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Let me rephrase, I know and can quantify the additional time that I spend with her. How she feels about it...well it isn't enough still...at least that is what she tells me. I'm doing the best I can but I have to have some me time as well...just as anyone could. I don't see how this relates to trusting me and compromising with me though.
Having lived alone for most of my adult life and tending to be almost pathological in my independence, I suspect that maybe she is having trouble ceding control over things she previously handled for herself. It could just be a subconscious effort to maintain her control, autonomy and individuality. I'd say it's worth checking in with a marriage counselor over this. Does she have control issues in other areas of her life? I've found that they are kind of common with medical professionals, personally.
I'd say you shouldn't take this personally AT ALL. This is her issue. Your main concern should be on whether she is going to work on it or not. If not, then you have to consider what your next step is - do you accept her behavior as the price of admission or move on?
Are you able to access the financial accounts and records? That's the only thing that would be "nefarious" about her actions - if she doesn't give you access to those things, that's a HUGE red flag.
Having lived alone for most of my adult life and tending to be almost pathological in my independence, I suspect that maybe she is having trouble ceding control over things she previously handled for herself. It could just be a subconscious effort to maintain her control, autonomy and individuality. I'd say it's worth checking in with a marriage counselor over this. Does she have control issues in other areas of her life? I've found that they are kind of common with medical professionals, personally.
I'd say you shouldn't take this personally AT ALL. This is her issue. Your main concern should be on whether she is going to work on it or not. If not, then you have to consider what your next step is - do you accept her behavior as the price of admission or move on?
Are you able to access the financial accounts and records? That's the only thing that would be "nefarious" about her actions - if she doesn't give you access to those things, that's a HUGE red flag.
She does tend to be controlling. Wasn't anything I noticed before we moved in together except with regard to her younger sister who she seems to try and be a bossy "parent" to in addition to her parents themselves. She bought the house without me (during a brief breakup during our relationship) and so she was independent for a while with just a roommate...but by and large she has always been needy for the most part which is why it seems like a strange turn. She also tends to be very OCD about things that seem like a general waste of time. Like the kitchen and the bathroom...once they are obsessively cleaned if I get something on the counters in the bathroom or if she swipes the counters in the kitchen and feels tiny crumbs (the counters are hard to see stuff on) she makes sure to let me know about it. I'm clean and a minimalist so I can appreciate her extreme care and cleanliness but there are times it goes overboard but by and large I have made conscious efforts to just comply with the little things...until it goes unnoticed lol.
Maybe she figures since you spend so much time on it that you must be doing something wrong.
Seriously, my wife is sometimes the same way. Experience has taught me that, at least in my experience, it's more a syptom of control issues than an intentional show of disrespect for my intelligence and abilities. From your followup post I suspect that you may be in the same situation.
Let me rephrase, I know and can quantify the additional time that I spend with her. How she feels about it...well it isn't enough still...at least that is what she tells me. I'm doing the best I can but I have to have some me time as well...just as anyone could. I don't see how this relates to trusting me and compromising with me though.
Because she doesn't want to give you more opportunity to neglect her by taking on these duties.
It is interesting that you know she is unhappy with the amount of attention you give her, but you just shrug. Attention is obviously one of her top emotional needs, and you seem to be unwilling to figure out how to meet it. Your marriage is going to be a tough one if you both do not learn how to give to each other.
She does tend to be controlling. Wasn't anything I noticed before we moved in together except with regard to her younger sister who she seems to try and be a bossy "parent" to in addition to her parents themselves. She bought the house without me (during a brief breakup during our relationship) and so she was independent for a while with just a roommate...but by and large she has always been needy for the most part which is why it seems like a strange turn. She also tends to be very OCD about things that seem like a general waste of time. Like the kitchen and the bathroom...once they are obsessively cleaned if I get something on the counters in the bathroom or if she swipes the counters in the kitchen and feels tiny crumbs (the counters are hard to see stuff on) she makes sure to let me know about it. I'm clean and a minimalist so I can appreciate her extreme care and cleanliness but there are times it goes overboard but by and large I have made conscious efforts to just comply with the little things...until it goes unnoticed lol.
Get thee to a marriage counselor! And encourage her to get therapy. What you're seeing is an outgrowth of her OCD - she can't help it (at least not unless she understands how it works). A third party might be able to put this into perspective.
It could be very easy to fix - I have very mild OCD as an outgrowth of my ADD, and I can keep it under control fairly easily by just taking a minute to consider the rationality of what I'm doing. Like, do I really have to check the stove for the third time before I leave the house?
Don't let her OCD rule your lives - she needs to recognize the irrationality of some of her behaviors and work on what can turn into a debilitating problem. YOu and the marriage should not suffer for her very treatable disability.
Second guessing a guy in front of his face like that is the female equivalent of telling a woman that "Yes, those pants DO make you look fat." when she asks.
Get thee to a marriage counselor! And encourage her to get therapy. What you're seeing is an outgrowth of her OCD - she can't help it (at least not unless she understands how it works). A third party might be able to put this into perspective.
It could be very easy to fix - I have very mild OCD as an outgrowth of my ADD, and I can keep it under control fairly easily by just taking a minute to consider the rationality of what I'm doing. Like, do I really have to check the stove for the third time before I leave the house?
Don't let her OCD rule your lives - she needs to recognize the irrationality of some of her behaviors and work on what can turn into a debilitating problem. YOu and the marriage should not suffer for her very treatabledisability.
Having a partner with OCD, or OCD tendencies, can be very demoralizing to a spouse. My friends were always envious because my husband did all of the laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning around the house. But he actually did it because he felt that I didn't do it well enough for him. Heck, I had been doing my own laundry for years before we were married and suddenly I wasn't capable of doing it? We managed to compromize on most things like grocery shopping and cleaning but we have been married for 35 years and I still have to ask his permission to use the washer and dryer. I have learned to not let it bother me but it is still pretty annoying..
I would suggest marriage counseling to get some of these things worked out now before they become even more of a problem. You need to especially work together on finances and bill paying.
Curious if this is a weird problem or if should suck it up as a typical woman thing. Only been married 6.5 months...figured y'all know more.
I've got thousands and thousands of hours each in car wrenching, computers and personal financial strategy (all areas that affect the daily life of modern folks) yet my wife doesn't trust me in these areas when it comes to answering her questions, solving the problems she comes to me with or in making decisions for our houshold in these areas.
She's an RN...I let her handle the medical stuff and I know she knows what she is talking about and leave it to her. All of my friends/family/coworkers come to me as a trusted source yet I am having trouble managing these aspects of our household. Almost like a trust issue it feels like. She has no reason not to trust me in general (100% faithful) with the possible exception that I broke up with her once or twice during our super long 9 year dating phase.
This might seem like an odd thing to be concerned about but since these things took and take up the vast majority of my thoughts and free-time as hobbies...it feels a little hurtful that my own wife thinks I blow a lot of hot air or something...
Take her car, computer, and a $100 bill apart and then put them back together. That'll show her.
[kidding...I suggest having a discussion with her about why she doesn't trust your knowledge/skills]
She does tend to be controlling. Wasn't anything I noticed before we moved in together except with regard to her younger sister who she seems to try and be a bossy "parent" to in addition to her parents themselves. She bought the house without me (during a brief breakup during our relationship) and so she was independent for a while with just a roommate...but by and large she has always been needy for the most part which is why it seems like a strange turn. She also tends to be very OCD about things that seem like a general waste of time. Like the kitchen and the bathroom...once they are obsessively cleaned if I get something on the counters in the bathroom or if she swipes the counters in the kitchen and feels tiny crumbs (the counters are hard to see stuff on) she makes sure to let me know about it. I'm clean and a minimalist so I can appreciate her extreme care and cleanliness but there are times it goes overboard but by and large I have made conscious efforts to just comply with the little things...until it goes unnoticed lol.
Honestly, it does sound a little strange. It sounds like she's having an identity crisis or something similar. Her method of handling your bills is also odd. Since it's only been six months, I think you need to have a serious discussion with her and insist that you be included in these decisions. Marriage is tough and requires negotiation and very careful diplomacy. You might need to read a bit on how to frame your questions and discuss your concerns in a way that will prevent her from becoming defensive.
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