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Meh. I feel like this is a maturity issue. I would never EVER want to get back with my favorite ex (or any of my other exes, for that matter), but... he comes up a lot in conversation. He was there at the major turning point of my life - everything I am today, he had a hand in. (And vice versa.) The things that happened during our relationship and its immediate aftermath were kind of crazy and over the top. I don't have any contact with him (haven't in over 5 years), but the two of us have always just wished good things for each other. I'm currently seeing a guy who gets that. He's a secure and mature adult. He's not worried that I'm pining for my ex.
Your girlfriend was with this guy for the better part of a decade, and you guys are only in your early 20s. OF COURSE he's going to come up in conversation pretty regularly and of course she's going to maintain ties to him. Their lives are tangled up together. If you can't accept that with equanimity, do yourselves both a favor and LET HER GO.
OP I do not think you are over reacting or being insecure. If the talk of her ex is as constant as you claim it to be, I think you have a legit complaint. Nothing is more frustrating than constant chatter about an ex. Other posters have noted the history she has with this guy cannot be overlooked and they are right. But at the same time, it sounds like she is focussing on a relationship she doesn't have and potentially at the expense of one she does have. Sit her down and talk to her about it again. Don't say you don't like him, make the discussion about the two of you. Ask if there is something you need to improve upon as well. Be tactful and sincere. You need to connect with her on why it bothers you.
She may not be doing it on purpose, so don't give her a reason to be defensive. Don't bring this up while frustrated, for example right after she tells a story about him. You will appear reactive and given to your emotions. Wait an hour or two or a day even then ask if you can talk. Say, "I've been thinking a lot about this..."
Lastly I'll share with you that I one had a girlfriend who did the same thing. Incessant talk about previous boyfriends to the extent that I felt I wa in a competition with them. This talk eventually turned into outright comparisons. "well Austin never would have done that..." that's no way to live in a relationship. You can probably imagine how healthy that relationship was.
If she is in it with you, she'll respect your concerns. At the same time, you need to make an effort to respect her past. An if she closes you off from discussing how you feel about this, be concerned. Be very concerned.
OP I do not think you are over reacting or being insecure. If the talk of her ex is as constant as you claim it to be, I think you have a legit complaint. Nothing is more frustrating than constant chatter about an ex. Other posters have noted the history she has with this guy cannot be overlooked and they are right. But at the same time, it sounds like she is focussing on a relationship she doesn't have and potentially at the expense of one she does have. .
Yeah I agree with you specially that last sentence, because the way I look at it I wouldn't talk about an ex that i am supposedly over and risk a new relationship with someone who has already expressed discomfort with the topic.
Last time she mentioned him I tried to stay calm and told her I wasnt a therapist and couldnt explain why he did the things he did to her, which by the way a lot of bullsh*t and i don't understand why she even still talks about him after the stuff he did.
The more posts I read the more I think I'm just the rebound guy
. Their lives are tangled up together. If you can't accept that with equanimity, do yourselves both a favor and LET HER GO.
Yep that's what im afraid of. I dont think I can deal with that. And it sucks cause I'm really invested in the relationship. We've even gone on dates with her 9 yr old niece, who by the way loves me, and we have a great time every time. She's told me that her niece is like her daughter and that Im the first bf that she's wanted her to meet and get to know. Man I really don't know what to do.
That's a lot of memories, and many people don't remember the bad, but they choose to remember the good. That's why thoughts of ex's are so impactful, because you spend so much time focused on the fun that you had.
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I think thats what shes doing because I know she still sees him in a positive light even after the bs that he's done. The worst by far is that when she fell ill and was in the hospital for 3 days, he never went to visit her. She actually called him and said she felt really ill, scared and lonely (her parents live out of state and couldn't fly down). She asked him to come see her for a little while, and keep in mind the a hole lives not 5 minutes from the hospital she was in, and his response was something along the lines of "i cant because i made plans to go somewhere with my friends". She told me this with tears in her eyes and at that point I knew this guy had really done a number on her.
So I ask you ladies, what is it with some women and jerks???
No it is not. They are on the fence and hesitant about moving on and most likely will run back to their ex if their ex wants them back. They will be comparing you to their ex all of the time.
I read somewhere once that it basically takes a person one week for every month they were together to heal from the past relationship. Obviously this isn't true in all cases and many people have checked out of a relationship long before it was over. But, generally the longer the relationship, the longer it's going to take to be really ready for another relationship.
I have been thinking whether I should break up with my gf or if im just being jealous and insecure.
We met 4 months ago and have been bf and gf just over a month. She is smart, educated, outgoing, and fun to be with. I really care about her and we have fun together and the sex is great.
The downside is her ex and her feelings towards him which she denies. She is 24 and met her ex at around 15 years old so there is a lot of history between them. She stopped seeing him shortly after we met because she said they hadnt been in a serious relationship in years and would just see each other for sex and little more, which needless to say felt like a kick in the balls. In the beginning of our relationship she talked about him a lot and that p*ssed me off, I mean once I get it, twice its ok, three times or more, wtf you're supposed to be with me right? And i told her that i didnt like talking about her ex because i didn't care for him. She tried to play it off and said i didnt need to worry because he was in her past and he had never been good for her and wanted to start a serious relationship with me.
Well now its been four months and I know she still thinks about him and even told me she included him in a text she sent to a bunch of friends wishing everyone a happy valentines day which really upset me but i did not make a big deal out of it. His response to her text was something like "Hey happy vday to you too and hope things are working out with your new man" to which she did not respond. But why text him in the first place??? Anyways I feel like she will never get over him and will never love me as much as i love her. Should I let her go???
For all the “anger” you feel I have yet to see you mention “Addressing it”
Okay, facts? She was with this guy for a long time..it did not work for one reason or another…however there was still sex involved…
Now fast forward to 4 months ago,…you have been “talking” and “together” for one month?
And she has mentioned him more than several times? She sent a v-day text to others including him and he stated he hoped you two were doing well? So you know it is not coming from his end…
It is her end…she may not have gotten over him..this may be a reality..
But you are not a mute..you can and have the right to ask her if she has feelings for him that interferes with your relationship..
You seem to have not ask her this, why? As a new b/f and for this to be reoccurring theme? A valid question..
However be prepared for truth…
You deserve someone who is completely invested in you and no one else…
Good luck..
You are in charge of your own destiny..
For all the “anger” you feel I have yet to see you mention “Addressing it”
Okay, facts? She was with this guy for a long time..it did not work for one reason or another…however there was still sex involved…
Now fast forward to 4 months ago,…you have been “talking” and “together” for one month?
And she has mentioned him more than several times? She sent a v-day text to others including him and he stated he hoped you two were doing well? So you know it is not coming from his end…
It is her end…she may not have gotten over him..this may be a reality..
But you are not a mute..you can and have the right to ask her if she has feelings for him that interferes with your relationship..
You seem to have not ask her this, why? As a new b/f and for this to be reoccurring theme? A valid question..
However be prepared for truth…
You deserve someone who is completely invested in you and no one else…
Good luck..
You are in charge of your own destiny..
Thanks for the advice. I have asked her about her feelings towards him since she first mentioned him and she said that she would never go back to him if he got on his knees and begged which made me feel good then and I also asked if she felt ready for a serious relationship and said yes. However as you can see this issue still bothers me so I guess I need to sit down with her and have a heart o heart conversation before I make any decision.
Thanks for the advice. I have asked her about her feelings towards him since she first mentioned him and she said that she would never go back to him if he got on his knees and begged which made me feel good then and I also asked if she felt ready for a serious relationship and said yes. However as you can see this issue still bothers me so I guess I need to sit down with her and have a heart o heart conversation before I make any decision.
The problem w/ this, is you will never know for sure if anyone is over their ex, no matter what they say. It doesn't matter if they openly talk about them, or never speak a word about it. People rarely admit to things like that, & that's the harsh truth right there.
One thing is for certain, you're not over her ex, and may possibly never be. Talking about it more and more will only keep it more on your mind....
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