Weird scenario...wife doesn't trust or respect my fields of expertise
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could be her... or it could be you. i know plenty of guys who think they're good at those specific topics -- fixing cars, personal finance, and computers -- but in reality, their inability to see their own limitations makes them uniquely bad at these things.
...I know this is a little late to the thread (a few months), but I came across the message and had to give my 2 cents in case someone else comes across this thread. I think the key ingredient that you're skipping over is your quote:
"She does tend to be controlling. Wasn't anything I noticed before we moved in together except with regard to her younger sister who she seems to try and be a bossy "parent" to in addition to her parents themselves. She bought the house without me (during a brief breakup during our relationship) and so she was independent for a while with just a roommate..."
So you were together, and broke up long enough and serious enough for her to buy a HOUSE? That for me is the massive sign: she can't trust that you won't do it again.
I've been in a very long relationship like this before, from her point of view, and I can't help but think she's got a somewhat subconscious 'backup plan' going on at all times. If you flake out, screw up, leave her out to dry again --- she has to know she can carry on with the main activities (finances, transportation to work, communication [computer], etc.).
Why? Because in her mind, she might feel like at a really fundamental level, she doesn't trust you won't leave her. She probably wants to, and consciously knows that the you of *today* won't, but that same woman years back might've trusted you and you left.
...I'm not saying she's right. I'm not saying you haven't tried to show her you won't do this again. I'm not saying she's justified. I'm just explaining what looks like a classic sign of what I went through for years, and discovered later. Oh, and the OCD? It would be interesting to note how she *really* is if she lived alone, or you were gone for 2-weeks. My guess is things would be more relaxing on that front. OCD often shows up as an indirect way of having control of the uncontrollable (i.e. YOU, and your impact on her life).
My advice? Slowly, do daily / weekly / monthly things to *show* you are in for the long haul. Getting married is huge in terms of a 'you can trust me' message -- but a country-wide 50% divorce rate doesn't baud well in her subconscious. Do things that show YOU are GOING THERE FIRST.
My only caveat, and self-preservation advice for you personally: get the financial side to be a joint effort.
Second guessing a guy in front of his face like that is the female equivalent of telling a woman that "Yes, those pants DO make you look fat." when she asks.
Then she ought not ask if she can't accept the truth. Maybe she should buy pants that don't make her look fat if she isn't fat. If she is fat, the solution is self-explanatory. If looking fat bothers her she should do what it takes to not look fat.
I used to do this with my husband when we first got married. I still went to my dad for advice on certain areas.
I grew out of it though as we learned to live and function together, and I ENJOY not being the boss of everything.
I know this thread is older, but I still like Zentropa's original take on this issue. This is the kind of thing you don't know about when you're engaged but can drive you crazy over time.
Because she doesn't want to give you more opportunity to neglect her by taking on these duties.
It is interesting that you know she is unhappy with the amount of attention you give her, but you just shrug. Attention is obviously one of her top emotional needs, and you seem to be unwilling to figure out how to meet it. Your marriage is going to be a tough one if you both do not learn how to give to each other.
This, and your previous posts could be exactly why she doesn't "trust"or "respect" what he does....I think you've hit the nail on the head zentropa.
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