Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a friend that I've known for well over 20 years. She's always been a good person, great friend, and is always the first one to jump in when someone needs help. The problem is, she treats people like idiots.
For example, you both live in the same town and yet she feels she has to give you detailed directions on how to get somewhere. You already know how to get there, yet she insists on telling you. She would even try walking you from Point A to Point B for fear of you getting "lost". She needed her friend to purchase some outdoor holiday lights --- very simple: outdoor LED string lights, multi-color, large bulb. Rather than just tell him to buy them, she just has to take a million pictures of the box with her cell phone and send it to him (she should have just bought them herself!) She had painters over to paints some rooms --- rather than let the PAINTERS paint, she had to stand there and tell them what to do, how to do it, etc etc etc. One time, I had to get info on registering my child for something. I called the place, got all the info, knew exactly what I had to do and bring and when to go. She felt the need to call the place and "check" to make sure I had all the correct information ---- and did I feel like a fool when they told me "your friend called to make sure you had all the information".
Now, I am not stupid, dumb, or slow --- not on any level whatsoever. I don't "get" why she feels the need to do this to me as well as others. It's embarassing (try being in a restaurant where she has to insist on telling the chef how to make French Onion Soup in the crock with the cheese over the top!).
It's really driving me crazy. I don't want to lose this friendship but I'm really not sure how much more of this I can tolerate!
I'd have to cut her loose...... sorry, it's just me........
I feel the same way --- like my patience is finally giving out on this. I really find her to be a good friend, but this control issue of hers is really wearing thin. (not to mention embarassing --- how can you tell a CHEF how to make a simple thing like French Onion Soup?!?!?)
She sounds like she is insecure. A person who is very controlling has insecurity problems and/or an anxiety disorder. Unless she goes for help and some antianxiety medication she is not going to change. It is up to you to decide whether or not it is worthwhile keeping her as a friend or cutting her loose. How do you feel about telling her how you see her and how you see your friendship? What do you have to lose by telling her what you think, how you experience her and how you feel? Do you have anything to lose by telling the truth? If you have nothing to lose then try to talk to her and explain what you see when you deal with her, what you experience when she behaves the way she behaves, how it makes you feel and what it makes you think. Ask her to go for an evaluation by a psychiatrist to see if she has self esteem problems and/or an anxiety disorder. People who seek to control everything thing around them either have low self esteem or they have such bad anxiety that they turn into control freaks. Or, they can have both at the same time. It could also be OCD as OCD people seek to control their environment. No matter how you slice it...she would benefit from an evaluation appointment with a psychiatrist. If she needs help you can go with her to the appointment and explain to the psychiatrist what she does because she is probably not aware of it. If she goes on her own she may not give the full picture to the psychiatrist because she has such little self awareness. If she doesn't give the full story to the psychiatrist the doctor may not accurately diagnose her and she may think everything is fine when it is not.
So, that is some stuff for you to think about. I hope that helps. You can't make her better. Only she can make herself better so don't bang your head on that wall.
Her behavior does sound quite a lot like OCD. I don't know what to tell you other than just limit your time with her as much as possible so that you don't end up behind bars for throttling her. I don't think there'd be any point pointing out to her the annoying behavior as it's doubtful she would recognize it. If the friendship should be lost, then so be it. We all change as we get older and it's perfectly normal to grow apart from those who at one point we felt would be our best friends to the death! Good luck.
She sounds like a pain in the butt but I don't get the feeling that she really does think people are idiots--just that she's a bit too "on" most of the time. I think that if you do cut her loose, that you should tell her why. She's probably already wondering why people are avoiding her and you'd be doing her a favor. Better yet, have a talk with her before you lose the friendship and she may decide to work on that. That is, if you think she's the type to do so--some people would never admit fault in anything.
Thanks for all the great input and advice. The funny thing is, she never used to be this way and, in reading your responses, some things are dawning on me: Her personal life is in a constant state of turmoil, upheaval, chaos and it seems the more chaos she has going on, the more she wants to control other people. I guess it gives her a sense of controlling "something".
When I posted the original post last night, I was just very annoyed about something she did --- once again, trying to give me directions when I know where I am, know where I'm going, know how to get there. I told her "I know" several times, but she insisted on telling me again. If that didn't make things bad enough, after she left, she called and left me a voicemail letting me know the buses were running fine (really not necessary. if the bus isn't "running fine" there's really not much else I'm going to do other than walk or take a taxi)
One time, we were kidding around --- she had gone to the bank to do some transfers, etc. She was taking a while and we were all joking that she's probably telling the bank how their system isn't optimal or that they should really change the color of the money or something. Funny how all of us verbalized the same thing.
She's a very smart person and I respect her intelligence. I just don't get why she can't respect others' intelligence or even their common sense. I know it's a control issue more than anything but it's driving me crazy!
I'm going to have to sit with her and have a real talk with her about it. She's a really good, good person and I don't want to lose her friendship.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
