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Im wondering about this...as a turn-off or disconerting...
I was in a long term relationship (22 -23 years, depending on how you count it) and my partner passed away back in the Fall of 2009, so it's been a few years.
I have not been actively looking at dating, but a recent thing has become more serious. However, I find myself maybe talking or mentioning my late partner perhaps too much. I don't talk about him specifically, but more about the things we did....as in "Oh, we used to go here a lot, you might like this place..." etc (like going to music venues, restaurants, etc).
The person I've been seeing mentioned "He' must have meant a lot to you..." or something similar, which was sort of a caution flag to me to maybe start to reorient my thinking or how I look at things....
I think this is maybe too much "living in the past" and need to make a new way with this (potentially) new love interest. But its hard to 'forget' about 22 years together in this town with someone else There are memories associated with places. Maybe I should just not mention the memory and approach the experience as fresh...
...as in "Let me show this spot..." and just leave it at that. Not mention the memory, and make new experiences.
Of course he meant a lot to you. You were together over 20 years and the only reason you're not together now is because he passed away. That was kind of a stupid question/comment by your partner, if you ask me.
Dating someone who is widowed (or whose partner passed) is a completely different dynamic than dating someone who is divorced or split by choice from a long-term relationship. A part of you will always belong to your partner who died, whereas in a divorce or break-up the goal is to reclaim that part of you that your ex held.
If your new partner doesn't understand that, he probably shouldn't be in the unique situation he's in.
It's really hard because you lost your partner to death, not by choice, so if he was alive, you'd still be together. That is tough to reconcile. But yes, at the same time, you don't want to chase away new potential relationships by mentioning your deceased partner too often.
I'm divorced, and I don't mention my ex often at all. I find that I refer to things "I" bought or places "I" went thinking maybe it lessens it somehow to not refer to it as "we". The reality is most of us have pasts with other people and we can't pretend we didn't. Good for you for picking up on that comment, but I also think it would be wrong to pretend like every experience is new for you too.
My wife was in a prior marriage which had become very toxic. I have never discouraged her from speaking of it if she felt the need to either.
I am comfortable with knowing where her heart and desire is (being with me). I also do not mind knowing her past, because I love who she is today her past is the things that make her the person I do love today!
Plus, it has helped her heal and move on from the most trying experiences.
Maybe be careful you don't dwell too much on the past, or make him feel like you are not interested in him because you are stuck in the past. It is ok to talk about what you did, and he will be comfortable with that when he is comfortable you are interested in having fun and sharing new experiences with him too!
I've been widowed slightly longer than you (Feb 2008) though we only had 8 years together-which at the time of his death was half my adult life. I haven't really dated either-there was a brief on/off thing 2.5 years ago but that's it. I have made a lot of new friends since then, however, both male and female. It is hard to not mention things we did together as things just I did-mainly because it feels like I'm discounting his memory to do so and my biggest fear since he died is that people will forget he existed. And as was mentioned by another poster, I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for the role he played in my life-both while alive and in the effects of his death.
I won't pretend he didn't exist to make someone else happy. I know myself well enough to know if I felt like I couldn't acknowledge that part of my life, I would ultimately resent the person who made me feel that way. The things we did together are facts of my life, just like they have things they did with other people. Now, that's not to say I mention him all the time or go into a detailed explanation. I did when he first died, but I find now that I pretty much only mention things we did when I don't want to give a misleading impression that I did something alone that I didn't. Other things I have found ways to indirectly answered though they are still half-truths. ("I have lived here for X years," vs "We bought the house in 2005," or "They (the dogs) were adopted as puppies in 2002" vs "We got them...." for example).
Part of it too could be you're caught between moving forward and still having the past close at hand-it's getting further behind you but you can still clearly see it in your rear view mirror-it's hard to let go and it's scary to make that leap into the unknown future when the safe, secure, and familiar past is still within grasp. I would tell the new guy something along the lines that yes, he was a big part of your life and you can't discount that, but that you're also looking forward and that includes making new memories.
Yeah, if he mentioned "he must have liked this place a lot" and you felt that the new guy is uncomfortable and that is why he said it, I'd not mention it and later when you tell your friends about your date, you can say my Husband and I used to go there. Go with your gut on this.
Im wondering about this...as a turn-off or disconerting...
I was in a long term relationship (22 -23 years, depending on how you count it) and my partner passed away back in the Fall of 2009, so it's been a few years.
I have not been actively looking at dating, but a recent thing has become more serious. However, I find myself maybe talking or mentioning my late partner perhaps too much. I don't talk about him specifically, but more about the things we did....as in "Oh, we used to go here a lot, you might like this place..." etc (like going to music venues, restaurants, etc).
The person I've been seeing mentioned "He' must have meant a lot to you..." or something similar, which was sort of a caution flag to me to maybe start to reorient my thinking or how I look at things....
I think this is maybe too much "living in the past" and need to make a new way with this (potentially) new love interest. But its hard to 'forget' about 22 years together in this town with someone else There are memories associated with places. Maybe I should just not mention the memory and approach the experience as fresh...
...as in "Let me show this spot..." and just leave it at that. Not mention the memory, and make new experiences.
Any comments or similar experiences?
How can you have 22 years together in a town with another man in a relationship after posting this? You're not 28 years old anymore?
You'll likely discover, if you haven't already, that a new partner can be jealous of your late partner. It sounds silly on the outset, that anyone would be jealous of a dead person, but they'll see him as someone who occupies your heart and mind. They may not think they're "jealous", but in many senses of the word they are.
The less new partners hear about what "we" did, the easier it is for them. That doesn't mean you can never mention their name or what you did, but I'd suggest toning it back as much as you're comfortable doing. Example:
You're asked, "Have you ever been to McDonalds?"
"Yes, I used to go there quite often." You can just leave off the "with my late partner." It's simply not needed. Don't lie about it if asked who you went there with, but you needn't always volunteer that information either.
We who are left behind after a loved one's death like to talk about him/her. It's natural. We have tons of pleasant memories that we like to relive, but a new love interest would rather not be constantly reminded of that. It took me awhile to grasp that fact and leave her out of the conversation as much as possible. It's been nearly 17 years since my late wife's death, and I'd still like to talk more about my memories of her, but I've learned that it's not what my "new" wife wants to hear. As time passes and you spend more time with the new interest, it's easier, because you have your own memories to talk about.
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