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Hi guys, I just wanted to give you an update of what's been going on.. We have been home now for our Christmas break and it has been about 7 weeks since the breakup.. the girls that we are mutually friends with had a secret santa last week and she basically said to them that it's been really hard not having me around, she would "do anything" to be able to call me and come hang out with me, and that she was hoping to get invited to my new years party im hosting this year. I am shocked that she thinks I would invite her, but I was thinking that if she could mature a little and maybe contact me and see if we can meet up and talk then I'd consider the invite.. I understand the no contact rule, its been tough, but ive been going out with my friends, family working out, and staying busy. I was really hoping to hear from her the month while we are home though.. what do you guys think? I know this is all high school crap but she has posted some things online saying "you're kidding." "This must be some sort of joke" and just other stupid posts in regards to me in pictures with other girls out because I am trying to be social and show her I'm better off. IDK what to do next other than wait
Just going to share my experience.
Recently ended a 7 year relationship. At first it was hard; I kept busy, but I also spent alot time analyzing why it didn't work out. I tend to move on pretty quickly though. We remained friends the whole time, and recently even discussed with each other how we self sabotaged our relationship in a platonic way. Shes currently dating another guy - and I'm 100% ok with it.
I recommend working out a lot, meditation, and just forcing yourself to think optimistically and positively. It really does work. There will be tough times, but if you just stay above it, you'll do just fine. However, based on your posts, you sound as though you still kind of hope for a rekindling - I was mature enough to realize it would never happen (interracial, parental disapproval), and I feel that no contact is a ploy to make her miss you enough to want to get back with you.
If that IS your ultimate goal, then do not break NC it until she is basically begging you for another chance. If, however, you realize that you are still young and that you will meet someone just as compatible in the future, be the mature man and just befriend her. It will suck at first, especially if she moves on, but it will make you extremely tough and a stronger person in the long run, and more capable of holding on to the next special one that comes, or even rekindling this one when you both have truly matured. Trust me.
The pain you will feel is inevitable, but you always have a choice in how you respond to it.
thank you ibioiniui.. i definitely will befriend her when i feel comfortable to. she doesnt want to lose me out of her life and she told me that when she dumped me. i think she thought i was gonna sit in every night and be sad and wait til she would maybe return, but thats not the case. i've always been the more outgoing one in the relationship so i think its killing her that ive been out with my friends a lot and new girls. i definitely think she needs to mature a lot more, im still young to but ive handled this breakup in a very mature way giving her 100 percent space. I havent contacted her once. She was telling our friends it "would kill her" to hear me hook up with another girl, but she did it?? crazy.. we'll see if she comes around and when i am ready for the friendship i guess. thanks
thank you ibioiniui.. i definitely will befriend her when i feel comfortable to. she doesnt want to lose me out of her life and she told me that when she dumped me. i think she thought i was gonna sit in every night and be sad and wait til she would maybe return, but thats not the case. i've always been the more outgoing one in the relationship so i think its killing her that ive been out with my friends a lot and new girls. i definitely think she needs to mature a lot more, im still young to but ive handled this breakup in a very mature way giving her 100 percent space. I havent contacted her once. She was telling our friends it "would kill her" to hear me hook up with another girl, but she did it?? crazy.. we'll see if she comes around and when i am ready for the friendship i guess. thanks
She was the one that made the stupid decision to break up with you. Her loss. Only a foolish man would sit around and wait for a woman to change her mind. Don't let her make a fool out of you. Better girls out there. Do what makes you happy.
thank you ibioiniui.. i definitely will befriend her when i feel comfortable to. she doesnt want to lose me out of her life and she told me that when she dumped me. i think she thought i was gonna sit in every night and be sad and wait til she would maybe return, but thats not the case. i've always been the more outgoing one in the relationship so i think its killing her that ive been out with my friends a lot and new girls. i definitely think she needs to mature a lot more, im still young to but ive handled this breakup in a very mature way giving her 100 percent space. I havent contacted her once. She was telling our friends it "would kill her" to hear me hook up with another girl, but she did it?? crazy.. we'll see if she comes around and when i am ready for the friendship i guess. thanks
I'm glad my advice helped. I'll also say, its easy to give into the hatred, especially to some of the advice some of these posters are giving you. But think long term - do you really want to carry such negativity into the future? What would your future mate think? You have to try to reach the stage of optimism and a positive attitude as soon as possible, and like anything worthwhile in life, it always takes a bit of effort. Just hang in there, keep hanging around these forums. I recommend metafilter as well (but I dont think referring to other sites is allowed). It really helps knowing that many have been in your position, and have bounced back strong because they took the better route.
Even if you choose not to remain friends with her, be nice and mature about it. Always look forward, and improve yourself as much as possible. Be very social and go out often, force it if you have to, but also develop yourself. Once again, stay positive and let it radiate from within despite the darkness you feel.
thank you ibioiniui.. i definitely will befriend her when i feel comfortable to. she doesnt want to lose me out of her life and she told me that when she dumped me. i think she thought i was gonna sit in every night and be sad and wait til she would maybe return, but thats not the case. i've always been the more outgoing one in the relationship so i think its killing her that ive been out with my friends a lot and new girls. i definitely think she needs to mature a lot more, im still young to but ive handled this breakup in a very mature way giving her 100 percent space. I havent contacted her once. She was telling our friends it "would kill her" to hear me hook up with another girl, but she did it?? crazy.. we'll see if she comes around and when i am ready for the friendship i guess. thanks
Everything she said to her girlfriends is normal. Like you said y'all were together for 6 years and it's not like most people can just cut off a connection like that overnight, even if she was the one who did the breaking up. In her case it sounds like she did it not because she didn't care about you, but because she thought she was missing out on something else. Now is about the time she's realizing that the single life isn't all fun (some of it is, but its not like MTV) and it's not easy to find a decent guy who treats you well, even if all you do is hook up. So yeah, she's gonna miss you. It's the holidays, it's family time, now would be a wonderful time to be in a secure relationship with someone who loves you.
People have a hard time cutting off emotions for people who cheat on them, people who lie to them, ect. So it's not easier when y'all break up like you did.
Still, it's hard to go back. That relationship is over and that trust is gone. I would think long and hard before getting in contact right now. It would be too easy to slip back into it. She doesn't sound mature enough to really work hard at rebuilding it. I wouldnt do it, but I'm not you. You know her, you know you. Good luck.
ETA: I wanted to add if she was really ready to handle being back together and rebuilding the trust she ruined, she would contact you herself and apologize for everything, and ask you for another chance while saying she's ready to work. She wouldn't be talking to her girlfriends in hopes it got back to you and she would not be writing childish things on Facebook photos. She needs to grow up.
exactly, i will be mature about it thank you. and yes it is hard because now that trust is gone. i have no trust in her now, whether it be seeing other guys and whether it'll be that she'll just do this again to me. we were completely fine the day before she did it to me too which makes it hard. and youre right its not like we broke up from cheating. and yes she is acting very immature lately through all of this. do you definitely recommend that i let her contact me?
My girlfriend dumped me two weeks ago after six years. I am madly in love with this girl and I am absolutely heartbroken. I have been doing well going out with the guys showing her I'm better off and having fun. We are 21 and 20, everyone was so jealous of us, we've traveled over the world, and were so happy. She told the girls that she's panicking that I've been the only guy, but then to me she basically said she's moving on. In class the other day, she was already asking for the friendship, and writing a ton of notes to me updating me the past two weeks that we haven't spoken. What advice can you guys give me?
She is jerking you around. She might not be intending to do so, but she is nonetheless.
It is very common at your age. Women and men alike reach the cusp of adulthood and their tastes, beliefs, values, and a whole lot of other things change. And they realize that their steady hasn't changed in the same way or direction. So discontentment settles in.
Here's the deal. There's nothing worse than a former S/O who breaks things off and will not leave you alone. Love is not something you can turn on and off like a light switch. She has decided that she no longer loves you. Fair enough. But for her to continually pester you is selfish to the extreme, because she is providing you with a constant reminder of the love you had in life that has now evaporated into thin air. She is basically dancing outside your reach.
Ignore her. And when she she starts to protest, simply say, "Look. You're the one who decided to break things off. This is your doing. And I'm not really interested in being friends with you now when I was so much more before. If you really want to renew this relationship the way it was, then great. But otherwise knock it off."
Trust me. You'll respect yourself so much more for having said it. And if you're interested in getting her back, it's really the only way to make that happen.
I will definitely use that quote it's perfect. What would you say about her telling our friends she's "panicking" then telling me her feelings started to change? Probably to give me more of a reason? She told them it had nothing to do with me and that's what makes it hard because I wish there had been something openly wrong. Her mom has emailed me saying that "she will definitely regret it" and it makes it hard for me but also leaves me with some hope. I'm definitely moving on for ME though, not her. I have been having fun and it's killing her that I haven't fallen off the radar. If she does request to meet up and talk soon how do you suggest I act? Somewhat happy but show I still care about her?
Everything she said to her girlfriends is normal. Like you said y'all were together for 6 years and it's not like most people can just cut off a connection like that overnight, even if she was the one who did the breaking up. In her case it sounds like she did it not because she didn't care about you, but because she thought she was missing out on something else. Now is about the time she's realizing that the single life isn't all fun (some of it is, but its not like MTV) and it's not easy to find a decent guy who treats you well, even if all you do is hook up. So yeah, she's gonna miss you. It's the holidays, it's family time, now would be a wonderful time to be in a secure relationship with someone who loves you.
People have a hard time cutting off emotions for people who cheat on them, people who lie to them, ect. So it's not easier when y'all break up like you did.
Still, it's hard to go back. That relationship is over and that trust is gone. I would think long and hard before getting in contact right now. It would be too easy to slip back into it. She doesn't sound mature enough to really work hard at rebuilding it. I wouldnt do it, but I'm not you. You know her, you know you. Good luck.
ETA: I wanted to add if she was really ready to handle being back together and rebuilding the trust she ruined, she would contact you herself and apologize for everything, and ask you for another chance while saying she's ready to work. She wouldn't be talking to her girlfriends in hopes it got back to you and she would not be writing childish things on Facebook photos. She needs to grow up.
I agree with CPG. I also want to add a few thoughts for you, take them as you will.
My ex-husband was married to his childhood sweetheart, they'd known each other since they were about 4 years old, started dating at 14 and were married at 19. It didn't work out for them, and he had many regrets about not experiencing life as a young single man, getting to know other people, was always one half of a couple during his formative years. By their mid-30s, he felt like an elderly couple. They were too familiar with each other, shared too much history. There was no time in his life when she wasn't a part of it, no experiences he'd had independent of her. For him/them, it was just too much.
And my ex's daughter, she latched onto a boy the first day of high school and they dated for 4 years. Now, she was a horrid child, selfish and manipulative, a real user, and she used him and his family those 4 years. I feel like he threw away his teenage years on her, only to be discarded when she went to college and became a real wild party girl. He is such a great young man, and I'm thrilled that he is blossoming since becoming free of her clutches, and I hope he finds a woman that treats him well and makes him happy.
Now these are just two personal examples from my life. I'm not saying childhood sweethearts can't work out, many do, but many don't, and there's nothing wrong with it.
You still have a few years to finish forming who you're going to be as an adult , and it really is the time in your life to get to know others, explore who you are as an individual, not just one half of a relationship. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but the world is still wide open for you, the best years of your life haven't passed you by, you are just beginning that stage.
I would caution though not to play games, purposely put pictures on FB to prove something, or make subtle digs at her. She's made a choice that has impacted both your lives, and you both need to live with the consequences of that choice, but do it with respect, dignity and maturity. And I wouldn't take her back, not anytime soon anyway. IMO, young/teen relationships are often ones of codependency, you become used to that person being there, just because they always have been. This may very well be a blessing in disguise, that you become more independent, more "you", know what you want out of life as an individual, not dependent on anyone else.
I wish you well, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, just need to grieve the end of your relationship before you can move on. Best of luck!
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