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I'm not sure where to post this, so I'm going to trust the mods to move it to the correct forum if necessary.
About a month ago my mom went to Arizona to attend a family wedding. While there, she and her sister got into a heated argument which resulted in my aunt slapping her. Not long after that my mom called me, upset and not feeling well, to tell me what happened. My initial reaction was one of anger and a loss of respect for my aunt, primarily because I feel that she, as a grown woman, should have been able to control her temper instead of physically hitting someone in the course of an argument. But due to the fact that my mom was crying, and was having trouble telling me all the details which led to the encounter (my mom suffers from PTSD), I decided to withhold judgment in the interest of wanting to find out the other side of the story.
I contacted my cousin to see if she could tell me more about what led my aunt to slap my mom, but she said she wanted to stay out of it and directed me to ask my mom for details. I then contacted my mom's other sister who was present at the wedding, and she likewise stated she didn't want to get involved any deeper than she already was, and thus didn't provide me with any details. I felt my only remaining option was to email my aunt directly (the one who slapped my mom) to ask her to give me her side of the story. She eventually responded and told me what happened from her perspective. Needless to say, there were some minor variations in her story compared to what my mom told me, but she did state she regretted what happened. However, the thing about her response that stood out to me the most was that she claimed my mom slugged her back. THAT'S not something my mom told me. Mom just led me to believe it was my aunt who did the slapping, but said nothing about hitting her back.
So after reading my aunt's version of what happened, I decided the best thing for me to do would me to back away and stay neutral. My brother feels the same way.
Now...my mom, on a couple of occasions, has mentioned the situation in some emails to me. She talks, in general terms, about not knowing how to address the rift this has caused between her and my aunt. Today she mentioned she has had dreams about it, and wonders if she should follow her church deacon's advice about sending my aunt a card to give her holiday greetings and inquire about her well-being, general state of affairs, etc. She claims the family in Arizona has told her that my aunt is remorseful, but Mom wonders why my aunt hasn't contacted her to offer an apology. So she doesn't know if she should forget about what happened and move on, or try to resolve the matter.
My question is this: Now that I know my aunt's side of the story, should I tell my mom what she said in her email to me, about how my mom slugged her back...or should I let it go and stay out of it? It may seem like an easy question to answer, but, as I said above, my mom suffers from PTSD and doesn't always remember what happens in the course of an argument. If she feels she's being attacked, she blanks out and later doesn't recall all the details about what happened. So I don't know if telling her what my aunt said would be helpful or not.
I would keep neutral in it. I think if she wants to remain a part of her sisters life, she should do something.
My family is a close knit one and we have our ups and downs. I think that I could be much closer to my brother today if there wasn't such an argument between myself and his wife back during the time leading up to my mothers death.
I am hard-headed and still think I was right, and this was in the year 2000.
This brother is the sibling I had ALWAYS been closest to, and now we see each other on holidays, funerals, and weddings.
The argument was going to happen, and it was going to be between she and one of us, and it just happened to be me. I was the one that was quiet and never said a peep back then and she really spoke against my mother and myself that day and I wasn't having any more of it.
Whenever I see her, I try and say hello and talk to her and I get a brief hi back and it goes from there.
Leave those two to find their way back to sisterhood. You must be a middle child lol, always trying to fix things...
No, it's just me and my older brother. I'm the baby in the family, and I've witnessed some crap she's been through, so I'm always trying to be protective of her. I pretty much figure I should just stay out of it. But she's bringing it up as though she's looking for my advice. So I don't know. Maybe I should ask my wiser old brother what he thinks I should do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tegota
Wedding fights are awesome!
LMAO!! Two grown women in their 60s fighting like that...? I dunno. Somehow that wasn't quite what I pictured with my mom and aunt. But then again, I wasn't there.
I would keep neutral in it. I think if she wants to remain a part of her sisters life, she should do something.
My family is a close knit one and we have our ups and downs. I think that I could be much closer to my brother today if there wasn't such an argument between myself and his wife back during the time leading up to my mothers death.
I am hard-headed and still think I was right, and this was in the year 2000.
This brother is the sibling I had ALWAYS been closest to, and now we see each other on holidays, funerals, and weddings.
The argument was going to happen, and it was going to be between she and one of us, and it just happened to be me. I was the one that was quiet and never said a peep back then and she really spoke against my mother and myself that day and I wasn't having any more of it.
Whenever I see her, I try and say hello and talk to her and I get a brief hi back and it goes from there.
Our time here is short.
This is a completely different situation tho Pikantari. There is absolutely NO WAY, i'll let some yahoo (be it my bro's wife or sisters husband) come between me and my sibling. You hear that...NO WAY! My family is pretty tight knit like yours and we do have our disagreements but everything sets back to zero the next day..regardless of how heated things get...
ex-girls, friends and my wife still doesnt understand the dynamics of our bond. I think you should pick up the phone and call your brother. Dont let his wife deprive you of your right to relate with him. Bloody evil thing...it baffles me to know that there are people that derive joy from breaking up families...!
No, it's just me and my older brother. I'm the baby in the family, and I've witnessed some crap she's been through, so I'm always trying to be protective of her. I pretty much figure I should just stay out of it. But she's bringing it up as though she's looking for my advice. So I don't know. Maybe I should ask my wiser old brother what he thinks I should do.
Good, i was just taking a cue from the reaction of all your other relatives. They know something about how your mom and sister operate hence the need to stay out of it. You can work on your mom if you like...but the best bet is to just let them figure it out.
If you insist on having them reconnect..then work both sides. Drop hints for your mom of how nice a time you have when your aunt is around and how its sad that things have gone sour....a real shame really..
Then do the same to your aunt...and let her know how disappointed you are in the both of them. And that they arent setting a good example for you and your cousins....you can collaborate with your cousins to get this done... emotional guilt-trip play is usually the quickest fix but i've learned to stay away from these little fights...
This is a completely different situation tho Pikantari. There is absolutely NO WAY, i'll let some yahoo (be it my bro's wife or sisters husband) come between me and my sibling. You hear that...NO WAY! My family is pretty tight knit like yours and we do have our disagreements but everything sets back to zero the next day..regardless of how heated things get...
ex-girls, friends and my wife still doesnt understand the dynamics of our bond. I think you should pick up the phone and call your brother. Dont let his wife deprive you of your right to relate with him. Bloody evil thing...it baffles me to know that there are people that derive joy from breaking up families...!
I have. I do. I feel like I am but a mere acquaintance of his when we talk. It was a bit better back in August when I saw him at a wedding. His daughter has grown to be such a beautiful young woman, coming to me with a great big hug and telling me how much she misses me. This is his daughter, she does not belong to the sil.
My brothers and sisters get holiday cards and pictures of the kids. I do not. I don't really say anything but my sister knows about this and every once in a while goes on a rant over it. Wanting to call her, etc. Other times she says they get along, and she is fun to be around.
We are a very close family, but for this. Sometimes I wonder if it was the luck of the draw that day. If it were someone else, would this be happening to them, or no. Would it just happen if it were me?
For all of these years he(my brother) has really been set apart from the rest of us and it's a terribly hard thing to deal with... I will see him Thursday..
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Somehow that wasn't quite what I pictured with my mom and aunt. But then again, I wasn't there.
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