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Its not like I cannot fight my parents, its just that I want them to be happy. And they will be happy if they find someone through an arranged marriage. They don't have anyone in mind right now for me.
However, after seeing my condition after this entire episode, they have given me complete freedom. They said they will be ok with anyone I chose myself, just don't suppress your emotions and play with your life.
What I am scared of now is that whether this feeling of regret will ever get out of my mind. Initially I was afraid that getting closer to her physically might hurt her more in the end, but now I know that casual physical relationships are not a big deal for her at all. and seeing her getting involved physically with other men, while I am still in deep love with her, was getting extremely painful. We were best friends and she used to share everything with me.
If she is so okay with casual dating and casual sex, do you trust her to be faithful to you and fully committed to your relationship like you would? If you can't honestly answer "yes" to that question with complete faith, then you probably saved yourself some heartache down the route.
Given your parents' past view on dating and marriage, they wouldn't have allowed this relationship to blossom to something more either.
So either way, it would not have worked very well, and it would hurt you even more had you choose that path.
One more thing, I also feel somewhat used during the course of our friendship. Till the last day we met, she kept telling me that she is still in love with me, and I think in the back of my mind I had this feeling that if I want someday, I can give this relationship a try.
But when she rejected me finally, she said she was just saying it and didn't mean it. It took her some time to detach from me, but once she did, she had no feelings for me. If I knew this earlier, I would also have tried to detach myself from her. We used to meet very frequently and I would take her out to dinners and movies, where I was always happy to pay for her (because I know she doesn't make much money). I would even wake up and run to meet her at midnight whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on in times of distress. If I had known that she did not have any feelings for me anymore, I would have made an effort to detach myself from her. But it seems like she deceived me. Maybe she had some anger from initial rejection, which I don't think she ever had to face because she is extremely gorgeous.
It sounds like you were a wonderful friend to her . . . and her reaction to you sounds like she took full advantage of your kindnesses. Sounds like she was never into the whole relationship on the level you were, and yes, it could be she was angry about the way you defined the relationship from the start.
But since you mentioned she is gorgeous, I bet she is used to getting whatever she wants from men . . . and so she was never as serious about you as you were about her. You were someone she needed and took advantage of but obviously, with her feelings about sleeping around . . . she hasn't had the deep feelings for you that you thought you had for her.
Try to get this all in perspective. It hurts so badly now b/c you are feeling the loss, but the truth may be . . . she was never there for you as you were for her. It may not be the loss you FEEL it is right now.
Beware, she sounds like a user and likes to play victim to take advantage of guys so enthralled with her like you are. She knows what she's doing (or says she's doing) is driving you crazy. She's playing you like a fiddle. You don't love her, just jealous and horny.
Also, really love how the other girlfriend you dumped for your parents doesn't get a thought and how quickly you got obsessed with a hot mess.
Maybe you should listen to your parents after all.
Beware, she sounds like a user and likes to play victim to take advantage of guys so enthralled with her like you are. She knows what she's doing (or says she's doing) is driving you crazy. She's playing you like a fiddle. You don't love her, just jealous and horny.
Also, really love how the other girlfriend you dumped for your parents doesn't get a thought and how quickly you got obsessed with a hot mess.
Maybe you should listen to your parents after all.
I would agree that this girl helped me in getting over my ex to some extent. But its not that I dumped her for my parents, I fought for her and got my parents convinced finally. It was her who dumped me saying that she wants someone who is stronger in making independent decisions. I think its a difference in culture because we like to make major family decisions after everyone's consent. But I am still on good terms with my ex and she has been helping me these days with my condition.
I also think that a life-long relationship with the filipino girl probably wouldn't have worked out, but I do miss not spending some good time with her when I had the opportunity, not in a lusty way, but in a loving way. I don't know if its right to say that I am jealous and horny to feel this way.
It sounds like you were a wonderful friend to her . . . and her reaction to you sounds like she took full advantage of your kindnesses. Sounds like she was never into the whole relationship on the level you were, and yes, it could be she was angry about the way you defined the relationship from the start.
But since you mentioned she is gorgeous, I bet she is used to getting whatever she wants from men . . . and so she was never as serious about you as you were about her. You were someone she needed and took advantage of but obviously, with her feelings about sleeping around . . . she hasn't had the deep feelings for you that you thought you had for her.
Try to get this all in perspective. It hurts so badly now b/c you are feeling the loss, but the truth may be . . . she was never there for you as you were for her. It may not be the loss you FEEL it is right now.
Thanks for your help. With time, I am getting more convinced that a life-long relationship with her would have been a wrong decision. But still I wish I had given it a try.
a) She's hot
b) You miss her companionship because she is in another country now
c) You want what you can't have (she rejected you)
d) Rebound relationship
I'm confused as to why you are so hung up about this girl, if you parents are now letting you pick, why not try to get back together with your ex-girlfriend? It seems like you are putting yourself into a depression over a girl who rejected you vs. someone you had a serious relationship with.
Its not like I cannot fight my parents, its just that I want them to be happy
Even when their choices make YOU miserable?
Live your life for YOU, not anyone els, especially your parents. You will allow them to choose who you marry? You're in for a lifetime of agony with that one.
Sorry for the long story, but I think the details are required to express my feelings.
I broke up with my first and only girlfriend around 10 months ago. The reason was that I am Indian and she is american, and my parents weren't approving it and she turned bitter about this. Right after this, my friend introduced me to a Filipino girl for dating. But after my first experience I had decided not to date as I did not want to hurt someone again. So on the second date I told her that we should not meet since my parents won't approve this. But she somehow got attached already and kept calling and meeting me for another month. She even said that she can 'just date', but looking at how attached she already was, I did not want to risk it just for my pleasure. Ultimately she agreed not to give this a try. I did all this while I myself liked this girl a lot, but had to sacrifice my happiness and desires for my parents' wishes and her safety. I never tried to take advantage of her during these 1.5 months.
After this she kept on meeting as friends for the next 7 months. We used to meet around once or twice every week. During this period I encouraged her for a relationship with an old friend and also introduced her to one of my Filipino friends as I saw long term potential there. I would have been happy to see her with someone who would take care of her for life.
During these 7 months, I also figured out that casual dating was very normal for her. She used to date multiple guys simultaneously and I started regretting the fact that I didn't date her for a couple of months initially. It wouldn't have been a big deal for her given her past. And it would have made me happy since I always found her extremely adorable and had a strong desire to love her, not in a dirty way, but in a loving way.
Towards the end of these 7 months, she once visited NY and expressed to me her interest in a guy she met there. She told me that she was only interested in sleeping with him. She also planned a month long trip to Philippines and told me that she will have 'fun' with an old friend while she is there. For some reason, these things started haunting me and I started losing sleep. I started regretting not spending some good time with her initially as sleeping with someone was not a big deal to her at all. And I never even tried to kiss her. So I finally decided to break this friendship. I called her to meet for one last time, but she didn't show up. This made me somewhat angry and I was a little rude to her the next day we met. She told me that a guy from her store (where she works) was stalking her and she went out with him to tell him that she is not interested in him. That guy was fired from the store for stealing and had been to jail several times in the past.
Once I broke off our friendship, she went to this guy for support. She dated him for the 2 weeks she had before going to Philippines. On the last day she told him that she won't meet him ever again. Apparently he had fallen in love and wanted to continue this relationship. So he tried to make her pregnant by deceiving her and didn't tell her until the next day. She had to visit a hospital, but got it all fixed. (She told me all this later)
But I went into depression right after I broke off our friendship. I realized how much I loved her and regretted not giving it a chance initially. So I contacted her again and expressed my love and desire to go against my culture for her. She rejected me and said she will send me a message next day when she will reach Philippines. I heard from her only after 2 weeks when she told me that the way I initially rejected her without giving her a chance was very hurtful to her and she had decided not to give me a chance ever again. She also said that she has grown mistrust for men after the guy from her store tried to make her pregnant and thus she won't date anyone for a long time. (This turned out to be a lie as she got into a relationship with in a week of reaching Philippines. She later admitted to lying saying that she did it so that I won't feel bad. She said he loves her a lot and she is going to throw away this life of sleeping around with men)
Now, after all this, I have this feeling of regret of not exploring this relationship in the very beginning. I loved her a lot from the very beginning, found her so adorable that whenever I saw her, I wanted to hug her and kiss her. But I never tried to get physically close to her, fearing that this will strengthen her attachment to me and she will be hurt when I will have to break up due to parental pressure. Everything I did from the very first day was for her happiness and I suppressed my feelings for 9 months. But she went and slept with a criminal right after that and also had other plans to sleep with friends. All these thoughts of her sleeping around with men just for pleasure makes me insane, specially because I never got that love from her. I had no problems with her being in a serious long-term relationship with anyone. I know that its her life and we were not dating, so she can do whatever she wants, but for some reason these thoughts are extremely painful to me.
It has been over a month that I am dealing with this and it is very hard to eat, sleep or work.
I need help in justifying my actions and making my mind believe that whatever I did was the correct decision for myself.
Thanks in advance for help
Good rule of thumb: The longer it takes to explain the problem in the OP, the more unsalvageable the situation is.
a) She's hot
b) You miss her companionship because she is in another country now
c) You want what you can't have (she rejected you)
d) Rebound relationship
I'm confused as to why you are so hung up about this girl, if you parents are now letting you pick, why not try to get back together with your ex-girlfriend? It seems like you are putting yourself into a depression over a girl who rejected you vs. someone you had a serious relationship with.
I have regrets now because I did not date her initially thinking that getting closer to her physically will probably shatter her more when I will have to break-up. So I suppressed my feelings for 9 months even when I think she is the most adorable thing in the world and would have loved to get closer to her physically. But now I can see that getting physical with someone is not a big deal for her at all. She gives this pleasure to pretty much anyone, even people who just want to have fun with her for a few days and then forget about it. This is what disturbs me immensely, specially when I never got that happiness from her. I had no problems when she was dating someone seriously, I would have loved to see her with someone who would take care of her for life.
a) Yes, she is very hot (I find her more cute) and maybe that is a part of the problem, maybe that is one of the reasons why I fell for her.
b) I do miss her companionship, but its not something so serious that will make me so depressed. Its the thought of her sleeping around for fun with men who don't care for her. She told me that she feels no emotional attachment to these guys and do it just for fun. But when she is lonely at the end of the day she would come to me because she feels emotionally close to me.
c) This is one major reason. She was crazy over me for 1.5 months, but I rejected her. Now that I feel such a deep love for her, she has rejected me and I have the regret of not making a move initially.
d) there is no rebound. I am on good terms with my ex, but we are just friends now. We figured out long time back that we are not compatible. Anyway, it was her who broke up the relationship, so if she comes back I can maybe think about it. But I am not considering it from my side at all.
Live your life for YOU, not anyone els, especially your parents. You will allow them to choose who you marry? You're in for a lifetime of agony with that one.
I have realized this now and will follow my heart from now on. But it seems like its already too late
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