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Wow, your situation is really fresh as well. I am so glad to hear that you had the strength to leave with your children. Anyone that they feel they have to walk on eggshells to be around is not good for them. That is too hard for a child, and I do believe you that he was abusive. I am just glad that you are not in it anymore.
Studies show abusive people get worse over time, so maybe that is why I didn't have a big problem with his control when I was in high school. I really didn't give them much trouble, and the extent of his control over me was not giving me money and only allowing me to talk on the phone for 15 minutes per night, because I probably would've been on it for at least an hour if I didn't have that rule. And ofcourse I didn't like that at all. As far as my mom goes, it was more control over money. There is probably more also that I can't remember right this minute. He seemed to be one of those, "I've won you" men. They are wonderful during the "courtship" but then change a lot after your're married, as in he did not show my mother the affection and appreciation she needed.
To Mathguy:
Sorry about being defencive over the college payment thing.
About the single handed thing, yes he works to support the household. He also interacts very little with the kids, and he doesn't help out or show her appreciation in the way she wanted to receive it, like with words and stuff. Instead, his thinking is that providing is showing his appreciation and so he doesn't have to with words except for the occasional holiday.
He's so tight with his money that he told my mom to only spend $100 total for the kids for Christmas, that's $20 per kid. The dollar store won't even buy good gifts for that! And so she said that maybe they just wouldn't have a Christmas and his responce was, "Good!" He really is stressed over money, but he hasn't thought logically about a lot of things.
To VaFury:
I guess it's just a situation of words over actions. I say that he loves them because that is what he says. And I do honestly believe him, and so does my mom. He probably might not love my mom as much now because his heart is broken and he's probably angry at her. But he just didn't show the love properly, you know? Actions speak louder than words.
Looking back, if it were me, I know that I would've been older, but I would've felt awful if he told me to sleep on the bathroom floor. I'm sure I would've called my real dad to come and get me, or just have left if I was driving by then. It's just not right.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Your mom is going to need a lot of help from you and your sisters if/when dad gets the boot.
You obviously will never know the freedom I am speaking of, and I will only leave it at that. I have not seen the inside of a bar. I am responsible for my children at all times, good for your cousin.
He helped raise a child who he thought for five years was his. For him to find out that it wasn't, after all of this time, if he were to just not have anything to do with the child, would make him not much of a man.
He is doing the right thing...what would you do? Kick the child that you thought was yours for years to the curb because you one day found out the child was not yours?
The freedom I won is very important in my life and my childrens, and one day, it will be, in my husbands.
Let FREEDOM RING MATHGUY!!!!
Did you read Mathguy's post??? Are you kidding me???
Sorry, but if this is going to fly I'll be on the first train outta the "relationships" area of this site because I didn't realize it was a "Woman's Rights Rally" going on here.
Seriously cinderobyn, you would EXPECT a man to do what this man did??? And to do so in the face of the woman's disregard???
Yeah maybe he's doing the "right thing" but for you to even suggest it should be expected of him is a crock....
C'mon now, I'm sorry you're jaded from your experiences but back off here. Let freedom ring, INDEED!!!
Did you read Mathguy's post??? Are you kidding me???
Sorry, but if this is going to fly I'll be on the first train outta the "relationships" area of this site because I didn't realize it was a "Woman's Rights Rally" going on here.
Seriously cinderobyn, you would EXPECT a man to do what this man did??? And to do so in the face of the woman's disregard???
Yeah maybe he's doing the "right thing" but for you to even suggest it should be expected of him is a crock....
C'mon now, I'm sorry you're jaded from your experiences but back off here. Let freedom ring, INDEED!!!
I was going to just let that post slide as I couldn't find a good way to positively respond to someone with such fresh wounds.
Let me just say that if you have been abused and suffer a terrible experience I have a lot of sympathy for you.
If after a time you keep imprinting your hurt onto others by being quick to fit someone into the picture of your previous abuser in order to exact a measure of revenge....then you're actually spreading your hurt to others.
My friends girlfriend was like that....dad was scum....treated the mom bad and ditched her. Mom then proceeded to psychologically imprint (abuse?) daughter by telling her how men were scum. I doubt the girl will ever have a good relationship thanks to dad .....................and also mom.
Hello everyone!
I tried to post an update two days ago but i think I must have run out of time on this pc at this library and it didn't post. My daughter said she didn't see it.
Well I did file for divorce and he was served thursday at 6:00 PM while we were on our way to the coast to spend a relaxing weekend . I wanted to go to the coast to a different daughter's house while the kids were out of school a couplle of weeks ago and H and I ride the Harley, but he said we couldn't spare the money. Well, now we are taking the trip without him, which is better anyway, and he was receiving divorce papers! We had a great time, I got to destress for the upcoming court date, he was on a restraining order and never bothered anyone.
court hearing was Wednesday and I am not happy with the Judge's decision, but I am stuck with it for the next three months. He did not get booted out of the house, and evidently he hasn't bee mean enough to the kids. The children go back to the home on Friday and He gets to stay with them for one week, then he leaves for the next week while I stay with them for a week. This is repeated on and off every other week for the next three months. I don't have to pay any bills and he is responsible for everything. I get my little disability check to use for myself incase I need anything like medicine or deoderant. I don't know if i have to pay for my own food or gas or not. Since I am living in the big house and the little house he doesn't have to pay spousal support right now. We have to go to parenting classes, and cannot under any cercumstances spank or hit the kids. If either of us do mistreat them, we could be booted out and the other parent is in.
Well, I really haven't done anything by filing but made life more difficult and not the kids are with him a week at a time with out me to buffer their dicipline. This is sooo bad, and I have been crying for two days and he thinks he has won. Well, it ain't over yet, buddy, and I am getting stronger every day and he will not beat me down anymore. Yesterday after court I went by the house to get some coats and clothes for the kids and he tried to trap me into a conversation and said he had me recorded. I called my attorney and she just leave, that he is lying. I guess I have a long three months ahead of me, but the upcoming holidays will make it go by faster. Tonight I am going to a support group meeting at women in need, and bowling on my league in the morning. I am also going to get professional counseling for myself starting next week. With the situation the way it is I plan to take advantage of this time without the kids on my weeks off to rest and build myself up.
I am asking for custody of the children and half of our property, two houses, and twenty six acres and goats and belongings, then he can save all he wants for his retirement! He won't have to worry about me spending any of his money any more, after he pays child support and spousal support, he can spend and save anyway he wants to. I can be my own person and my own boss and will not have to answer to him like I am a child and he is my daddy. I am a grown woman and I will survive! I am so happy because i am finally in sink with my heart and have the courage to say what I really want. I know the kids will be better off with me, and we will have a great future planning fun things to do and discover. Daddy will have his time and be a better Daddy with out as much time to be big dog and make everyone miserable and scared of him.
Thanks so much for yur support ad advise, and no..you did not convice me to go in this direction, you just gave me strength to go with my heart, at last. I did not plan to make the kids have a broken home. I am so sorry for this to happen to them. I could have made different choices earlier in my marriage, but thank God I didn't and we are blessed with these wonderful little souls. I love them and will do my best to protect them and raise them into fine God loving people who will give me more beautiful grand babies, if I live that long enough!
Did you read Mathguy's post??? Are you kidding me???
Sorry, but if this is going to fly I'll be on the first train outta the "relationships" area of this site because I didn't realize it was a "Woman's Rights Rally" going on here.
Seriously cinderobyn, you would EXPECT a man to do what this man did??? And to do so in the face of the woman's disregard???
Yeah maybe he's doing the "right thing" but for you to even suggest it should be expected of him is a crock....
C'mon now, I'm sorry you're jaded from your experiences but back off here. Let freedom ring, INDEED!!!
Sorry VaFury, haven't been right in this thread lately, I was talking about a man who was with a child for what looks like at least 4 years, then found out it was not his. The child, and he thought for all that time he was the father, I feel he did the right thing by still caring for the child.
Then.... My freedom is not like her freedom. He used free so many times, so, i put in a bit of my 'free'
I dont think it is a crock for a man to love a child for many years, thinking it is his own, to continue to care for it if he found it wasn't his.
However, what I do think is a crock, is to disregard that child like he never loved it, and the child never loved him. That...would be the crock.
I am not on a Womans rights rally...I am on a MY rights rally. If you need to take a train, thats on you.
bikermom, I wish things could have been more cut and dried for you concerning the children, but I guess this is how it usually goes.
You sound strong, resolute, and seem to have some peace within yourself. That's a good thing....feeling you made the right choice, or having the strength to make the only intelligent choice you could find goes a long way toward personal healing.
First, I want to give you kudos for selflessly adopting five children. Second, I agree with the other posters about the sleeping on the floor thing, this is very disturbing and is a form of child abuse. Last, I think if you feel there is something still left to save and re-build on in your marriage, then counseling is a great alternative to heading straight for divorce. However, keep in mind that counseling is only as effective as the effort expended by both parties. If your husband is not willing to be open, honest, and communicative during the sessions, then it will not be successful. Regardless of what anyone says, only YOU will know when enough is enough for you. I have a girlfriend that divorced her husband because he called her a stupid a--hole during the course of one argument. I know another that has been slapped, kicked, punched, pushed and demeaned in the worse ways and is still going seven years "strong". What you are willing to tolerate based on your intimate knowledge of your marriage will most assuredly differ than any advice we can offer. Good luck and best wishes in your decisions, but just keep in mind raising children in a household with two parents does not guarantee stability. Raising children in a healthy, loving environment regardless of whether it is with one or two parents does.
Sorry VaFury, haven't been right in this thread lately, I was talking about a man who was with a child for what looks like at least 4 years, then found out it was not his. The child, and he thought for all that time he was the father, I feel he did the right thing by still caring for the child.
Then.... My freedom is not like her freedom. He used free so many times, so, i put in a bit of my 'free'
I dont think it is a crock for a man to love a child for many years, thinking it is his own, to continue to care for it if he found it wasn't his.
However, what I do think is a crock, is to disregard that child like he never loved it, and the child never loved him. That...would be the crock.
I am not on a Womans rights rally...I am on a MY rights rally. If you need to take a train, thats on you.
BTW...did you completely read his post?
Yes I did.... Did you catch mine??? It's a crock for you to expect that from someone. The "right thing" is a VERY gray area in a situation like this. I think the man is going above and beyond what is expected of him. Sure he's developed love and affection for the children, but you don't think it might play havoc on the psyche to find out they aren't yours???
Perhaps I can see this for what it's worth and feel free to argue with out walking on eggshells because I have not ventured into your thread (not about to read over 1000 posts to catch up ) to see what your experience has been like.
What I do know is that I agree with you that I feel he did the right thing, but to act as though it was expected of him is, in my opinion, nothing short of putting too great of expectations on a jilted man and disrespecting what he's done by poo-pooing it as a "So what?? maintaining parental duties while the mother's off being a barfly after just recently finding out that these are not his biological children is to be expected."....
No, this is an extraordinarily good man here that does this. I think your comment belittled this.
Edit: And by 'Women's Rights Rally' I mean if this were a woman this board would be singing her praises in unison most likely and not glossing over it as a "yeah, so???"
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Update at Last!
Hello everyone!
. I wanted to go to the coast to a different daughter's house while the kids were out of school a couplle of weeks ago and H and I ride the Harley, but he said we couldn't spare the money. Well, now we are taking the trip without him, which is better anyway, and he was receiving divorce papers! We had a great time, I got to destress for the upcoming court date, he was on a restraining order and never bothered anyone.
