and you had problems and broke it off, so she could have her chance? If any of this would bother you if/when he was your boyfriend, I would question why it's okay for you to do it to another woman now.

As a final question to consider, how do you explain him getting back together with this woman if what you two share is really so special? Does he simply not care for her the way he does you? Is he just using her for sex while he waits to see if you move there? What does all of this say about him?

[aroux]

compared to the real issues a marriage has to face, it's small time. Imagine one of you getting seriously ill, parenting differences, having your house destroyed by natural disaster or fire, losing a parent or family member, both of you losing your jobs at once... chances are strong that any marriage will face at least one of these.

i live alone now, in a city with no family and a few budding friendships-- what if i get seriously ill? parenting differences are inapplicable to me but can happen whether people are married or not. again, my house now could be destroyed by disaster or fire--that's not something that happens exclusively to married people, neither is the death of a parent or family member. none of those issues are anything that could not be faced by either one of us (and some of which i have (and he has) already faced.)

as i'm sure you're aware the US economy is crap right now. jobs are not falling off trees and the ones that are don't offer a living wage and benefits. the housing market is in the toilet with the economy. giving up a good paying job to move to a city where a similar paying job may not exist or selling a house for less than is owed on it is utterly ridiculous. call me the least romantic, perfectly prudent person on the planet, but i would choose staying where we are, not dating each other, over the struggles and fights and stress to the beginning of a relationship that would come by intentionally putting ourselves in a situation that many people in this country have been put in unwillingly and are barely keeping their heads above water. i mean, if you're already in a relationship and someone looses a job, you buckle down and you get through it... you don't quit your job and move and hope love will find a way. now THAT is a fairytale.

i'm not saying that is or is not what our situation is. just trust me when i say either one of us moving at this time is not an option but it will be an option at a known time in the future. i will also fully admit that i have been asked in the past to move, and i could have, and i chose not to. there were reasons then that were negotiable and it was a choice not to on my part (and i think the right choice at that time)-- what i'm looking at right now is NOT one of those choices.

as to the appropriateness of our contact-- i'm one of those people who (call me naive) believes that men and women can be "just friends." i have had many platonic male friends, i have dated men who have platonic female friends, some of them ex girlfriends. i would not consider myself a jealous woman by nature. there have been times that friendships have made me uncomfortable and i have put my foot down. there are times exbfs have put their foot down with me and i made choices... sometimes right ones, sometimes wrong ones. we don't spend hours talking on the phone, we aren't secretly carrying on, we aren't sexting, we don't rendezvous. even when we're both available we don't talk every week... or even every other week. and what contact we do have does diminish when a SO gets involved. if he told me his gf didn't want us talking when they were dating i would absolutely respect that.

like i said in the first email, i'm aware that i can't say "i don't want to commit to a LDR with you, but i don't want you to date either." as has been said, i need to do something or don't... i can't have it both ways. i know that. i respect that. it is what it is.

i can't speak to why they got back together, i didn't ask, i don't know. i don't begrudge him a relationship, companionship, sex, love... <see above> i can't expect him not to see if there is someone better out there if i'm not willing to say 'let's do this'. and i need to decide if i am willing to do it, and willing to put my money where my mouth is, and find out if he too will pay to party.

[myrevenge]

It sounds like you are not serious about this guy and love having a fantasy man. The problem is, no man you meet can live up to it. You get to indulge in fantasies of the elusive future (waiting for the economy to get better?) instead of trying to make it a reality. Right now, you have nothing but a first stage attraction. It isn't worth a passing thought.

[Ulysses61]

If the chemistry is as strong as you say it is, then you would together, simple as that. You're complicating matters and making excuses why you're not a couple. People who have such extreme chemistry as you claim find ways to be together. This has been going on 10 years, what have you been waiting for!??

[hindsight2020]

LDRs don't work. I just ended another failed attempt at one today. This one didn't make it through three months of separation. Way too open ended. Im done with LDRs. They don't work. Of course if I could find suitable people to date in my zip code I wouldn't be in the predicament in the first place. No one wants to live in my zip code. Except illegal aliens. Great. lol Eff it Im going monk...

[aroux]

@ revenge & ulysses, i can appreciate what you are saying, however, my previous postings make it clear that 1. it's simply. not. doable. at. this. time. but. will. be. in. the. future. 2. i know when a reason is a negotiable reason and a non-negotiable reason, these are non-negotiable reasons. 3. i'm not saying the economy is the reason (i'm not saying it's not either), nor am i saying i'm waiting for the economy to get better-- what i did say was that it's a fantasy to think that our chemistry will magically pay the bills if one of us (maybe) gave up a lucrative, secure job to move into the unknown "because love will find a way" and i would rather not be so naive as to believe that would be a good start to a relationship.

i dunno.. i just dunno. keeping calm and moving on

[Henna]

You are way over-thinking this. Just put him out of your mind, concentrate on school and before you know it, you'll probably find a classmate to take this guy's place in your head.