Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can't blame the guy. I don't think I could handle a LDR and only seeing my GF a hand full of times over the course of 6 years or more. At least he was upfront and honest with you.
I honestly think it was a combination of all 3 – except the part about him being wise beyond his years; I'm not buying that part .
As far as the ex not being ready for marriage, most (but not all) military girlfriends want or expect to eventually become military wives (surely the thought had entered your mind at least once or twice during your relationship; we all know women who dream of bragging to their friends and family about being stationed overseas in Italy, Spain, or Germany with their military husbands), however, most (but not all) young military men have little to no interest in adding a wife to their already hectic lifestyle. Establishing their military career is their number one priority.
I think you should just concentrate on college (if you're enrolled, and hopefully you are), your hobbies, your career, your friends and family, and most of all, concentrate on you and your well-being.
You should take a month or two off from dating to regroup and recharge, and then get back out there and find yourself a new boyfriend. Easy, breezy, done .
I'll go against the grain and say that what you experienced has less to do with your ex being with a military man, and much closer to everything to do with his being a YOUNG man, regardless of career path.
Yes, the military is hard on relationships. Yes, deployments, mobilizations, etc. pose challenges for relationships, PARTICULARLY new-ish ones, or ones involving young people...as do overseas trainings, and many of the other demands of the military lifestyle. My SO is a Navy Chief and a veteran of Iraq/Afghanistan. I met him when he was YEARS into his service, though...not when things were new and all the big lifestyle adjustments were being made. I see the young men and women with whom he has an advising/mentoring relationship, though...have been a guest at young military weddings...have seen guys about to go away wanting advising about what they should do about the fact that they have this GF at home and they don't want anything to go wrong, but what if something does, etc. I see the relationship drama. It's the same relationship drama that ALL young people have, magnified by the intensity of starting out in the military and all the life changes that means. But people who are solid in their relationships retain their relationships. They're not the ones who struggle.
Bottom line is that if somebody is ready for you to be a part of their lives, they'll keep you as part of their lives. No matter what. If they aren't doing that, they're not as ready as you (and maybe they) hoped they were.
I'll go against the grain and say that what you experienced has less to do with your ex being with a military man, and much closer to everything to do with his being a YOUNG man, regardless of career path. ....
Bottom line is that if somebody is ready for you to be a part of their lives, they'll keep you as part of their lives. No matter what. If they aren't doing that, they're not as ready as you (and maybe they) hoped they were.
I wish, I had seen this post 5 years ago when posted! If he hasn't already had the courage to do so, you'll at least hear from him once. If the two of you can re-kindle things, then that's wonderful. A good girlfriend is a rock for a young man in Basic Training and he owes much of his success to you! Even if you've moved on, be sure to hear him if he does contact you. Let him say what he needs to say. At the same time, to the guys out there in the military who still carry a torch for the girl they hurt. If you feel it's not too late to rekindle, try and at the same time, be patient with her. Also, be careful who you're having other relationships with as they may change the course for you and make a second chance impossible. Below is a short version of my story and I'm sure many other men and women have similar.
When I was in high school (30+ years ago), I had a wonderful relationship with a boy a 2-3 years older then me, by the name of Tom. He was the nicest guy, I had ever dated and we really got each other! I was 16 and he was 19. He was my first love, my forever love. Tom joined the Air Force and we were both so optimistic about our relationship. I never had one doubt about not being with him later. We wrote to each other several times a week and he called me with a pocket of quarters from a pay phone every Sunday. The Air Force allowed that back in the 80's. I still have his letters.
Needless to say, when he came home from Basic Training, he was all motivated and happy. He had a new independence, confidence, but we were both two different people. We went out several times, had a great time, but I was too naive to see it coming. A few days before he was due to leave for his first post, he told me that he felt it best that we see other people. He said, "you're still in high school and I want you to have fun and enjoy it". "I want you to go to Prom and not sit around waiting for me". I was DEVASTATED! Heartbroken, I cried desperately and begged him to please not break up with me! He told me not to worry, that he didn't mean what he had said and told me we'll go out again before he left. Needless to say, he didn't call me. He moved on...
Like you, I recounted in my head over and over as to what went wrong. Looking back, I blamed myself and felt like I wasn't good enough for him. He is the one who changed! The Military does that to people. They break you down and build you up! Depression overtook me and I began dating guys who were total jerks. Along the way, I made some bad choices. I had no self confidence whatsoever. My mother was almost beside herself because I cried so often. She didn't know what to do. I came from a divorced family and Tom's parent's were still together. My mother felt his parent's encouraged the break-up. A few months went by and he called me one evening. When I heard his voice, I said, "Tom, you didn't say good-bye". He told me, "I'm so very sorry"! "I didn't know what else to do". What's interesting, I wasn't angry with him. I wanted him to be happy, but at the same time I was numb. After that call, I'd get a letter occasionally, but he was living his life and I had to finish school. Life goes on...
The summer when I graduated, he came home on leave and asked me out on a date. I agreed to go and I remember it was a stormy night and we went to the Drive In of all places to talk and to be alone. Needless to say, the feelings came back for both of us, but I don't think either one of us trusted how we felt. He was leaving to be stationed in Panama, and I had my own life to get on with. I did get a letter or two from him that first year he was in Panama and I wrote him a couple of times to say "hi". One night, that first year while he was in Panama, he called me. He told me that he had a dream about me and that he still loved me. I didn't know what to say. At the time, I was dating yet another jerk of a boyfriend, but I wanted to hear what Tom had to say. In the meantime, we had a bad connection and he had to call me back a few times during the conversation. All of which, woke up my mother and she was yelling at me to hang up the phone. She told me I'm a fool for taking his call. She's screaming and yelling while I was trying to listen to him and we were disconnected yet again. I unplugged the phone, to save myself from listening to my mother.
A few weeks later, I received a letter from Tom. He tried several times more that evening to reach me and was devastated that I didn't pick up the phone. He told me all kinds of things in that letter, including how sorry he was to have treated me so badly. That he still loved me and will until the day he dies. He told me that he will find me the next time he came home. Again, not knowing what to believe or if I should trust him. I ignored the letter and went on with my life.
Just over a year passed and sure enough, he shows up at a dance club where I was with a bunch of friends. Tom was home on leave for Thanksgiving and made a point to try and find me. At this point, I was in love with another guy, who had broken up with me (see the pattern) and Tom was the last guy, I wanted to see, but he persisted. We talked much of the night, but I was so very angry with him and told him that I didn't want him at all. I asked him if he had a girlfriend back in Panama and he said, he had been seeing someone. A Panamanian girl, but he had told her that he was coming back for me. I told him, not to bother with me and said go back to the girl in Panama. However we talked almost all night long. We did decide to plan a date while he was home over the next few days. The feelings for me were starting to come back, but I still didn't trust him.
A day or two pass, before our date and a girlfriend of mine gave me a call and said she had run into Tom at a dance club the night before. I told her that he and I did reconnect and that we were going to have dinner that night. She told me, "don't go out with him!" When I asked her, "why". She said, just trust me, don't!
Shortly after my conversation with my friend, Tom called to see what time he can pick me up. I proceeded to tell him, that I wasn't going to go out with him. When he asked me, why? I told him to ask my girlfriend who he ran into the night before. I then hung up the phone! That moment, changed my life!
I found out about a year later, that he did marry that girl from Panama. They had a baby together. Off and on, as the years have passed, I'll run into him. The first few times, he would always apologize to me. Sometimes, we chat quickly and other times we just stare at each other. Usually, when he's with his wife he won't speak to me. He told me once, that he promised her that he never would. We both have families, he's still married to the girl from Panama. So, something must have been right about that.
Time has a funny way of presenting different points of view as one gets older. For instance, even if his parent's had encouraged him to break up with me. He was right to do so. I don't agree with the cowardly way he left without saying good-bye, but he did try to break up face to face. He cared about me and I know he loved me.
Over the last few years, my mother has since become friends with his mother! They have never mentioned the fact that their two children were boyfriend and girlfriend. However, his mother talks about Tom often and told my mom about the time he was in the Air Force and he came home from Panama to rekindle his relationship with his girlfriend back home and marry her. While he was home that Thanksgiving, the girl from Panama called him to tell him she was pregnant. His mother went on to say that he was devastated.
Often times, I wondered if her pregnancy was intentional, by her. However, in the end, it doesn't matter because he was a willing participant. Like I said before, he is still married to her, so obviously they're okay and love each other. I do know had I not hung up that phone, I probably would've fallen head over heels again. Only to leave myself heartbroken upon finding out about the pregnant girlfriend!
Also, the friend of mine who I had mentioned earlier, she and I went on without staying in-touch. We reconnected 2 or 3 years ago. We had drinks one night and I asked her, what was it that Tom had done that night she'd seen him. She blankly stared at me and said, "I have no idea". Imagine how foolish, I feel!
They say first loves are forever with you. The love I had and still have for Tom will always exist. Sometimes, I still have a little heartbreak when I think about all of this. He definitely left a mark on me. I learned a lot from him and over the years, I continue to do so. I'm very blessed too! I have three wonderful kids and I love my husband, who loves me dearly. I'll always want Tom to be happy and I pray often for blessings, for he and his family.
I honestly think it was a combination of all 3 – except the part about him being wise beyond his years; I'm not buying that part .
As far as the ex not being ready for marriage, most (but not all) military girlfriends want or expect to eventually become military wives (surely the thought had entered your mind at least once or twice during your relationship; we all know women who dream of bragging to their friends and family about being stationed overseas in Italy, Spain, or Germany with their military husbands), however, most (but not all) young military men have little to no interest in adding a wife to their already hectic lifestyle. Establishing their military career is their number one priority.
I think you should just concentrate on college (if you're enrolled, and hopefully you are), your hobbies, your career, your friends and family, and most of all, concentrate on you and your well-being.
You should take a month or two off from dating to regroup and recharge, and then get back out there and find yourself a new boyfriend. Easy, breezy, done .
I was a military wife for seven years. We did the whole shebang--he joined up and we got married over his BMT Christmas break before AIT. We were stationed overseas. He had a long deployment. And etc. We were in love before he joined up, but he didn't handle the changes well as he struggled with anxiety, so it was hard on him.
Notice I say I *was* a military wife. The military places relationships under an enormous amount of strain. Many, many, many don't make it. And most times, it is not due to 'distance.' It is due, at least in our case, to any number of other factors--domestic violence or cheating (I saw a huge number fail due to cheating -- mine included--and also knew some women in violent situations; both these situations are often under-reported because it risks the very source of the dependant spouse or family income in many situations as the soldier can be court martialed for these types of indiscretions. Ironically, most often the cheating happened when they were both at a 'home' station, not deployed or apart). PTSD--this is HUGE. So many come back with this and so many take it out on their families and lack adequate care for the diagnosis. It played a role in our own failure of marriage. Alcoholism and/or drug addictions. Alcohol was also a factor in ours, as he used it to deal with his increasing anxiety and PTSD. I knew a civilian who lived overseas and I worked with her; she said in her 25 years living there she had seen almost every single friend of hers in the military go through a divorce. It was the same in my circle of friends--every co-worker I had at my overseas employment, save one, has returned to the states divorced for one or all of these issues, and a number from my stateside station as well. Not to mention financial strain. Many enlisted soldiers are not paid much despite the misconception that they are, and as the dependent spouse it is often career-killing to move every two or three years, which means you are also paid far less than you are worth, if you are able to get hired at all. Many employers, if they suspect you are military, shy away from hiring in the first place, knowing you could leave at any moment and will inevitably only be able to give a year or two of solid work before you have to leave. The young marriages fail more often it seems, but I have seen veteran ones fail as well.
That said, I know there are some wonderful, solid military marriages. I personally loved the life. You make the strongest friendships imaginable. People are supportive and wonderful and the community is like no other. But I won't consider dating or marrying into it again due to these factors that increase the risk of divorce exponentially. It is now an automatic dealbreaker to me.
I think he was wise to realize sooner rather than later that stats are not in your favor. I am sorry for your pain though, because it does suck. Better now than later. Take a break and discover yourself again, and then get back out there!
Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 04-15-2018 at 08:50 PM..
Many women and men have affairs while their partners are enlisted in the military and serving abroad. He’s just protecting himself.
And as many do the same while they're off serving, and either conceal it from the partner waiting back at home, or break things off while gone or upon return.
There are two sides to that coin.
At any rate, strong marriages/relationships with two committed partners last. Ones where the relationship isn't strong and commitment is shaky do not. Bottom line. It's true of military and non-military.
Militany is its own culture with its own challenges. I'm a military spouse. I've seen all manner of military marriages, and there is no one kind of marriage. Just like in any walk of life, you've got your ones that people work at, that are highly valued, where partners are truly committed. And you've got those where that's less the case.
Also, one reason military marriages get a bad rap for lasting is because they overall skew very young...much younger than the general population. And that in and of itself is a major factor in risk for failure, regardless of the population being discussed.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. 
.
