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I tried that for years. But finally decided it was so dysfunctional, I did not want my kids to see a marriage that bad. It does not work when only one person does all the giving. And the other does not give a chit.
This is all good advice from everyone. After I am out of this relationship though I do not plan on seeking another one. I would rather be single and unhappy than in a relationship and unhappy. With three kids the only people who are going to want me are those who have nothing going for themselves and just want to spend my money. That would be worst than what I am dealing with now.
While I agree it is better to be single and unhappy (though who's to say you'll be unhappy when you're single?), I don't really agree with the last part of your paragraph. My mother has been in a LTR for maybe 6 years now and he treats her well and is cognizant of the fact that we, me and my brother, come first. In everything. More men like him do exist, but I'm sure it's a battle weeding them out from the losers.
I worry because I have boys. A lot of people say when boys don't have their fathers in their lives they go down the wrong paths...
Unless their dad is a d@*k... and then they learn to be d@*ks. Children invariably internalize what they witness...so, IMO, the only gamble is that you might or night not move on to meet Mr. Perfect who is a fantastic role model. The sure thing is that if you stay they'll have absolutely no model of functional and healthy relationships.
I am most interested in hearing the male perspective about this.
I'm male. I gave her my perspective. To reiterate:
- I don't believe in the parents staying together for the sake of the kids
- I believe that if both parents are positive influences on the children then it shouldn't be a problem for each of them to have a good relationship with the kids
- In this case the father sounds like an ass, and the mother has said that he would have no interest in the kids if they were divorced to which I replied that the kids are better off without him then.
By staying you teach them that they can treat their future girlfriend's and wives like crap and expect them to put up with it. You know if it's good enough for their mom why should any other woman expect to be treated better than they're own mother?
im a firm believer in you are not doing your children any favors to be someone you are not. you're a parent not a doormat
live you life and while teaching and being respectful to your children outlook by teaching them why you make the choices you do...don't run away from conflict just because its the easiest way to go about it.
I'm male. I gave her my perspective. To reiterate:
- I don't believe in the parents staying together for the sake of the kids
- I believe that if both parents are positive influences on the children then it shouldn't be a problem for each of them to have a good relationship with the kids
- In this case the father sounds like an ass, and the mother has said that he would have no interest in the kids if they were divorced to which I replied that the kids are better off without him then.
Has anyone ever tried to make a relationship work for the sake of the children? I know they need their dad in their lives but in the end it is making me depressed. I been dealing with him since 2009 and things just keep getting worse and worse. He is one of those people who doesn't want someone but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He feels he can do whatever while I am stuck with the kids all of the time. Then, I always have to put on this front in front of his family like we are happy when we are not. I am tired of dealing with this but I don't want to mess up the kids relationship that they do have with him - when he is around. I am young but I deserve to be happy as well. I don't think I can deal with this for 18 years. What have others in this situation done?
Two choices here, leave and be happy but do not bad mouth the children's father ever or stay and be miserable until the youngest child is 18 years old then leave. No one can tell you what is right for you to do, YOU have to make that decision and follow through with that decision. You have already stated you have "tried to leave so many times", apparantly it is not important enough for you to leave and stay gone so looking from the outside in you really are not as miserable as you state in your post.
I have walked out of 2 long term relationships involving children and we are all better for the experience and the break up. When your children are grown they will make their own choices as to whom they wish to keep a relationship with. While they are young IF you choose to leave and stay gone, take the high road and do not say anything against their father in their presence or to anyone else. Let your children make their own decisions about their father and about you and leave it at that.
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