Help me, help me please!!!!! (how to, marriage, woman, love)

[whatalady]

Okay here's my situation.
I have been in a long term relationship for 12yrs. We have 3boys and 1 one due in Dec. I am a stay at home mom, I home school my oldest son. I have very little income. Just enough to pay my bills, barely, from disability. I told my partner yesterday that I will be leaving after the baby is born. I've had enough of the crap he's put me through over the years. Yes, yes I know why more kids......N E who....
I have tried to work it out and try different things but he just puts them down from the beginning. This is not the first time I threatened to leave. Every time like clockwork he says he'll do better, he doesn't want us to separate, he doesn't want to be away from the kids, he'll "show" me he will try hard etc....
Hook,line and sinker I always fell for it. Because I do love him and want all things in life to be experienced with him and of course the children.
I am done hearing his lies, and I know that just like always if I stay, he will do well for 2wks max then resort to his old behavior.

Let me try to paint a better picture of why I am leaving: (in no particular order)
he's addicted to buying and selling on e bay. I mean a true addiction.

he argues about spending at least 4hrs daily with me and the kids.

unwillingness to solve a conflict unless he feels threatened with me leaving

dishonesty

Not willing to help out financially

The constant emotional stress he puts me through, then apologizes later as if that erases the hurt

lack of trust (no cheating)

Constant arguing in front of the kids. both our faults
selfish

He always sounds so convincing when he says "one more chance, you'll see"
I was going to say okay, but I checked one of his bank accounts he uses strictly for ebay and lo and behold he had a pay pal deposit of $2,000 on the 13th and he withdrew it the next day! Uh, where's that money???? He never mentioned this at all. Here I am with $46 dollars to last the whole month, every month and he has $700 left after paying bills plus whatever he makes on ebay. Which is pretty good money. I have brought to his attention that I need help paying the bills and he called me money hungry, saying everything is about the money with you and said maybe I can give you $100 dollars a month. Although I knew he could do more I said fine and didn't argue. Needless to say no money. I never ask him for money except that one time. I was usually the bread winner. Paying for everything. now that he makes more money I still pay for everything. No exaggeration.

I can't tell him I know about the $2,000 but I want to so bad. To show him his dishonesty. He used to have a gambling addiction and I still don't trust him to go gambling.
My birthday is coming up and he asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to stay off e-bay for a month. Oh boy was that the wrong thing to ask for! So I said 2 weeks. Nope. You would have thought I was asking him to go without food and water! I got called all kinds of crazies. But, whatever.....

I need some words of encouragement that I'm doing the right thing. I really struggle with what's best for the children. I have stayed so many times for their sake. Now, I think it is worse to stay and have them witness the constant arguing and bickering. I have all boys. It is important that they see how a relationship is supposed to be. Right now they don't know any different. I don't want them to inherently treat their spouses the way their father treats me or to think its ok to be in a relationship where there is constant arguing and bickering.
I don't know how I am going to make it, or where I am going to live but I know I can't stay here.

Oh yeah, he snores. We haven't slept in the same bed for 2yrs. I recently asked him to lose 10 lbs so he would stop snoring and we could sleep together again. At first he said okay. But made no effort. Then it was" I didn't think you were serious". Now it's "you think I'm ugly, why don't you lose some weight".
Well, his snoring is due to his weight and so is his diabetes. He is not ugly, yes overweight but not grotesque at all. Not sloppy fat. I kept telling him he could drop that in a week with some effort, but he won't even do just a little bit. which in my mind means he could care less about sleeping in the same bed as me.

[MainStreet]

My best friend (Hi Missy if you are reading this) was married to a man that sounds like he could have been you're man's twin.

He secretly spent $12,000 inheritance on sex, drugs, and alcohol. He didn't repair their furnace and risked burning them and their two kids to the ground. He didn't repair her car and she and kids had no transportation for years. He didn't replace or repair the refrigerator and they lived out of a Coleman ice chest for months. Meanwhile he's running around, eating out, spending money on himself and telling her that he was "working."

Finally, she kicked him out (three years ago). Without going into details...there are plenty of resources out there for mom's and kids.

Curious...his he the children of any of these children....and he's not helping out financially?

Look closely...I think that might be an "L" tattooed on his forehead.

Oh and there is a hundred things more wrong with him than being fat....he sounds like he's a socio.

[whatalady]

yes, he's the father.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by whatalady

yes, he's the father.

You're the mother of his children and you and his kids are "worth" only $100 a month? Honey, that is more than just wrong...you are letting him abuse you and the kids.

Attention everyone! Man gets an entire family for the bargin basement price of only $1200.00 a year!"

{let's listen in and find out how this man got so lucky!}

Me: "So buddy, you get an entire family for only $1200 a year. What do you get for that money?"

Loser: "I get a woman to wait on me and leave me alone to do whatever I want. I spend freely on my hobbies and she lets me!"

Me: "Wow...that's a bargin. You must be so happy. What an American, what a dad, what a husband...you must be so proud. By the way...I see that you have a computer chair duct taped to your a$$...that must get in the way when you play catch with your children."

[whatalady]

Thanks for making me laugh! I never thought of it that way.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by whatalady

Thanks for making me laugh! I never thought of it that way.

Look at it this way. Mothers are the most important people in society. None of us would be here without one. You are the most valuable resource to your children. You are priceless. Right now, your man is basically paying you .12 (yes, 12 cents) an hour.

I was married to a man who had so many expensive toys. A race car, ATVs, motorcycles, guitars, expensive stereo equipment; he hardly used any of it. I worked 16 hour days and only owned one bra in 13 years. We couldn't afford to put curtains on the windows. He just dropped 3000 on a motorcycle and we have a daughter going to college in two years.

I divorced my man/boy and your's sounds like he is not an asset, but a major liability to you and your children.

Men who substitute family harmony for anything internet related; porn addiction, auction addiction, gambling addiction; are as big a liability to family harmony as that huge indent I imagine you have on your couch this morning.

When you put "things" over people....well, I just have to shake my head.

[rockky]

whatalady, You sound like a very intelligent woman. You will survive and thrive. Do you have *any* support from family or friends at this point?

I go by the 3 A's rule. There are the three reasons to end a relationship.....Adultery, Abuse, Addiction.

It sounds as if you are living with two of the three, with no consistent change or effort to improve the situation for both of you or the kids.

You can't make him change. Your power is in changing the situation in your best interest. Which will, of course, make things better for your boys.

You are in a tough place. Keep posting or start a journal. It may help you to get things in writing rather than floating around in your head.

btw, MainStreet....excellent portrayal there! And with humor...very good!!!

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by rockky

whatalady, You sound like a very intelligent woman. You will survive and thrive. Do you have *any* support from family or friends at this point?

I go by the 3 A's rule. There are the three reasons to end a relationship.....Adultery, Abuse, Addiction.

It sounds as if you are living with two of the three, with no consistent change or effort to improve the situation for both of you or the kids.

You can't make him change. Your power is in changing the situation in your best interest. Which will, of course, make things better for your boys.

You are in a tough place. Keep posting or start a journal. It may help you to get things in writing rather than floating around in your head.

btw, MainStreet....excellent portrayal there! And with humor...very good!!!

Thanks Rocky. I was once told that I've had enough trauma and misfortune in my life that would make most people not get out of bed. I've been gifted this sense of humor and need to get out of bed to live more, laugh more. That bad ex-husband of my friend...we laugh about him almost everyday!

The journal is a great suggestion. I have five years of bad marriage in 4 binders and occasionally visit them. I can't believe what I put up with. Feels good to compare my life now with that strange trip of a marriage all those years ago.

[whatalady]

Sad to say but I have no friends. Not even one. I just got over riping my dad a new one. However, he's the only one who could help me. So, looks like i'll have to put my tail between my legs and ask for his help because i'll need it. My mom and sisters can offer emotional support but that's about it. I've had journals throughout the years, which he read of course, all have pretty much the same things in them. Just proves to me nothings changed or will ever change. My greatest concern at this point is how to support us. It's frustrating that I have to wait 4 months to get back into the workforce.

[DareToDream]

Whatalady - Like others have said, it sounds like you need to pull the plug on your relationship, as hard as it will be for you financially especially.

First of all, do you rent or own where you are living? If you rent, are you both on the lease? Most states have a tenants rights site you can go to - you are already used to the expenses where you are, so if at all possible, have him leave - you're footing the bills anyway and will have one less mouth to feed, at least for awhile.

Second, he is going to have to pay child support. I don't know if you live in a city or are in a rural area, maybe there's a lawyer you could find who would do it "pro bono" or your local social services in your area could help you with this (most hospitals have social workers and you could contact a hospital social worker for some info).

It's not going to be easy, but for the sake of yourself and your children, it's time to make the break. He's not going to change.....just my 2 cents