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If you are confident in what you believe you won't have that combative response.
People who are confident don't get offended by jerky actions? I am Irish. I am always combative. Being combative is ... entertainment. And you probably could not find a more confident person.
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By their responses to these situations the women seem to lack confidence. You may argue but you won't take it to the dysfunctional level. If you are dating this is all part of getting to know someone. But you can't get to know someone if they are just a big bag of secrets and avoidance. Then its all conflict without learning or resolution. He didn't tell her who she can and can not see. He said he didn't want to date someone who hung around with ex's. And she didn't want to be told she couldn't.
So they are not compatible. Better to find that out at a month than at 10 years! I would not date someone who tried to tell me who my friends could
be.
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One could say going out with men you used to date while dating someone else is tacky. I personally think it is.
Both my husband and I have friends, mutual and not, that we formerly dated. He chose me. I have no reason to feel threatened by past girlfriends.
For me it is not so much whether it is RIGHT or NOT RIGHT to have friends among former dates. It is agreeing on important stuff and letting the rest slide. When people are fixed in the rightness of their views, fighting for that right is very often a huge cause for relationship failure.
If you are confident in what you believe you won't have that combative response. By their responses to these situations the women seem to lack confidence. You may argue but you won't take it to the dysfunctional level. If you are dating this is all part of getting to know someone. But you can't get to know someone if they are just a big bag of secrets and avoidance. Then its all conflict without learning or resolution. He didn't tell her who she can and can not see. He said he didn't want to date someone who hung around with ex's. And she didn't want to be told she couldn't. One could say going out with men you used to date while dating someone else is tacky. I personally think it is. And she avoided telling him right off the bat so she knew it could of been a problem otherwise she would not of avoided it.
That article is about people very early in their dating relationships. That is why it says "things women asked their dates," not "things women asked their boyfriends."
As for this particular "request," here is what the article says:
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Mary, 28, from North Carolina, says: “I told the man I was dating for several weeks that I was planning to see a few friends for dinner. He asked, ‘who?’ and I thought: This is nice, he’s actually curious about my friends. But when I mentioned a couple of guys’ names, his face got very serious and he asked me if I’d dated either of them [in the past]. In fact, I had dated one of them in college, but it was casual then and certainly platonic now. I couldn’t believe it when he told me he couldn’t see me anymore if I was still hanging out with past boyfriends. I was insulted that he assumed I had poor boundaries with my pseudo-ex, with whom I still share many mutual friends. It turned out that he didn’t really like me hanging out with any guys — period! I told him that my friends are non-negotiable.”
The guy in question sounds paranoid. He is worried about a person the woman casually dated 7 or 8 years earlier who is in her circle of friends, and he was worried about them in a GROUP situation, to boot.
Not for nothing, but the moment a man I don't know very well starts asking me who, what, when or where, he's out of there. Unlike "Mary," above, I don't see it as being curious. I see it as paternalistic and intrusive.
But, see, unlike Mary, I would not proactively mention upcoming plans with friends if the man had not met them yet and was not also invited. It's impolite and potentially hurtful in that it could make him feel excluded. And if I did have to mention that I had plans, say, if he wanted to go out Friday and I had plans with friends that night, I'd just say, "That's not a good night for me. I'm meeting some buddies for dinner. But if you're free Saturday..."
That's all he needs to know at that point in the romance.
People who are confident don't get offended by jerky actions? I am Irish. I am always combative. Being combative is ... entertainment. And you probably could not find a more confident person.
So they are not compatible. Better to find that out at a month than at 10 years! I would not date someone who tried to tell me who my friends could
be.
Both my husband and I have friends, mutual and not, that we formerly dated. He chose me. I have no reason to feel threatened by past girlfriends.
For me it is not so much whether it is RIGHT or NOT RIGHT to have friends among former dates. It is agreeing on important stuff and letting the rest slide. When people are fixed in the rightness of their views, fighting for that right is very often a huge cause for relationship failure.
Yeh...but do you debate combative or degrade into dramatic semantics. Thats the difference.
I agree they are not perfectly compatible. But how many stories have you heard about husbands that say something stupid but are great guys otherwise.
Well that friends or not friends is your personal value system. And its not uncommon to have clashing values on that. I still think the way she went about it was shady. Mine also has some ex's as friends which I don't like because I know where it could lead. I have some as well. But we both agree on hanging out without each other and an ex is just stupid to do. Because no matter how much you trust your love, doesn't mean someone else outside won't try something and make for an awkward situation.
If you are confident in what you believe you won't have that combative response. By their responses to these situations the women seem to lack confidence. You may argue but you won't take it to the dysfunctional level. If you are dating this is all part of getting to know someone. But you can't get to know someone if they are just a big bag of secrets and avoidance. Then its all conflict without learning or resolution. He didn't tell her who she can and can not see. He said he didn't want to date someone who hung around with ex's. And she didn't want to be told she couldn't. One could say going out with men you used to date while dating someone else is tacky. I personally think it is. And she avoided telling him right off the bat so she knew it could of been a problem otherwise she would not of avoided it.
Not agreeing to make changes in your character or the way you are comfortable with your hair, appearence and body especially for someone you have dated briefly is by no means being combative. Actually to me they seem quite confident because they dont need to change themselves to meet someone elses approval.
As far as the ex thing, she did say it turned out he did not want her to hang out with any males.
I dont see the problem, I have friends from college, some of them I had a relationship with. It was long ago and if they came back to town I would certainly meet with them for lunch or dinner. It is lack of confidence on his part that he cant trust her to have lunch with male friends.
Let's address the points in the article individually...
Request #1: Why don’t you grow your hair longer and stop wearing so much makeup?
Guy offers suggestion, she acts like a *****. End of story. I can't tell you how many times I had girlfriends tell me something similar, and pretty much just expected me to follow through. When I offered resistance, *I* was the one with the problem. Apparently women are allowed to tell men what to wear or how to cut their hair, but men cannot make any comments to women lest they start the oppressive brain-washing.
Request #2: Could you tone down your personality?
If he thought she was loud and annoying, find someone else to date. This comment was pretty stupid, but not "overly controlling". Why do the chick's friends think he was being controlling? He just asked her to quiet down. Yeah, he was a jerk, so what, get over it.
Request #3: Will you cut off all contact with anyone you dated in the past?
She's somewhat evasive then gets pissed about it. Red flags abound. If they're an ex, I don't see the point in contact beyond necessary things, I'm not going to date a woman who is friends with someone they dated. If I was the guy in this situation, I wouldn't have pressed the issue but never talked to her again.
Request #4: Would you try to lose some weight if I paid for it?
Same as point #1. Stop being so f'n hyper-sensitive. I know a guy whose wife told him to his face he was too fat and needed to work out. I'm sure if he had said the same to her (she is in fact fat) there would have been fists thrown. Women need to chill out.
Request #5: How about using a different perfume?
I see no difference between this and #1. At all. None. Well, except for the fact that the woman in question didn't act like a damn freak.
Sounds like these guys are wackos or psychos, ready to control and batter a female very soon that comes into his life now!
If a guy asked me to do any of these it would be....HIT THE ROAD JACK, AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!! It's time to leave his butt!!
If a man can't appreciate who you are and what you look like NOW, then there's not point to stay in the relationship. These are some of the signs of worst things yet to come if you stay with him...I promise you that!
Sounds like these guys are wackos or psychos, ready to control and batter a female very soon that comes into his life now!
If a guy asked me to do any of these it would be....HIT THE ROAD JACK, AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!! It's time to leave his butt!!
That article is about people very early in their dating relationships. That is why it says "things women asked their dates," not "things women asked their boyfriends."
As for this particular "request," here is what the article says:
The guy in question sounds paranoid. He is worried about a person the woman casually dated 7 or 8 years earlier who is in her circle of friends, and he was worried about them in a GROUP situation, to boot.
Not for nothing, but the moment a man I don't know very well starts asking me who, what, when or where, he's out of there. Unlike "Mary," above, I don't see it as being curious. I see it as paternalistic and intrusive.
But, see, unlike Mary, I would not proactively mention upcoming plans with friends if the man had not met them yet and was not also invited. It's impolite and potentially hurtful in that it could make him feel excluded. And if I did have to mention that I had plans, say, if he wanted to go out Friday and I had plans with friends that night, I'd just say, "That's not a good night for me. I'm meeting some buddies for dinner. But if you're free Saturday..."
That's all he needs to know at that point in the romance.
Agreed. If she is going to share...SHARE. The half share seems like deception.
If she really was ok with it why not talk about who all the friends are and share some stories? Obviously they have platonic ones if they are actually platonic. I agree totally that its rude to tell someone of parties or plans and then not invite them. Why is him asking about who her friends are intrusive?
Is he not allowed to get to know her and her friends?
Is he not allowed to get to know her and her friends?
Obviously not. All men are inherently stalkers and rapists. He might decide to show up and gun everyone down, so she better make sure to only meet him in well-lit public places with no contact outside chaperoned dates.
Let's address the points in the article individually...
Request #1: Why don’t you grow your hair longer and stop wearing so much makeup?
Guy offers suggestion, she acts like a *****. End of story. I can't tell you how many times I had girlfriends tell me something similar, and pretty much just expected me to follow through. When I offered resistance, *I* was the one with the problem. Apparently women are allowed to tell men what to wear or how to cut their hair, but men cannot make any comments to women lest they start the oppressive brain-washing.
Request #2: Could you tone down your personality?
If he thought she was loud and annoying, find someone else to date. This comment was pretty stupid, but not "overly controlling". Why do the chick's friends think he was being controlling? He just asked her to quiet down. Yeah, he was a jerk, so what, get over it.
Request #3: Will you cut off all contact with anyone you dated in the past?
She's somewhat evasive then gets pissed about it. Red flags abound. If they're an ex, I don't see the point in contact beyond necessary things, I'm not going to date a woman who is friends with someone they dated. If I was the guy in this situation, I wouldn't have pressed the issue but never talked to her again.
Request #4: Would you try to lose some weight if I paid for it?
Same as point #1. Stop being so f'n hyper-sensitive. I know a guy whose wife told him to his face he was too fat and needed to work out. I'm sure if he had said the same to her (she is in fact fat) there would have been fists thrown. Women need to chill out.
Request #5: How about using a different perfume?
I see no difference between this and #1. At all. None. Well, except for the fact that the woman in question didn't act like a damn freak.
Same thoughts here pretty much.
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