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There have been probably 200 threads on this Forum about women hysterical that their husband is watching porn. Then dozens of replies, "Divorce him! This is cheating!" In this thread alone, somone made the ridiculous and fallacious analogy that "serial killers start out killing small animals, cheaters start out watching porn!"
Now, for the OP: your husband is a jerk. Demanding the boob job is a helluva lot more indicative of a problem than watching porn. But you have to stop relying on another human being for your own self worth. Because he's addicted to porn doesn't reflect on you, it reflects on HIM. And his laziness is yet another deal breaker.
The title of the thread is not really accurate. This couples problems is far from him just watching porn.
Too bad he won't come on here and discuss his issues and his side of the story.
Yeah I overlooked many many serious issues when I decided to marry him, just like what you said. I thought marriage was just like any ordinary romance, it was about making each other smile and having a good time together, but I overlooked the seriousness of infidelity and the other spouse's ability to contribute to the family.
I've been very easily irritated lately by him, even prior to me finding out the porn. The ONLY reason I snooped his computer was because I thought to myself "was he hooking up women online or watching porn all day? there's no way in hell he could not finish any job at any given day." Sure enough, I was right...
I could support myself, but I'd also like to have a husband who contributes SOMETHING to the family. But every time I bring it up that he should be seriously working because I have such expectations for a man, he says "too bad you brought yourself into this."
I've given lots of thoughts on the porn - I think deep down he is hiding something from me, or maybe from everybody. He might have extreme low self esteem, thus extremely controlling. It's really hard for me to see the whole picture when I'm the one who's in it.
Time to stop making this about the porn and instead explain why you have been so easily irritated with him. You are using porn as an easy out so you can avoid examining the big picture. That's why you are giving so much though to it - it is easy.
Step back in your mind for a moment, forget about the porn, and explain why you have been so irritated lately. Also explain how you have expressed this irritation to him and/or others in your life.
I wanted to do something, just don't know what to do - lots of people on here are telling to give up and get a divorce.
I just went through a divorce after a 35 year marriage, that should be your last option.
Since he won't go, YOU go to a counselor and talk. That is step 1. You may end up divorced but try other options 1st and give it a shot. You need someone with the wisdom who can guide you down the right path and make the right decisions.
Divorce is extremely difficult and hurts. You and he need professional help, without it divorce is your only option.
I wanted to do something, just don't know what to do - lots of people on here are telling to give up and get a divorce.
My husband said I "****ed myself up" by asking questions. When I found out the porn addiction, I tried to sit down with him, be as calm as I can, and asked him "Are you not satisfied with me sexually? Or is there any part of me that turns you off?" --that's where he said the whole breast augmentation thing.
Now he's blaming on me that I feel hurt and he thinks I shouldn't be.
But of course he is! Didn't some of us tell you he would do that??
People like your husband are adept at distracting their loved ones with accusations like the ones above to deflect attention away from themselves.
Since you are reluctant to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, make an appt with a therapist specializing in addiction, particularly porn addiction, for yourself.
Go and let them tell you the facts on these kinds of situations.
Let them advise you as to how to proceed.
The therapist will tell you a lot of what people here have said, but you'll feel better hearing it from a professional.
The main thing is to DO something.
If you let fear and inertia keep you from action, you have no one else to blame for your unhappiness.
This is your life - you are the only one who can live it. I hope you'll choose to live it well and with a healthy partner.
The title of the thread is not really accurate. This couples problems is far from him just watching porn.
Too bad he won't come on here and discuss his issues and his side of the story.
He won't discuss anything with anyone. He said, "all I want the outside world to know is that I married an attractive successful woman. I don't want to discuss any problems with anyone, because nobody needs to know." While I agree we shouldn't go out and talk about our problems with friends everyday, he wouldn't let me talk about ANY of our problem to ANYBODY, and he thinks everything is caused by me - because I snooped, because I don't smile in front of him anymore, because I reacted negatively to some of his comments, because I didn't support him the way he wanted to.
He left home last night because he was pissed off. I don't know where he is, and I tried to call him. When he finally picked up (just now), he screamed on the phone because I told him to get a penis enlargement surgery yesterday. He said "you ****ed yourself up if you are not feeling adequate as a woman now. You asked me if I'm satisfied with you and I gave you the honest answer by being as polite as possible (referring to ask for breasts augmentation). THen you started to attack my manhood - you are the most disgusting and abusive ***** I've ever met!" Then he hung up.
I don't know where he is, and what is he going to do.
I'm just feeling hopeless. What is hurting the most is he wouldn't apologize for hurting me, but blaming it on me because I "asked for it".
I just went through a divorce after a 35 year marriage, that should be your last option.
Since he won't go, YOU go to a counselor and talk. That is step 1. You may end up divorced but try other options 1st and give it a shot. You need someone with the wisdom who can guide you down the right path and make the right decisions.
Divorce is extremely difficult and hurts. You and he need professional help, without it divorce is your only option.
Agreed but I dont think that a divorce after 35yrs is the same as a divorce after a few months.
An annulment would be very wise. If there is this much baggage this early on, the relationship is doomed from the start.
But of course he is! Didn't some of us tell you he would do that??
People like your husband are adept at distracting their loved ones with accusations like the ones above to deflect attention away from themselves.
Since you are reluctant to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, make an appt with a therapist specializing in addiction, particularly porn addiction, for yourself.
Go and let them tell you the facts on these kinds of situations.
Let them advise you as to how to proceed.
The therapist will tell you a lot of what people here have said, but you'll feel better hearing it from a professional.
The main thing is to DO something.
If you let fear and inertia keep you from action, you have no one else to blame for your unhappiness.
I know ...I already made an appointment to see a counselor this coming Tuesday. I'm just feeling so hurt and afraid right now, don't even know what to do.
I can't go talk to anybody about my feelings because my husband will flip out if he finds out I've talked about this with anyone.
I appreciate everybody contributing their thoughts on C-D. But I really wish I could just go talk to someone in person. I can't handle it anymore
I know ...I already made an appointment to see a counselor this coming Tuesday. I'm just feeling so hurt and afraid right now, don't even know what to do.
I can't go talk to anybody about my feelings because my husband will flip out if he finds out I've talked about this with anyone.
I appreciate everybody contributing their thoughts on C-D. But I really wish I could just go talk to someone in person. I can't handle it anymore
Good for you for making that appointment!
It's only Saturday though and Tuesday must feel a long way off
I don't agree that you can't talk to anyone.
You have the right to the comfort and support of a close friend in a time like this.
The fact your husband would "flip out" if he knew is just more proof of how much he has to hide and how much he is trying to manipulate you.
Don't fall for it.
If you have a close friend or family member you can trust, CALL THEM NOW.
He won't discuss anything with anyone. He said, "all I want the outside world to know is that I married an attractive successful woman. I don't want to discuss any problems with anyone, because nobody needs to know." While I agree we shouldn't go out and talk about our problems with friends everyday, he wouldn't let me talk about ANY of our problem to ANYBODY, and he thinks everything is caused by me - because I snooped, because I don't smile in front of him anymore, because I reacted negatively to some of his comments, because I didn't support him the way he wanted to.
He left home last night because he was pissed off. I don't know where he is, and I tried to call him. When he finally picked up (just now), he screamed on the phone because I told him to get a penis enlargement surgery yesterday. He said "you ****ed yourself up if you are not feeling adequate as a woman now. You asked me if I'm satisfied with you and I gave you the honest answer by being as polite as possible (referring to ask for breasts augmentation). THen you started to attack my manhood - you are the most disgusting and abusive ***** I've ever met!" Then he hung up.
I don't know where he is, and what is he going to do.
I'm just feeling hopeless. What is hurting the most is he wouldn't apologize for hurting me, but blaming it on me because I "asked for it".
Why on earth did you tell him to get penis enlargement surgery?
Attacking a guy's manhood is pretty much sounding the death knell of your marriage. Since you haven't explained why you were so mad at him prior to checking his laptop, I am sticking to my original guess that you resent him for being unemployed, and that being unemployed makes him feel emasculated. Now you've told him his penis is inadequate? I hope you didn't say that to him out of revenge about your breasts. Earlier on this thread you made it seem as though he told you to get a boob job out of the blue, but this quote reveals you specifically asked him if he was satisfied with the way your body looks. The question was a trap, there was only one right answer in your mind. Never ask a question if you can't handle certain answers.
It's only Saturday though and Tuesday must feel a long way off
I don't agree that you can't talk to anyone.
You have the right to the comfort and support of a close friend in a time like this.
The fact your husband would "flip out" if he knew is just more proof of how much he has to hide and how much he is trying to manipulate you.
Don't fall for it.
If you have a close friend or family member you can trust, CALL THEM NOW.
I don't think this is true at all, the man is ashamed/embarrassed and does not like the idea of her discussing his sexual inadequacies and other personal (financial) problems with friends and family. He is right to feel that way: this is a marriage, not a shack up situation; sharing this stuff with friends will come back to haunt them later should this marriage survive.
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