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Mathguy said, "One thing that doesn't add up....isn't there screening for adopting etc? How did the two of you get past this? Why would such a "jerk" adopt 5 kids?"
Good Lord! 56 years old with grown children and grandchildren and adopted five children during this only ten year marriage? I really smelled troll on reading the initial post but now wonder if this demonstrates some pretty bad adoption system flaws...
Hello,
I desparately need advice from anyone who is willing to listen. I have been married for ten years and my husband and I have adopted five beautiful children. I feel that my husband is controlling and just an old fasioned ass hole. I don't think I am in love with him anymore because of our disagreements and things he has said to me when we are arguing. We mostly fight over money.
He controls the finances and wants to save money for our retirement. That is great but he gripes about everything I spend. I am very frugal and even dress the kids in mostly used clothing, like hand me downs and thrift store and buy markdowns if purchasing new ones. I don't feel appreciated at all. I pay the bills for him because he once said if I didn't do it what did he need me for. Because he hates for me to spend I lie about it and hide it when I do spend. He says I am a lier and can't be honest. He finally took himself off of my account and opened his own, which I cannot write checks on. So...I think he is controlling and don't feel like he trust my judgement in finances. I once got a credit card in his name and he has never forgiven me for that.
The other thing we fight over is I feel he is too strict and hard on the kids. I try to ask him not to be so hard and he thinks I am interfering and trying to tell him what to do. He doesn't hurt them, but he is very strict. The kids are angry and take it out on each other. They also act out away from home and have gotten in trouble at school.
Sometimes I want to plan my leave and take half the money and go. I did leave for a month back in the spring and he filed for divorce. I came back and took the kids out of school then he filed the next day and said I had to bring them back. Well, I knew better and had legal counseling. I agreed to meet him to talk and let him talk me into coming back. He didn't keep any of him promises, which was to seek marriage counseling, and go to church as a family, and spend more one on one time with the kids. and we still fight over the same things. He has a way of making me feel like its all my fault and I am the one who needs to change. I don't feel he loves me and gives me intimacy. I am not speaking about sex, the old fashioned touching and hugging a woman needs from her man. If I ask him for affection he says here, touch, and laughs at me. My self esteem is low and I hardly have any friends, only one girlfriend and then my two sisters. I dont work because I have RA and am on disability which allows me to be a stay at home mom. I am 56 and also have 4 grown children and 9 grandkids.
Anyway, I would love to have the perfect marriage for the kids and not subject them to a broken home. I think they would be happier not living under his oppressing rule. He says he is right and I am contradicting him if I try to talk to him about his disipline.
For instance now he is making the oldest two, ages 11 and 13, sleep in the bathroom on the tile floor for a week because they didn't keep their bedroom clean. He says they lost their room for a week. He believes this will make them appreciate their room and keep it clean. I feel it makes them very uncomfortable and not be able to rest good. He says they sleep on the floor in the room and on campiing trips and it doesn't hurt them. He also said he is tired of me fussing at them about cleaning their room so he is helping me by doing this. He says all I do is yell at them. Well, I am trying to control my yelling, because I probably do yell too much and they don't listen anyway, just tune me out.
Anyway that is an example of what I am upset over. I am probably being too protective as a mom.
Can anyone give me some feed back and advice?
Uncertain and unhappy!
Making kids sleep on the floor in the bathroom is abuse. Which you probably already know. And it hurts them psychologically.
Next you need to:
Delete cookies
Delete files
Put days to keep pages in history to 0
After you are done on the computer just clear the history if you want too.
Mozilla has a way to clear history off mozilla firefox do that as well.
Don't use Internet explorer enough it does have a history too you can simply just erase/delete this particular website as well even on Mozilla firefox also.
Do not leave a computer trail.
Do not auto save your passwords either.
Thanks so much to all of you for your advice. I will get councel this week from our local womens shelter who already know me. I will post more later cause he is home today.
Please continue with the womens shelter they have resources to help. Take all the help and advice they offer up to you.
If you have to go underground do it for the safety of your kids and yourself.
May I also suggest to record the abuse with a tape recorder nothing like in their own words.
They are affordable and some are very small and easy to conceal.
You have to go into survival mode and what is best for you and your kids so if it takes tape recording, calling the abuse hot line, the police. you must be strong now.
I pray that God keeps you and your kids safe while you figure this out.
Mathguy said, "One thing that doesn't add up....isn't there screening for adopting etc? How did the two of you get past this? Why would such a "jerk" adopt 5 kids?"
Good Lord! 56 years old with grown children and grandchildren and adopted five children during this only ten year marriage? I really smelled troll on reading the initial post but now wonder if this demonstrates some pretty bad adoption system flaws...
I'm not quite following but if my post were unclear initially let me clarify.
I wasn't calling the initial poster a "jerk" (or anyone for that matter). I just didn't understand how the husband....being described as this horrible person or a "jerk" ....got past any screening etc. and even wanted to go ahead and adopt 5 kids which is a pretty noble effort on both of their parts.
Best of luck to all involved.
Edited to add that I 100% disagree that AS DESCRIBED this is clear cut abuse. It may be, it may not be, there is insufficient information to come to that conclusion. (In my opinion)
Please continue with the womens shelter they have resources to help. Take all the help and advice they offer up to you.
If you have to go underground do it for the safety of your kids and yourself.
May I also suggest to record the abuse with a tape recorder nothing like in their own words.
They are affordable and some are very small and easy to conceal.
You have to go into survival mode and what is best for you and your kids so if it takes tape recording, calling the abuse hot line, the police. you must be strong now.
I pray that God keeps you and your kids safe while you figure this out.
"He also said he is tired of me fussing at them about cleaning their room so he is helping me by doing this. He says all I do is yell at them. Well, I am trying to control my yelling, because I probably do yell too much and they don't listen anyway, just tune me out. "
From what she said she has a problem with yelling a lot, which can be more abusive than sleeping on the floor. She may want to think that over before she starts recording. I think this story is to one sided to give any advise other than seeking counceling for the entire family.
"He also said he is tired of me fussing at them about cleaning their room so he is helping me by doing this. He says all I do is yell at them. Well, I am trying to control my yelling, because I probably do yell too much and they don't listen anyway, just tune me out. "
From what she said she has a problem with yelling a lot, which can be more abusive than sleeping on the floor. She may want to think that over before she starts recording. I think this story is to one sided to give any advise other than seeking counceling for the entire family.
And to add to this, I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to seek shelter if she feels SHE is being abused. Some are just saying to proceed with caution on labelling the children sleeping on the bathroom floor as clear-cut abuse without knowing the entire story behind this...
Make kids sleep on bathroom floor (duration of one week is standard) for not cleaning their rooms. Make sure you liken it to camping so it sounds like a fun experience and you don't come off being a monster. Always cover your a$$!!
Tell wife you are doing this to help her out because she yells too much. That way, no matter what she says or how she says it, she will doubt herself. You maintain tightfisted control over both the kids and their mother!! Make sure she accepts and repeats to others that you're just helping her out. Always cover your a$$!!
Don't discuss anything with your wife about the children. Simply tell her how she is to parent. She may get the idea that she has some value in the family and become uppity. Make sure she understands this is for her own good. Always cover your a$$!!
Put her in a position to lie about money. Don't trust her with anything more than you can monitor. Keep a sharp eye out for any small infraction such as clothes for growing kids. Of course any personal purchases such as lipstick or deodorant is to be strictly chastised. Give her credit for managing the bills. Just tell her she's worthless otherwise. She'll get it. Muhahahahahaha!! Make sure she understands you are not being mean or abusive....after all....you are saving for your retirement. Always cover your a$$!!
There may be times you feel as if you are losing control. Just file for divorce and use the children as pawns!! Easy...right!?! Now. Make empty promises. She won't catch on since she's so beaten down emotionally. She won't understand that the promises need to be met for a year or so before she returns. Just remember those promises can cover your a$$. Start your usual control slowly. She won't notice or take action since she's so damn scared and feels no personal worth to escape your hold. You da man!!!
If your wife becomes gutsy and asks for some positive attention, offer her an ounce of flesh (a mini touch of your precious self), but be sure to laugh in her face. You may not be able to cover your a$$ on this one, but it really doesn't matter. She will be so hurt and humiliated that she won't tell anyone about it. On the outside chance she goes on line and tells a bunch of strangers, don't worry. Some of them will find a way to blame her too. All the better!! You've just found more control!!
bikermom, If you yell, you yell. You need to change that behavior. No one can change it for you or force you to make the effort. I suspect it is the only way to think you can be heard. Here's a secret tip. Talk very s - o - f - t - l - y. Sometimes people listen better to figure out what they can't hear. If verbal communication doesn't work, use proactive measures. Disengage from the madness. Take a bubble bath. Ignore the games in your home. Refuse to 'play' childish games. When people behave appropriately, have the conversation. Use "I" words. Take responsibility for what you can impact and leave what you can't to the person who can.
No matter what you or the children did or did not do, forcing someone to sleep on the floor of a toilet for a week *is* abusive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no excuse for this type of discipline. You may hear things like, "It is the parent's chosen form of discipline...There is no visible damage to the children.....There are no bruises.....The child is not in eminent danger, etc." Bull!!!!!!!!!!!! If the children are acting out at school, there is a problem.
Tell everyone who will listen. Keeping this sort of stuff hidden is what make it increase. You need to be very careful if your husband is physically abusive. He probably isn't far from it if he hasn't hurt any of you already.
Make very sure you have documented paperwork of all incidents. Talk to the school and make sure you know to whom you are speaking and ask that it be documented.
I'm glad you are working through the local women's shelter. You mentioned that they know you. This isn't your first trip down this road, is it?
None of this will be easy. Be strong, and cover your a$$!!
Make kids sleep on bathroom floor (duration of one week is standard) for not cleaning their rooms. Make sure you liken it to camping so it sounds like a fun experience and you don't come off being a monster. Always cover your a$$!!
Tell wife you are doing this to help her out because she yells too much. That way, no matter what she says or how she says it, she will doubt herself. You maintain tightfisted control over both the kids and their mother!! Make sure she accepts and repeats to others that you're just helping her out. Always cover your a$$!!
Don't discuss anything with your wife about the children. Simply tell her how she is to parent. She may get the idea that she has some value in the family and become uppity. Make sure she understands this is for her own good. Always cover your a$$!!
Put her in a position to lie about money. Don't trust her with anything more than you can monitor. Keep a sharp eye out for any small infraction such as clothes for growing kids. Of course any personal purchases such as lipstick or deodorant is to be strictly chastised. Give her credit for managing the bills. Just tell her she's worthless otherwise. She'll get it. Muhahahahahaha!! Make sure she understands you are not being mean or abusive....after all....you are saving for your retirement. Always cover your a$$!!
There may be times you feel as if you are losing control. Just file for divorce and use the children as pawns!! Easy...right!?! Now. Make empty promises. She won't catch on since she's so beaten down emotionally. She won't understand that the promises need to be met for a year or so before she returns. Just remember those promises can cover your a$$. Start your usual control slowly. She won't notice or take action since she's so damn scared and feels no personal worth to escape your hold. You da man!!!
If your wife becomes gutsy and asks for some positive attention, offer her an ounce of flesh (a mini touch of your precious self), but be sure to laugh in her face. You may not be able to cover your a$$ on this one, but it really doesn't matter. She will be so hurt and humiliated that she won't tell anyone about it. On the outside chance she goes on line and tells a bunch of strangers, don't worry. Some of them will find a way to blame her too. All the better!! You've just found more control!!
bikermom, If you yell, you yell. You need to change that behavior. No one can change it for you or force you to make the effort. I suspect it is the only way to think you can be heard. Here's a secret tip. Talk very s - o - f - t - l - y. Sometimes people listen better to figure out what they can't hear. If verbal communication doesn't work, use proactive measures. Disengage from the madness. Take a bubble bath. Ignore the games in your home. Refuse to 'play' childish games. When people behave appropriately, have the conversation. Use "I" words. Take responsibility for what you can impact and leave what you can't to the person who can.
No matter what you or the children did or did not do, forcing someone to sleep on the floor of a toilet for a week *is* abusive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no excuse for this type of discipline. You may hear things like, "It is the parent's chosen form of discipline...There is no visible damage to the children.....There are no bruises.....The child is not in eminent danger, etc." Bull!!!!!!!!!!!! If the children are acting out at school, there is a problem.
Tell everyone who will listen. Keeping this sort of stuff hidden is what make it increase. You need to be very careful if your husband is physically abusive. He probably isn't far from it if he hasn't hurt any of you already.
Make very sure you have documented paperwork of all incidents. Talk to the school and make sure you know to whom you are speaking and ask that it be documented.
I'm glad you are working through the local women's shelter. You mentioned that they know you. This isn't your first trip down this road, is it?
None of this will be easy. Be strong, and cover your a$$!!
Thank you Rockky, for saying all that I wanted to and didn't take the time to. Having formerly worked in the area of human services, I recognize that your advice is accurate and valuable. Putting DOGS in a bathroom for a week would not be tolerated by some people, but kids...OK??! I hope the OP listens to you...this is what she needs to hear, regarding herself, the kids, and the spouse. Reps to you!!!
"He also said he is tired of me fussing at them about cleaning their room so he is helping me by doing this. He says all I do is yell at them. Well, I am trying to control my yelling, because I probably do yell too much and they don't listen anyway, just tune me out. "
From what she said she has a problem with yelling a lot, which can be more abusive than sleeping on the floor. She may want to think that over before she starts recording. I think this story is to one sided to give any advise other than seeking counseling for the entire family.
She yells because she is frustrated. It is what she is saying when she is yelling.
Men like this do not go to counseling!
Thank you Rockky, for saying all that I wanted to and didn't take the time to. Having formerly worked in the area of human services, I recognize that your advice is accurate and valuable. Putting DOGS in a bathroom for a week would not be tolerated by some people, but kids...OK??! I hope the OP listens to you...this is what she needs to hear, regarding herself, the kids, and the spouse. Reps to you!!!
I'm sorry. Guess I missed where the OP specified that the kids were being locked in the bathroom for a week straight. All I heard is that they are sleeping on the bathroom floor as a method of getting them to appreciate their room more and maybe clean it when they're asked as all efforts of yelling at them by their mother did not appear to work....
We didnt' get any detail about them being locked in an unclean bathroom with a toilet that doesn't flush and the lights turned off with only a slit in the door for moldy bread and a thimble full of water to be passed through at meal time for a straight week...
All some are saying here is cease fire on sending the cops and calling DCF as a MUST DO until you know for sure the circumstances as it could end up NOT looking good for the OP if it ISN'T something that's considered a big deal.
Not enough info for a definitive solution.
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Having formerly worked in the area of human services, I recognize that your advice is accurate and valuable. Putting DOGS in a bathroom for a week would not be tolerated by some people, but kids...OK??! I hope the OP listens to you...this is what she needs to hear, regarding herself, the kids, and the spouse. Reps to you!!!
