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Hello everyone,
I am a 34-year-old woman, married 5 years. My husband and I are having relationship issues and I don't know where to turn, but I thought I'd try this forum and see what you all think.
First of all, we are each other's first significant romantic relationship. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual aquaintence. We work in similiar professions and we had a lot in common. We both instantly felt a connection. Within 2 months of meeting, he proposed to me. I said, "Yes," but on the condition we wait a year before marrying, so we could get to know each other better.
We ended up marrying the following year. Again, we were still in a "puppy love" phase. The only red flags I noticed throughout this time (pre-marriage and immediately after) was that occasionally, something would upset him (like someone parked in his apartment parking spot by accident and he freaked out; banging on the horn and yelling, until the sheepish car-owner came out of the building, apologized and offered to move his car, and my husband acted all normal then, smiling and saying, "Thanks!").
Another time, we had just purchased our first home, and the sander we had rented didn't seem to work. He freaked out again, jumping up and down, screaming, "Wooorrrrkkk!!! Worrrrrkkkk!!!!!!" at the sander at the top of his lungs before calling the place we rented it from to come and help us; they simply plugged it into a different outlet and it worked fine.
Meanwhile, 99 percent of the time he seemed the perfect gentleman: Opening doors, sending me flowers at work, saying he loved me; everyone commented on how pleasant and nice he was.
Some other things he does when something upsets him: He'll give me the silent treatment and act passive-aggressive, or, if he's driving, he'll speed up and tailgate someone in front of him for a bit if he's angry about something. He once got in trouble at work for stressing out and making everyone in the office unfomfortable: He was muttering under his breath, swearing and whispering things in a sort of "tight" voice that suggested barely-contained rage; he'd start pulling at his hair, putting his head in his hands, sighing etc. Finally, the boss called him on it and said he would have to learn to be "less demonstrative" because it made others uncomfortable. Of course, my husband didn't understand how it made everyone (including me, who worked in the same office for a time, uncomfortable).
He's told me that as far as emotions go, there is no middle ground--it's either bottle it up or let it all out.
One major sticking point in our relationship currently: He is desparate for children; I'm having a harder time. I've always had some anxiety about being pregnant and giving birth biologically (I was a preemie baby myself, and always have had a seemingly irrational fear of anything medical). Anyway, I'm trying to get over this, but he is impatient (he was raised in a very traditional Catholic home (I'm Methodist) --and is one of five kids; in his family, children are considered the highest plateau of personal achievement. In any case, he's trying to be patient with me but as he is approaching 40, he says his "biological clock is ticking." His parents are constantly asking him when we are going to have children.
The worst thing, however, is that on our family reunion, my father-in-law (who I've always sensed had some sort of issue with me) confronted me privately and asked me point-blank if I had sexual relations with his son, saying that my husband had come to them awhile ago and had said that he so wanted children with me and was miserable and unhappy and that whatever my problem was, I needed to "get over it." My father-in-law then said, "You make my son unhappy" and walked out of the room.
Turns out my husband had told his mom about a year ago something vague like, 'We're having some issues" but she must have told her husband, and he reached his own conclusions. Needless to say, this encounter with the father-in-law ruined the rest of the vacation for me and caused me to run upstairs and cry my eyes out, not to be seen the rest of the evening (my husband came up to check on me, found out what his dad had said to me, and went down to confront him, telling him it was none of his business)...meanwhile, he begged me not to leave him and said his dad didn't speak for him, in that in a moment of frustration, he had confided a bit to his parents, but he realized now how wrongheaded that was and he should have talked to a counselor/priest, etc.
By the next morning, everyone knew something had happened, though I'm not sure if they knew what it was about. My mother-in-law came upstairs after I didn't join them for breakfast to try to smooth things over: "Don't be made at your FIL: he just had too much to drink; I don't know why he said that; we all love you and you're part of our family" etc. etc. It did little good: I felt like the damage had areadly been done.
Before we left that morning, just as I got in the car, my father-in-law, looking properly chastened, came up to the car and said, "I'm so sorry about what I said; things were said but I hope we can work through this." I just nodded curtly and we took off. Meanwhile, hubby is already asking me to consider forgiving his parents; to just listen to them...he said, 'I know they're upset about what happened and that they love you." Also, he says, "I stood up for you to my dad and I will again." Yet, he still keeps saying, "Can we at least try for a baby?"-even in light of all of this drama.
Ironically, I find I am almost more upset with my husband's parents than I am at him, even though he was in the wrong for spilling about the issues in our private life. It's as if I got "cast out" by the parents-in-law as "not good enough" for their precious son, who can do no wrong. It's like they see me as a fraud, and since I feel like a fraud, it's just maddening to me....I'm just not the kind of model daughter-in-law they think I should be.
As for my husband, now he's on his best behavior trying to "win" me back--though the other night, when we were about to make love--he told me that a particular expression I make while we're intimate is upsetting to him--he thinks it means I'm not enjoying myself--he said it was like "nails on a chalkboard" and proceeded to demonstrate (mimic) whatever this thing is I apparently do, instead of being concerned and asking, 'Is there something I'm doing wrong? Am I hurting you?" or something like that. He seems to have very little empathy or emotional awareness. His thinking is also very rigid and within the parameters of how he was raised; he seems very immature emotionally. The only time he really shows any emotion is angry outbursts--like a 3-year-old. Once, we were outside in the garden and he accidentally broke a handsaw--the ensuing yelling and cursing attracted stares from some young neighbor girls next door, who looked to be about the ages of 10 and 8. How embarrasssing...
The lack of empathy also extends to the rest of this (clannish) family: His older sister, who has had grudges and run-ins with the in-laws and with members of her own family, recently sent a note and pictures of this recent family reunion to our home. The letter was addressed to my husband only, and the note inside said, "We hope you are ok, Joe. We love you!!! (the latter underlined three times for emphasis). One time, when she and her family visited us, they made a scapbook with pictures in it, and wrote as captions, 'Visiting Joe" and "We love our Uncle Joe!!!'
So, this is basically what I am dealing with: A moody, petulant, emotionally-immature husband who claims to love me but seems too caught up in his rigid thinking and expectations, and lack of emotional awareness to realize how hurtful some of his actions have been. He often holds grudges and has a hard time of letting go of things; whether they be material things or preconceived notions or behaviors. I just wonder if any of you have gone through something similiar, and would this be considered emotional abuse?
You're joking, right?
Passive Aggression is abuse. So is breaking your trust to squeal to his stupid parents, allowing his sister to disrespect you, accusing you of "upsetting" him with a facial expression - need I go on?
You have two choices here - either run like the wind from this freak and his trainers, or stay put, let them use you as the family whipping boy, have a succession of little passive aggressive abusers just like this idiot's parents did.
You will teach your children to either be bullies, or how to be victims. There is no happy medium with a family like this.
I have red flagged the red flags. You are still making excuses for his behaviour, and his family's.
These people are always right, and you will always and forever be wrong. Unless you are some sort of masochist with a burning desire to give birth to the next generation of abusers, run now.
At some point you will look back and wonder when it was exactly, that you started to hate and fear this guy.
Run. Now. He (they) will never change and you do not want to give birth to another generation of this screwed up genetic material.
This is the sort of family that will gang up on you and try to take custody of whatever children you have, in the event of your (inevitable) divorce. The kids will carry 50% of his DNA so will probably turn their backs on you if it suits them.
All I can see is more heartache if you stay with this scumbucket.
ETA just to illustrate clearly how you are making excuses for this psycho, without even realising it -
He's told me that as far as emotions go, there is no middle ground--it's either bottle it up or let it all out.
The only time he really shows any emotion is angry outbursts
So, he's just an expressive guy...but the only emotion he apparently has is anger.
WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU?
PS just noticed how old the thread was, what's the bet she's two kids in already and watching this maggot scream "sleep! sleep! you're making me angry!" at them.
Great post, MsAnn. But you missed one of the read flags: during the engagement and shortly after, he's have temper tantrums over his parking spot being taken, and would bang on the horn until the offending car owner came.
Oh. But it's an old thread. Jeez. I hope she's ok.
oh my we have a lot in common hun however me and my husband have one child and one on the way right now and when my husband doesn't get his way he throws tantrums (hes 25 im 23 and find this very immature), however when he gets angry he calls me selfish and a bad wife and threatens things like taking my kids away from me but then 20 minutes later apologizes. mind you my husband is a veteran and has severe ptsd but I find that he gets jealous that I put our kid infront of him. just resently he was going through tooth pain and wanted to go to the hospital, I went with him but told him I would stay in the car because I didn't want our child to catch anything, hes not dying or anything my god all he was going in for was t3's or something and I was called selfish, I don't console him enough I don't stand by him yadda yadda yadda then we get home hes slamming doors and huffing and puffing! I find this behavior very unattractive and I feel your pain on the embarrassment of angry out bursts! did you and your husband find anything that worked for you because my husbands childish behavior is putting a huge wedge between us and I have no idea how to tackle this sort of behavior in a grown man!!!!
There's a technique called EMDR that does a very effective job of clearing PTSD, and it usually only takes a few sessions. Google it in your area, or Google "trauma counselors" to find a practitioner near you. Get treatment for your husband, if the Vet Admin won't.
OP..You've already checked out of this relationship, if you stay the little things that bother you will become larger and larger issues instead of things you would look past in a loving relationship. They'll drive you crazy.
He sounds somewhat emotional abusive, right down to:
The fits and rages; The passive-aggressive sulking/silent treatment to punish you; Betraying your marriage and tattling on you to your parents. (He knows how they are; he baited them into "fussing at you about a baby--what business is this of theirs!) Don't do it! If you're already pregnant, LEAVE. You will be raising your child in a highly dysfunctional setting. How do I know? I did it, I stayed, I started a family with an abuser and now both my daughters now grown struggle because of the influence his dysfunctional parenting and his sociopathic tendencies. It was a high conflict divorce, because he needed to have a drama and be center stage in the lead role. Stay, you'll pretty much be miserable for years.
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