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Well, I do think it's obvious that the anger was there at him not pulling his weight economically and doing the lame "I'm gonna work from home because working for others just isn't my thing" story and then it becoming apparent after a couple of months that no work was actually being done at home. Then she's criticized for her housekeeping, etc., from someone who is sitting home on his ass--watching porn all day while she goes out to work.
I've been there. It generates anger, and telling yourself to be understanding to the poor wittle man who is feeling emasculated because his wife is the breadwinner just drags out the inevitable facing of the fact that he's a lazy mofo who is using her.
My wife was in a prior marriage like this too (and like the one C21 is facing).
In my wife's case, the man she married started a "home business." Had her buy him a computer to get going, and co-sign for a HELOC on a jointly owned rental property to the tune of $50K to get it going. A year later, the money was spent on toys (TV's, a truck, etc), he was doing any business, had no job, would not even help out around the house why he sat all day. She was working OT killing herself just to keep up with the bills.
He played all the emotional mind games too. Accused her of being controlling, etc, whenever she voiced a concern complaint. Going through this, she had herself convinced she was the one going crazy. It was him.
She finally found it within herself to file a divorce. After two and a half years of that, and getting pregnant!
To top it off, after the divorce had started, she found out that he was cheating on her too... and when she moved out, he moved in his pregnant mistress!
C21 may not be in the same exact situation, but sure sounds like her husband is acting the same way.
Love and marriage is about being supportive and giving. Not accusations, manipulations, and control.
MQ, your right, the OP needs to be getting her ducks in a row to end this marriage. I am not saying it is definately over, but it is certainly heading the wrong way fast! I wonder if annulment is possible in her state?
Well, I do think it's obvious that the anger was there at him not pulling his weight economically and doing the lame "I'm gonna work from home because working for others just isn't my thing" story and then it becoming apparent after a couple of months that no work was actually being done at home. Then she's criticized for her housekeeping, etc., from someone who is sitting home on his ass--watching porn all day while she goes out to work.
I've been there. It generates anger, and telling yourself to be understanding to the poor wittle man who is feeling emasculated because his wife is the breadwinner just drags out the inevitable facing of the fact that he's a lazy mofo who is using her.
Then the OP should admit that to herself. She will never have a successful relationship in the future if she can't admit what is truly bothering her about this one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigCityDreamer
Here's the bottom line: OP is going to leave her husband because her husband is a lazy ass and doesn't bring in any income.
Then the OP should admit that to herself. She will never have a successful relationship in the future if she can't admit what is truly bothering her about this one.
+++++++1
She needs to learn about herself through this situation too!
With each new post by the OP, another layer of the onion is peeled back. New wrinkles to the story, and for the most part, only one side of the story as is common practice on forums. I'm guessing there is an almost equal amount of issues on both sides and I would guess the husband has plenty of his own concerns regarding the OP, concerns that transcend the physical demands and criticisms he has placed upon his wife.
So far it seems neither of you has demonstrated the ability to work out your differences and communicate in a mature and constructive manner. I believe a competant marriage counselor will be able to mediate and hopefully reconcile your differences. Until your session on Tuesday, try to remain civil towards one another. Enough damage has already been done. Try to refrain from confrontation and save your questions and concerns for the counseling session. Good luck.
Then the OP should admit that to herself. She will never have a successful relationship in the future if she can't admit what is truly bothering her about this one.
...and if everyone knew how to do that, psychotherapy would be a dead profession!
See my post #234 re "the presenting problem"...
I was in a writing workshop once, and one of the authors whose work was being critiqued that week had a sentence in her piece that said something like, "People know what they are feeling and can express those feelings by doing XYZ."
Another class member was a therapist, and while the rule was not to criticize what was being written, just the writing, she asked the instructor, "Are we allowed to make a remark if something in the writing is simply a false statement? Because if that sentence were true, I'd be out of business!"
...and if everyone knew how to do that, psychotherapy would be a dead profession!
See my post #234 re "the presenting problem"...
She doesn't need psychotherapy to answer the question, "Why were you so mad at him prior to the porn discovery?" - a question I have asked several times.
She keeps avoiding it intentionally. I think I know why - she probably considers herself to be a modern woman, a feminist. And if you are feminist, role reversal in a marriage is is perfectly fine, right? If it is ok for a man to support a woman, it is ok for a woman to support a man, right? She doesn't want to admit that she has found his lack of income repulsive, because that isn't something a modern woman should feel. But at the end of the day, most women become disgusted with men who don't work. We are hard wired to become disgusted, and that is what is going on here. By learning this about herself, she will do a better job of selecting a husband next time. This guy didn't change on her, they have only been married for two months. If he is lazy now, he surely was lazy prior to saying "I do."
She doesn't need psychotherapy to answer the question, "Why were you so mad at him prior to the porn discovery?" - a question I have asked several times.
She keeps avoiding it intentionally. I think I know why - she probably considers herself to be a modern woman, a feminist. And if you are feminist, role reversal in a marriage is is perfectly fine, right? If it is ok for a man to support a woman, it is ok for a woman to support a man, right? She doesn't want to admit that she has found his lack of income repulsive, because that isn't something a modern woman should feel. But at the end of the day, most women become disgusted with men who don't work. We are hard wired to become disgusted, and that is what is going on here. By learning this about herself, she will do a better job of selecting a husband next time. This guy didn't change on her, they have only been married for two months. If he is lazy now, he surely was lazy prior to saying "I do."
Good post.
I sometimes wonder why we fight certain things, things that I don't know if they are hard wired per se or cultural. The "disgust" a woman might have towards a man that doesn't work, or the fact that as a man, I couldn't let myself be supported by a woman... IDK..... cultural.... or genes......
I sometimes wonder why we fight certain things, things that I don't know if they are hard wired per se or cultural. The "disgust" a woman might have towards a man that doesn't work, or the fact that as a man, I couldn't let myself be supported by a woman... IDK..... cultural.... or genes......
In this situation I would guess the OP thought he would "man up" after the marriage by getting a steady job. Again I point out they have only been married for two months, so his underemployment isn't anything new. Her husband is the same guy who used to be her boyfriend, but now her expectations have changed. If you don't want a slacker husband, don't marry your slacker boyfriend. And this only comes with honesty, she has to admit to herself that making money does count in her eyes.
She doesn't need psychotherapy to answer the question, "Why were you so mad at him prior to the porn discovery?" - a question I have asked several times.
She keeps avoiding it intentionally. I think I know why - she probably considers herself to be a modern woman, a feminist. And if you are feminist, role reversal in a marriage is is perfectly fine, right? If it is ok for a man to support a woman, it is ok for a woman to support a man, right? She doesn't want to admit that she has found his lack of income repulsive, because that isn't something a modern woman should feel. But at the end of the day, most women become disgusted with men who don't work. We are hard wired to become disgusted, and that is what is going on here. By learning this about herself, she will do a better job of selecting a husband next time. This guy didn't change on her, they have only been married for two months. If he is lazy now, he surely was lazy prior to saying "I do."
I agree 100%. For some reason she didn't face this defect earlier. Although, he did lose his previous job right after they got married, but I still believe the signs had to be there.
It's not that simple to see things in yourself even when it's obvious to everyone else. Maybe your hypothesis about the role reveral is correct, wholly or partially, maybe not. Maybe you see that because that's something you have learned about yourself but it doesn't apply to the OP whatsoever. Whichever, you are right in indicating that the key is for her to learn about herself.
I did what the OP did. I married someone with similar qualities--addict, lazy/unemployed, a user, mean, etc., and all the signs were there before marriage. Hell, I lived with him for six years before I married him. Do you have any idea how I still cringe just writing down what a fool I was? But I wanted to be married, and he was the only chance I'd ever had. Somewhere in my depths, I felt as though my life had no value if I wasn't married and had children and that this was the only important thing for me to do.
And I would have laughed at anyone who said that to me. Those "truths" we hang on to that we don't even remember learning are buried deep, and we aren't even aware of them until they get peeled back layer by layer, like an onion.
The OP has to find out what she's hanging on to that might not be true.
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