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I have noticed that when you suggest that a person lower his/her standards to find a mate, people dont take too kindly to that. I see it online all of the time, but here is a recent IRL example so that I don't seem like I am picking on someone here:
Male friend (very attractive, 50, broke): I don't know what it is, I just keep striking out with women. I used to be able to get all the girls in their 20s that I wanted, now I can't even do well in a room of women in their 30s.
Me: Sounds like you have aged out of your desires. It happens to everyone eventually, unless of course you are filthy rich. Time to lower your standards if you want someone.
Male friend: No way, I am not going to lower my standards!
It seems to me, if you have a certain idea of the type of person you must be with (your standards), but you strike out with them every single time, your standards are out of wack. But no one wants to hear it. Why is that? Is it pride? Ego? Is it difficult to admit that you aren't as awesome as you think you are, so instead you walk around thinking you deserve the very best?
I think it's a combo of things. I think most of us while we err young were advised to reach for the stars, and 'anything is achievable'. Through life experience and maturing, we learn that while we can't achieve everything, we should still try to obtain the best possible of whatever it is we seek.
I also think it is different for men and women. Mostly due to socialization.
For me, I was an extremely healthy, relatively normal teenager. I had all the family 'handsome' compliments. But there's a different in complemented by mommy, and being called hot or cute or good looking by the kind of person that each of us are physically attracted to.
Im my situation, I felt in my teens and early 20's that I was a good catch for qualities a,b,c. Through life experience, I saw woman after woman pick the OTHER guy. I changed my look, I changed my approach, I changed my communication style. Nothing helped. And then there were some friends that had no problem dating what-so-ever. Looking back, I know I made a mistake on mishandling some opportunities to date some attractive decent women. Some of you may scoff, and say "that happens all the time." But for me over the years, I have had very very few attractive quality women express genuine interest in me.
Had I lowered my standards in my early 20's and recognized that my standards were way too high, perhaps I would not be single today.
If there there is consistantcy between meeting, dating, and having relationships with people that you find attractive, then a pattern can be recognized, and standrards can be set. Some guys (like the guy in the OP) and gals enjoy this success 'too much', and then wake up one day realizing they are alone, and now they have a huge chance of spending the next 30-40 years of their life alone because they waited for Mr. or Ms. Perfect for too long, all the while using and throwing away some potential excellent partners. They do so because they can. Most of that 30-40 alone time will mean they are truely mostly alone, instead of alone, but with a never ending beavy of interested partners to date and have fun with that they 'enjoyed' in their 20's and 30's. But I have a feeling, that those people had a hell of a life experience in those 20's and 30's.
He doesn't.
But even if he did, if no 20-something is willing to date him, then he has two choices - give up on the idea of having children and remain alone, or accept an older woman (35ish) who desperate to have a child.
Do you see some other magical solution that doesn't involve lowering his standards?
He doesn't.
But even if he did, if no 20-something is willing to date him, then he has two choices - give up on the idea of having children and remain alone, or accept an older woman (35ish) who desperate to have a child.
Do you see some other magical solution that doesn't involve lowering his standards?
"Perky boobs" should be a "Nice To Have" feature, not a "Must Have".
I think it's a combo of things. I think most of us while we err young were advised to reach for the stars, and 'anything is achievable'. Through life experience and maturing, we learn that while we can't achieve everything, we should still try to obtain the best possible of whatever it is we seek.
I also think it is different for men and women. Mostly due to socialization.
For me, I was an extremely healthy, relatively normal teenager. I had all the family 'handsome' compliments. But there's a different in complemented by mommy, and being called hot or cute or good looking by the kind of person that each of us are physically attracted to.
Im my situation, I felt in my teens and early 20's that I was a good catch for qualities a,b,c. Through life experience, I saw woman after woman pick the OTHER guy. I changed my look, I changed my approach, I changed my communication style. Nothing helped. And then there were some friends that had no problem dating what-so-ever. Looking back, I know I made a mistake on mishandling some opportunities to date some attractive decent women. Some of you may scoff, and say "that happens all the time." But for me over the years, I have had very very few attractive quality women express genuine interest in me.
Had I lowered my standards in my early 20's and recognized that my standards were way too high, perhaps I would not be single today.
If there there is consistantcy between meeting, dating, and having relationships with people that you find attractive, then a pattern can be recognized, and standrards can be set. Some guys (like the guy in the OP) and gals enjoy this success 'too much', and then wake up one day realizing they are alone, and now they have a huge chance of spending the next 30-40 years of their life alone because they waited for Mr. or Ms. Perfect for too long, all the while using and throwing away some potential excellent partners. They do so because they can. Most of that 30-40 alone time will mean they are truely mostly alone, instead of alone, but with a never ending beavy of interested partners to date and have fun with that they 'enjoyed' in their 20's and 30's. But I have a feeling, that those people had a hell of a life experience in those 20's and 30's.
You can't wait for "attractive quality women" to show interest in you unless you are extremely good looking or are rich. Those women are being heavily pursued as it is, they have no need to express interest in you. Your problem may not have been standards, it may have been an inability to pursue.
How old are you? Surely you have time to find someone now.
You can't wait for "attractive quality women" to show interest in you unless you are extremely good looking or are rich. Those women are being heavily pursued as it is, they have no need to express interest in you. Your problem may not have been standards, it may have been an inability to pursue.
How old are you? Surely you have time to find someone now.
Ha, I have been rejected while persueing attractive quality women plenty of times over the years. You will have to trust me on that one. I wasn't standing in the corner in my teens and 20's waiting for things to happen.
And, FWIW, I know and have personnaly witnessed plenty of attractive successful women persue guys and chase them enough times to know that some guys CAN stand there and wait for the women to come to them.
My opinions are not based off of sitting behind a monitor and expressing my idea of how life is. My opinions are based off of alot of life experience in which I exposed myself to different situations, people, and even some different cultures. Granted I'm not worldly by any means, but I have been aroind the block enough times to know that a makeover and the 'ol college try' is not all I need to find the kind of person I had set my standards on when I was in my early 20's.
I'm in my mid 30's, and I have been dating, and lately, I have significantly lowered my standards. Time will tell how it all works out. Also, the honest truth is, I am ok with not being with someone. It would be nice to be in a relationship, but it isn't really something I require, or 'need' at this point in my life.
Ha, I have been rejected while persueing attractive quality women plenty of times over the years. You will have to trust me on that one. I wasn't standing in the corner in my teens and 20's waiting for things to happen.
And, FWIW, I know and have personnaly witnessed plenty of attractive successful women persue guys and chase them enough times to know that some guys CAN stand there and wait for the women to come to them.
My opinions are not based off of sitting behind a monitor and expressing my idea of how life is. My opinions are based off of alot of life experience in which I exposed myself to different situations, people, and even some different cultures. Granted I'm not worldly by any means, but I have been aroind the block enough times to know that a makeover and the 'ol college try' is not all I need to find the kind of person I had set my standards on when I was in my early 20's.
I'm in my mid 30's, and I have been dating, and lately, I have significantly lowered my standards. Time will tell how it all works out. Also, the honest truth is, I am ok with not being with someone. It would be nice to be in a relationship, but it isn't really something I require, or 'need' at this point in my life.
You are in your mid 30s and are still having problems getting into a relationship? Something's amiss. Do you have a halfway decent job for your area? Are you at least average looking in terms of general looks, body fat and height? Have you lowered your standards from way too high to merely too high?
It seems to me, if you have a certain idea of the type of person you must be with (your standards), but you strike out with them every single time, your standards are out of wack. But no one wants to hear it. Why is that? Is it pride? Ego? Is it difficult to admit that you aren't as awesome as you think you are, so instead you walk around thinking you deserve the very best?
Yes , ego, I think. People come up with this "concept of self" that sustains the feeling that they have value. It's not real, and it's not always accurate, but it is an identity.
In his case, the line, "I used to be able to get all the girls in their 20s that I wanted," shows you how he views his own identity. That's who he thinks he is. (Which may seem obvious, but it is important.)
"You're not the person you used to be," is basically how I'd say it, if I felt compelled to convince someone to lower their standards -- but fortunately I don't think I've had to cross that bridge before. The key there is not to lie to him, but to (A) First indulge him, buy into the "fact" that his self-identity WAS accurate, and (B) address the basic fact that his 'concept of self' no longer matches the reality.
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