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Sounds as though you are taking all the right steps. Some of us have been in your shoes and some of us have not, but we are all with you. Stay strong and focused.
Praying for you and that you husband gets an out-of-town job real soon!
Hi, I am bikermom's youngest daughter of her grown children. I lived with my mother and step-dad when I was still in high school, right around the time that they got married. He has always been a respectable man, but controlling like she said. I never felt emotionally abused by him personally, and it was hard for me to understand all of this when she first left him in the Spring. However, one of my sister's has a bachelor's in social work and a masters in psychology, and my best friend is also working on her master's in pysch. which has helped me to see how he could be labeled emotionally abusive.
He is old fashioned like she said, and very tight with his money. According to what my mom has said, he has not been very understanding about the adopted kid's learning disabilities. I personally think he has expected too much of them at times and that his old-fashioned punishment methods are not healthy for them at all. They have already been through enough than to have to sleep on the bathroom floor. While I sympathise with my step-dad, I do not agree that his punishment tactics were positve discipline for the children. I do not know if he expected them to keep their rooms clean all the time or not, but I know that I personally feel that children are going to have messy rooms probably the majority of their childhood. Yes I think they should learn the discipline of cleaning it, but I do not think making them sleep on the bathroom floor will turn them into super children who always keep their rooms clean.
His side of the story... Of course I cannot speak for him personally but all I can gather is that he seems to just be so stressed about money and he let that become a gap between my mom and him. He always said that he loved her, even when they were separated, but he does not seem to display his emotions very well. He did not seem to cherish her and show her he loved her. It seemed like just words. But it seemed that in his eyes he was "loving and cherishing her" by earning the money to put food on the table and provide a place to live. It seemed that her duties in his eyes were to be a housewife. According to her accounts, it seemed to me that she wasn't an equal in his eyes, but that he was over her instead. Hence the old-fashioned? I guess I'm not saying his side really well... I care for him deeply, but I am torn between the way he has parented these adopted children and the way he has treated my mother since throughout most of their marriage. I was sad that he didn't keep his promises after she left him in the spring. I was sure that he would go to church and seek counselling like he said. I am not sure why he didn't, maybe he still intended to but I do not know for sure.
What I want most of all and more than anything is for these children to grow up in a healthy, loving home preferably with two parents. I believe divorce should be only a last resort and only when abuse or adultry has happened. I do feel that they will not be as stressed as with just my mom as they were with him and her. I know they will experience a different kind of stress with the divorce involved.
Well, I guess I just wanted you all to hear from one of her grown daughters. I am thankful for your posts and encouragment to her because I know you did help her. We were all very concerned when we heard about the bathroom floor, and both of my older sisters wanted to call cps, and even my best friend, but they didn't because we knew that would cause even greater problems.(... and if you disagree you can have you're opinion, but my strong oppinion is that throwing these children back into this system would have caused more harm than good in this situation. CPS can make many ill judgements in my oppinion.)
These children are wonderful children, and I am blessed to have them in our family. I pray that more than anything they will know the love of Jesus and have God's love within this family, that He would heal them of their past hurts and grow them into men and women who love God with their whole heart and live in His will for their lives.
aimforit - I'm sure I'm speaking for many when I say *THANKS* for taking the time to share so much illuminating information about your family. Your words are wise, and you are obviously mature and caring.
Your mother has done a great job raising you! I can tell you love your mom very much. Thank you for sharing an intimate part of your life with us. We all do hope that she gets what she wants out of the marriage and the best for the kids too. It is hard sometimes being on the outside looking in even for a child. Continue your support because she needs that as well from you too.
I just have been in bikers position, and as much as my children did not want my husband and I to separate, and I do have a special needs child, on the high end of the Autism Spectrum, it was the better thing.
I suspect that the older dd is living on the outside of the situation, but has lived on the inside.
In my situation, in my life exp w my dh, I have what is called "outside Jim" and "inside Jim'
Outside he would do anything for anyone, a fine Christian man, tho he did not go to church, helped people, would give him the shirt off his back, that was outside. When he came inside, he treated us like what I will always compare it to as the dirt underneath his feet. We were inside.
He had let his behaviors slip while on the outside around my family, and in a restaraunt, etc, and the workers did not know what to do.
Outside, no one would know him as anything else but a hard working decent man, that would do anything for his family, or anyone else. Inside, we were belittled. We were emotionally battered. We would never be good enough, or up to his outside standards, I suppose.
But now, now we are good enough, no matter where we are. No matter what we do. We are good enough, and God still loves us, just as He did, and helped us through before.
We have always been good enough, but he(my husband) made us to feel that we were not.
According to what my mom has said, he has not been very understanding about the adopted kid's learning disabilities. I personally think he has expected too much of them at times and that his old-fashioned punishment methods are not healthy for them at all. They have already been through enough than to have to sleep on the bathroom floor. While I sympathise with my step-dad, I do not agree that his punishment tactics were positve discipline for the children. I do not know if he expected them to keep their rooms clean all the time or not, but I know that I personally feel that children are going to have messy rooms probably the majority of their childhood. Yes I think they should learn the discipline of cleaning it, but I do not think making them sleep on the bathroom floor will turn them into super children who always keep their rooms clean.
Well this is a detail that changes things a bit....
I don't necessarily, completely disagree with some spartan disciplinary tactics, but (depending on the type of disability, of course) there is no point... It's just cruel.
Sounds like your father/stepfather's (??) big mistake was to forego counciling. He really needs it in order to grasp an understanding of the situation and to be told by an outside party WHY his tactics are inappropriate here.....
You can't, however, teach to someone who refuses to sit and listen, so that's kinda that I suppose....
Thanks for sharing with us. Obviously to come here you must love and support your mother very much.
Perhaps the love has gone out of the relationship and the guy has some issues but after the daughters post can we get off the "he's a monster, run as far as you can" judgemental posts?
There are many bitter (and rightfully so) ladies that seem to have come from much worse situations coming into the thread and painting this guy like he's Hitler based on what they went through. I agree that he likely needs some work but for STEP daughters to not wade in with what a monster he is....and they know the guy....that might tell you something.
It may be cathartic, I certainly feel for the various posters situations but at what point does this thread turn into the demonization of someone you've never met? I am not shocked that step daughters (who is paying for their college?) might not be super keen on daddy #2 when he came into the picture after they were grown....I am surprised that they didn't paint him as bad as the mom did.
I am holding back some examples I've seen of this from the guys side of things...generally what happened to my cousins.....I'm wondering how someone from say....his side of the family might describe the situation?
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