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If you've gone into this relationship with the thought of changing her then you've already failed. You have two choices. Accept her with her limitations and baggage or find someone else. It is what it is.
if you've gone into this relationship with the thought of changing her then you've already failed. You have two choices. Accept her with her limitations and baggage or find someone else. It is what it is.
I will try to give as much details as possible to get more insight from people on these boards, all while maintaining respect for this girl, because she is quite special to me... but this situation is frustrating and I need advice.
I am twenty-five and have been dating this girl for six months. She is still in college and when I met her she had the reputation of being quite hard to get. She had dated dozens of guys for extremely short periods of time and was known for making out with a different guy every weekend at the bars downtown. I took it on me to tame her and it has lead me down a very odd path. From the get-go she warned me that she had never legitimately liked a guy she had dated and got into relationships without thinking about it, only to break each guys heart within the first three months. I didn't flinch at her warnings though, continuing to stay confident and unfazed.
Things started great, even though she was very reserved at first and it took her a while to open up. She refused to put a label on what we were but that didn't bother me because we seemed to spend every waking moment together. We would go out, we would stay in, I pretty much lived at her apartment, and I became friends with all of her friends. Despite staying at her house, however, we didn't have sex for the first few months because I wanted to show her that she meant more to me than just the physical attraction I had for her.
When we did start having sex she was very passionate and affectionate the first few weeks to month.. however I have started noticing things that are very troubling to me. For the first few weeks of dating, we made out often however now that we have grown close we don't kiss hardly at all. I must not have noticed originally because we started only having sex in the dark, but she never opens her eyes during sex and the frequency of these physical encounters has fallen from almost every night to once every few weeks. I attempted oral sex a few times but she pulls me up and tells me she is not yet comfortable with me like that. When we do have sex we kiss but nothing open mouth, which we use to do at the onset of the relationship.
About a month ago I brought up the fact that she has made out with dozens of guys in the past years but won't hardly kiss the guy she has been with the longest in her life. She said that actually dating someone is more intimate and that is where her problems come from. I have started noticing little things and how little she initiates any physical contact at all whatsoever. She still wants to spend a lot of time together but there is no intimacy, and it really bothers me. I asked if she even wants to continue dating to which she stated that she is starting to think that what we had actually meant something, and she did, but physical intimacy is just very hard for her.
Let me preface this paragraph by stating that she is a very athletic girl. She is a huge sports fan, and quite a bit of a tomboy in many ways... growing up on a farm. She lives in a very rural area where alternative lifestyles would be frowned upon. She has made several comments while drunk about how beautiful a few of her girl friends friends are, and stated a desire to make out with them if nobody was looking. I'm not sure if she was just being silly or this is a suppressed desire of hers. I've also began noticing little comments that I thought were a bit off that she has stated all along about beautiful women... but she also says things about men as well.
She has other oddities about her as well. For example, she has this irrational fear/anxiety of living within the city limits or in towns. She grew up until she was 10 in town but moved out to the country and fell in love with urban living. She seems miserable having to live in an apartment in town while she finishes school. Furthermore, she has stated that for her it takes feelings to develop 1000 times slower than normal people and the last time she legitimately let a guy in was when she was 16 years old. I don't ever pry when she makes these statements because I can tell it bothers her very much to be open about her past or her feelings.
She is a sweetheart and really interesting person to spend time with. She cooks for me and is always very respectful and grateful for the things I do for her. She latches on me when she sleeps like she never wants to let go... but why not make out? not when she is drunk. not when she is sober. never. why not open eyes while having sex? why the subtle comments about girls?
I don't know if I should approach her or what I should say to her that would even be appropriate. I feel like I bring things up once every month or so and she just apologizes and says she sucks at dating. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her reveal things she isn't ready to reveal... but this is the most bizarre relationship I have ever been in and I don't know how long my patience should/will last. Any insight would be appreciated.
From the get-go she warned me that she had never legitimately liked a guy she had dated and got into relationships without thinking about it, only to break each guys heart within the first three months. I didn't flinch at her warnings though, continuing to stay confident and unfazed.
When people tell you something very specific like this about their relationship/dating habits, believe them. This isn't a silly challenge to see if you can handle it. You are only going to hurt yourself by staying in this relationship. There are a couple problems here:
1. She's never liked anyone she's dated - Not even liked? Not even thought they were fun to hang out with? That's very odd.
2. She gets into relationships without thinking about it - Okay, I understand that things often just develop overtime and there's no "So we're in a relationship now" discussion. But she's doing this over and over with people she doesn't like?
Personally, I think she is a closet Lesbian or Bi-sexual. Just speaking for myself I have never had the desire to kiss another woman and I honestly don't think many straight women have. She is so unsure of her own self I doubt you'll be able to go to the next level with her as far as relationships go. Maybe she is pulling away physically because of this conflict within her yet she finds your company both comforting and enjoyable so she doesn't want to let you go. Eventually though, she will when she comes to grips with who she really is and what she really desires which is possibly another woman.
You stated that she came from a very conservative background or area so she may be terrified of those feelings she has deep down inside where other women are concerned. Peer or public disapproval is something many people want to avoid at all costs because we are social animals and the need to be accepted within a society is a very strong urge. I imagine coming out of the closet is one of the hardest things a homosexual does if their environment is not conducive to accepting an alternative lifestyle. This could be why she dated men only for three months or so before you. You've given her support and acceptance for who she is so far -as a person instead of the ordinary sexual conquest so you were like a calm port in a raging storm for her. She probably hoped in the beginning that you could help her finally settle her inner sexuality conflicts but her shying away from physical intimacy from you of late is a sign that she can't fit a square peg into a round box. She is who she is, and she is more than likely struggling like crazy inside.
Most women have some sort of sexual abuse in their lifetimes, and most humans of any gender are sometimes attracted to people of the same gender. So, those are not very important questions.
It seems like the real problem is that she is unable to talk about what is going on with her. Maybe try to address that?
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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I actually agree with ginger that she might be in the closet. More for the fact that she said she has never liked the guys she's dated, the drop off in intimacy and her apparent promiscuity, which may actually be a cover. It may be her trying to overcompensate for her attraction to women. The comments about kissing girls, on their own, might be an attempt to titilate or curiousity, but taken with everything else you said, and a general flakiness and unsureness about herself, makes me think its possible she hasn't come to terms with who she is. If she's not interested in intimacy I would let the relationship fizzle out, to at least see how interested she even is. Maybe she just wants someone to satiate her emotional needs.
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