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There's nothing wrong with trying to help him. It's possible to help someone without dating him or her. A potential mate is not a therapist.
We are the product of our experiences, true, and it's unfortunate that Bob has had crummy experiences. He is not a blank slate at this point--surely you see that. Maybe a woman will give it a shot. I'm just saying I don't know anybody who has successfully done this. After a while, the patience and understanding and hope runs out. Would you date someone who regards all men with suspicion, anger and hostility--and not an unhappy 20-year-old either, but a 60-year-old?
You have many excellent points Julia -- as always, I deeply admire your wisdom and the thoughtfulness in your posts! And yes, seeking professional help may certainly also be of much value to Bob. (ETA: I know that it definitely helped me.)
Ultimately though, the only way Bob is going to be able to have what he wants -- a loving relationship and a marriage -- is for a caring lady to give him a chance. To be sure, the more he can help himself, the closer he can get to that objective. However, to be fair, even if he helps himself and is no longer angry or unhappy with women, he still may not be able to find a loving relationship.
I think both things are good prospective goals: him seeking to improve himself, *and* a kind lady giving him a shot at love I don't think they necessarily need to be mutually-exclusive
Maybe not everyone believes the friend zone exists but for those that do...why do you put certain men there?
Does it have to do with your attraction to the man?
Compatibility/Potential with the man based on personalities, traits, interests, beliefs, etc?
Availability? Maybe you're in a relationship...or he is in one...
Is it mainly one of these? All of the above? Something else?
Oh, the Friend Zone definitely exists. I've had (and still have) quite a few long-term guy friends who are there. In my case it's mainly the attraction issue. I'm not physically attracted to them, but I like talking to them and/or hanging out with them.
Hhmm... When I was single, there was no guy that I would even put in a "friend-zone." I was living with my parents with a controlling father and the other reason was I was too busy getting my own life started before I could share it with a guy anyway.
As a matter of fact, I didn't even know that even exist!
Last edited by Saberai; 07-05-2011 at 09:18 AM..
Reason: bolded the wrong word :p
I am friends with some guys, but I've never used the "Let's just be friends" line. That's what the friend zone is, right? If a person has romantic feelings for another, being platonic friends will not be enjoyable. That's what unrequited love is.
I've learned that men HATE being in the friend zone. They'd rather just not be in my life if that's their option. So now I don't even use that line "Let's just be friends" I just don't need the drama
Methinks that perhaps all our new friend Bob needs, is to feel truly "loved", "understood", and "appreciated", by the right gal
From his posts, he is clearly very intelligent, witty, and humorous (in a good way). All he needs is to be loved, by a nice girl, and treated right...the rest will fall into play, once that happens...
An interesting analogy ("fixer-upper") Although, don't we all start out, that way? As a blank slate? We all ultimately have to learn and grow, in loving, and in learning to love another.
Just for an example: Julia, maybe just for one sec, think back to when you were say, 16 or so. Did you have the wisdom and grace then, that you have now as an adult, and in your current happy marriage, my friend?
B/c of the constant rejection, and never succeeding, it really seems that Bob never had that chance to learn and grow, when he was younger. So I'm not quite sure what is so wrong, with trying to help him?
Thank you Knight, May God Bless you for all your defenses of me. You are completely in the right, in all that you say. Thank you for having the good heart and for taking the time to understand what's going on and what the right answer is and for having the guts to say it.
I've learned that men HATE being in the friend zone. They'd rather just not be in my life if that's their option. So now I don't even use that line "Let's just be friends" I just don't need the drama
A couple of my guy friends threw hissy-fits and we didn't talk for months, lol. But we eventually became friends again. I think I have an equal amount of guy-friends and girl-friends.
Women put men in the "friend zone" for several reasons. Sometimes she's not attracted and would prefer to keep the relationship platonic. Sometimes she likes the ego boost of having male orbiters.
To a guy, her reasons do not matter at all. It's not your job to make her life comfortable by being her friend and taking it "nice and easy." You go for the smash, and if she's not down, then it's on to the next one. At the end of the day, most women will subconsciously have more respect for the guy who goes for what he wants and then keeps it moving than they will for a guy who allows himself to be neutered and sits waiting in the friend zone for weeks.
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And yes, seeking professional help may certainly also be of much value to Bob. (ETA: I know that it definitely helped me.)
I don't think they necessarily need to be mutually-exclusive 
When I was single, there was no guy that I would even put in a "friend-zone." I was living with my parents with a controlling father and the other reason was I was too busy getting my own life started before I could share it with a guy anyway.
