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I'm traditional, so I really don't believe in cohabitation. What's the fun of starting a new life together if you are already living the same life before you say " I do" ? There really is no transition but a piece of paper as so many claim.
Starting a new life together is always fun and exciting, marriage or no.
I agree with this and also think that marriage/living together is not the only way to "start a new life together". For us, it was exciting and fun to move abroad together. It was exciting and fun to get a new place together when we moved back to the US, then when we moved to a new city in the US, then to another continent, then finally, when we bought and renovated our place. I'd imagine parenthood brings a whole other level of fun and excitement for couples who want children (we thought adopting our dog was fun and exciting!)
Marriage isn't the end point, it's a step some take in the journey. There's good stuff to come before and after.
It's a tough call for me. I am divorced and have a child. Most men I date are about my age or a little older and are also divorced with children. I also own my own home as do a lot of men who are divorced with children. So one of us would have to sell a house or rent to move in together (and would either house be big enough to accommodate children). I would have to say marriage and a blended family would have to in the works (engaged) to make such a huge family and economic step.
Now, in the case of learn from my mistake, I didn't live with my Ex before I married him. I wish I had because just 2 months after marriage I found out he was lying and cheating on me. I stayed with him for 13 years though in a misguided attempt to make it work for better or for worse since that was my vow. He left me anyway. There is good from it all, my child I mentioned (and all the friends I made along the way).
I am not saying all men are lying and cheaters--I think men who are like that (and women who are like that) are in the minority. But it would help weed them out.
I know it's a bit contradictory (and another reason why it's not so clear cut for me). But I also don't think living together before marriage decreases the divorce rate. The National Survey of Families and Households found that couples who cohabit before marriage are 50 percent more likely to divorce. In a funny kind of twist, I think most people who don't live together first do it for religious reasons and they are more likely to think like me (better or for worse--you made a vow before a higher power). It's not fool proof of course. My marriage wasn't. I think what it is that couple who are willing to move in together first see marriage as more fluid and divorce as an option. And it might be that people who don't feel bound by a vow before a higher deity are less willing to put up with the garbage I put up with (so it could be a good thing). Of course, except for the survey statistics, that's all just my speculation. And again, I am torn.
I guess what I am saying is while living together can help in some situations. It's not foolproof. And don't fall into the thinking that living together is marriage preparation. It's not.
Well said
I've seen so many blended family difficulties in my life that were I in your shoes I'm inclined to think I wouldn't sell my home to remarry until my kids were off on their own.
Some situations just work out better when a couple dates long term, each keeps their own home and gives their kids the chance to grow up a bit while getting to know the other adult over a long period of time, then marrying later after the kids are older teens.
I've seen so many blended family difficulties in my life that were I in your shoes I would probably never sell my home to remarry until my kids were off on their own.
Some situations just work out better when a couple dates long term, each keeps their own home and gives their kids the chance to grow up a bit while getting to know the other adult over a long period of time, then marrying later after the kids are older teens.
My mom did this. She and her now-husband started dating when I was in high school and although it made way more financial sense for them to live together (this is in Manhattan, where housing costs are extraordinary), they didn't move in together until both his son and I were off to college. Again, because it's Manhattan apartments are cramped and throwing us all into one apartment would have likely been really, really tough.
My mom did this. She and her now-husband started dating when I was in high school and although it made way more financial sense for them to live together (this is in Manhattan, where housing costs are extraordinary), they didn't move in together until both his son and I were off to college. Again, because it's Manhattan apartments are cramped and throwing us all into one apartment would have likely been really, really tough.
Thanks for chiming in....as a kid who's mom chose this option, what do you think of her decision now?
I'm of the "know what you're getting into" school. I shacked up with a guy once in my early 20s after only 3 months of dating. It was mainly the result of his economic needs, more than anything else, but we had really fallen for each other too. It didn't work out, but we kept things respectful at all times, so there wasn't a lot of drama when we untangled from each other. I've heard things can get ugly for some people.
But living with him gave me a very good look at what building a life with him would be like. I saw EVERYTHING. And I understood very rapidly that we would not be able to make it as a couple. Honestly, I think I could have dragged the relationship out for a very long time if we hadn't moved in so quickly - it was only with his life choices affecting me directly that I came to understand that we had very different outlooks on some key aspects of life.
My cousins also have all lived with their current spouses before they got married. It seemed to work for them quite well.
The handle is a joke, I haven't been a "kid" in a while.
I'm glad that I didn't have to share a room with a new stepbrother, that's for sure. I asked them once if they would have moved in sooner and they said probably but they wanted to avoid an all-out war. Going from 2 people to 4 in a typical NYC apartment would have been a big change. On the plus side my mom spent a lot of nights with him so I had plenty of freedom as a teenager (which was both good and bad, I guess).
Bringing this back on topic, they lived together for at least 5 years before they decided to get married.
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