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I know this is long but please bear with me. I also apologize if there's another thread on this already.
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, it was an on and off relationship so I guess I should have seen that it wouldn’t last. We’d argue and break up and then get back together, but the real problems started when I went away to college (4 hours away) and he stayed home going to community college. I am currently 19 and he is 21.
Anyway, once I was in college problems started. I would go home to visit every 6-8 weeks and right after I would come to school thing would be fine, but once I’d be here for 5 weeks or so, he would start acting very distant. He wouldn’t call, he’d rarely answer my texts, and he once said he didn’t like talking through texts but he wouldn’t call. He works at night and I would always stay up to Skype with him, but our conversation would end up one-sided as he’d be too tired to talk and would end up watching TV or something. Eventually I’d get tired and break up with him, then he’d regret his actions, beg me, make tons of promises, I would believe him, we’d get back and everything would repeat itself. I feel like I made it too easy for him to come back and that made him start taking me for granted.
We recently broke up again because he was supposed to come visit me this past weekend. He asked for the days off from his job and he got them. But the days prior to that, we started arguing because he kept telling me he’d call and then he wouldn’t, so I started getting angry. The night before he was supposed to come up, I asked if he had bought his ticket and he said no, because he wasn’t sure he was coming. I got angry because he didn’t even have the balls to tell me, what if I hadn’t asked? Would he have told me? So I broke it off.
I miss him, but I know this relationship was bad for me. He always made me feel very insecure, by saying I needed to exercise, and making comments about my weight. I used to starve myself, and I was very thin but then gained weight. I am currently in treatment for bulimia and depression and when I told him he wasn’t supportive at all, he took it like a joke. He also flirts with a lot of girls on Facebook and has threatened to leave me for one of them. It seems like our relationship is only stable when he is happy, but as soon as I bring up our problems things go wrong.
As bad as it sounds, I am very heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I know I am better off alone, but I feel like I became too attached to him and now I don’t know what to do without him. Help me, how do I move on???
The fact that you are in treatment for bulimia is a good start. I assume you are bringing up this relationship with that counselor so you can get some help.
Have you been officially diagnosed with depression, or are you "feeling depressed"? That might be another step.
In addition, are you still in college? Many universities have free counseling for students. I would seek out someone specifically to deal with your depression.
Overall, your relationship sounds frighteningly typical for someone who began dating very young and attempted to continue it into college. Think about the hurdles this relationship has faced; distance, immaturity, unkind words, etc.
I have been through something similar a couple of times. My best advice to you is to stay with counseling, stay VERY busy, resist the urges to call/contact him, and for once let distance work in your favor as you move on.
It takes TIME to overcome a relationship you relied upon for so long.
((hug)) It's hard to let go of someone sometimes even when you know they are bad for you. I've been there. Sometimes it's easier to stay miserable than be without the person you're used to, but once you get past the miserable, you will realize how much happier you are without him. I was with a guy who never answered the phone, he would promise to call or that we would do something, and then he'd fall off the face of the earth. We would fight, he would apologize and I always forgave him, and then he would do it again. Rinse and repeat. He wasn't supportive. I spent 75% of our relationship being unhappy...and that's not the way a relationship should be. But I was scared to be without him ya know? Scared I wouldn't find anyone else, scared of the unknown I guess of being single after being together so long.
You're young and you're in college! You have your whole life ahead of you to date and find someone who really supports you and does what he says he will. And who loves you just the way you are!
I know this is long but please bear with me. I also apologize if there's another thread on this already.
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, it was an on and off relationship so I guess I should have seen that it wouldn’t last. We’d argue and break up and then get back together, but the real problems started when I went away to college (4 hours away) and he stayed home going to community college. I am currently 19 and he is 21.
Anyway, once I was in college problems started. I would go home to visit every 6-8 weeks and right after I would come to school thing would be fine, but once I’d be here for 5 weeks or so, he would start acting very distant. He wouldn’t call, he’d rarely answer my texts, and he once said he didn’t like talking through texts but he wouldn’t call. He works at night and I would always stay up to Skype with him, but our conversation would end up one-sided as he’d be too tired to talk and would end up watching TV or something. Eventually I’d get tired and break up with him, then he’d regret his actions, beg me, make tons of promises, I would believe him, we’d get back and everything would repeat itself. I feel like I made it too easy for him to come back and that made him start taking me for granted.
We recently broke up again because he was supposed to come visit me this past weekend. He asked for the days off from his job and he got them. But the days prior to that, we started arguing because he kept telling me he’d call and then he wouldn’t, so I started getting angry. The night before he was supposed to come up, I asked if he had bought his ticket and he said no, because he wasn’t sure he was coming. I got angry because he didn’t even have the balls to tell me, what if I hadn’t asked? Would he have told me? So I broke it off.
I miss him, but I know this relationship was bad for me. He always made me feel very insecure, by saying I needed to exercise, and making comments about my weight. I used to starve myself, and I was very thin but then gained weight. I am currently in treatment for bulimia and depression and when I told him he wasn’t supportive at all, he took it like a joke. He also flirts with a lot of girls on Facebook and has threatened to leave me for one of them. It seems like our relationship is only stable when he is happy, but as soon as I bring up our problems things go wrong.
As bad as it sounds, I am very heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I know I am better off alone, but I feel like I became too attached to him and now I don’t know what to do without him. Help me, how do I move on???
You're right. A one-sided relationship can't work. You miss him right now because you don't have him but that's normal. You spent time with this guy, shared with him and got attached to him. It hurts right now, but in the future you'll realize you did the right thing. Try to stay busy doing other things that you're interested in. Even if you don't feel interested in anything right now, do it. It'll help. Good luck.
Look OP im 31 and I was with my now ex (6 weeks since we broke up), for 4 1/2 years. We did a long distance thing too, just like you have done, for half our relationship. It was so hard, and keep in mind that only committed, trusting, and love keep long distance relationships together. In the end she cheated on me, so the commitment was gone on her end, the trust was gone because she lied until she met who she is with now, and she basically told me that our love was questionable. What more can I say? It hurts so much still, even after no contact with her for 6 weeks, but there will be somebody more right for you and me, and don't fall into a rebound relationship, they usually dont work out. Just go through the grief, talk with your parents and a counseler, try to stay busy and you will make it through. Give it 3 months of no contact, thats what I am doing, and see where you are at. Good luck and god bless, we both will make it through this.
Thank you all so much. I am in treatment for depression as well. I work with a psychologist, a nutritionist, and a psychiatrist as I am in the process of going on antidepressants.
I just feel very stupid that I got so attached knowing deep inside that this would never work. I angers me that he seems ok with the situations, I don't think he will ever understand what I went through and it frustrates me. We had an argument a couple of weeks ago about how he was never there when I needed him and his response was "I'm not the only one you can go to," which is true but I just felt that being together for so long he'd at least feel the need to be there for me. When his father walked out on him and his family and when his uncle, that he was very close with, died, I was always there being supportive. I guess it's just hard to realize that no matter how much we care there will always be some people who don't care about us. it's just sad to see that the one thing I wanted most is just not meant to be. Also my depression just makes things worse, because I know he's no good for me and that someday things will be better but I can't help feeling hopeless.
Thank you though, I am trying to stay busy and I haven't really spoken to him since Thursday when we broke up. I'm trying to keep it that way, though it's hard. And yes, I am still in college.
The article is very interesting. We've broken up so many times knowing we'd get back together I don't know if it's hit me yet that this time is real. Very frustrating.
One piece of advice. If you remember this, it will save you from a lot of grief and wasted emotion.
If they love you, they don't make you cry.
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