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Hey guys. I'm new to the dating scene. I'm in college and I chatted up this girl in line with me at the student union. I got her number and then looked her up on Facebook to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend (I was getting too many numbers from girls with boyfriends). Anyway, her Facebook said she was in a relationship, but I decided to gauge her interest anyway because she had given me her number.
I texted her and we had a good first date. We ate at Panera Bread and then went to play Frisbee golf. Things were going well enough for me to try to kiss her. On the last hole I asked her how confident she was that she could make the shot. She said 6. I told her that if she missed then she would have to kiss me, and if she made it, then I would buy her a big bag of her favorite candy. She was kind of iffy about it, but didn't say no. She missed the shot and I went to kiss her and she told me she couldn't. I was expecting her to tell me that she had a boyfriend, but she told me that her boyfriend had died a month ago.
After she told me there was about a 10 second awkward pause. I told her that I was sorry to hear that and that I was sure she was going through a rough time. I also told her about some free counseling services offered on campus. I told her that I was not implying that she needed it, but just wanted her to be aware of it and that I had heard it was useful. I drove her back and we got out of the car and I gave her a hug. She texted me later that she had a good time and thanked me for the date.
A few days went by and then I tried to set up another date. I really like this girl, but I also wanted to be respectful of her feelings and not rush things. I wanted to take her out for ice cream and then see a magic show later, but she said she'd rather just get ice cream. We got ice cream and had a good time. I paid again. During the date she asked me if I didn't like to text. She said that I didn't seem to text her that much. I then asked if she was giving me permission to text her more and she said yes. I dropped her off and gave her another hug. It was a better hug than the one before, but I did not try for the kiss on purpose.
I tried texting her more over the weekend. She responded, but not as enthusiastically as I hoped. So I went a full day without texting her and she ended up texting me the next day. She asked if I had been at a certain bar. I had, but it was only briefly with a friend. She said one of her friends had seen me. I explained that I'd been there, and then asked her if she was at the football game. She said she had left, and then I never texted back. Her texts were way shorter than mine, so I wasn't going to push the issue.
I was going to wait until 5 PM the next day to try to set up a 3rd date, but some of my friends suggested going to a haunted house later. I wanted to invite her, so I told her about it so she would have time to prepare if she wanted to go. I also told her some of her friends could come since it was a group thing. She said that she and her friends would probably go. However, my friends decided that they'd rather go the next weekend. I told her this and then asked if she'd rather do something similar instead since it is close to Halloween...like go on a walk at the campus cemetery. Then it hit me...(which I'm sure you have figured out now) that this was a STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID suggestion. Why the would she want to go to a cemetery when her boyfriend had just died 5 weeks prior?
She said she didn't really want to do anything. I asked her if she meant for that particular day. She said that she didn't know. After that text it hit me that I had f'ed up about the whole cemetery thing. I sent her a long ass message apologizing and explaining that i simply wanted to do something similar, and that I was a dumb ass for not thinking it through. I told her that I understood that she was still healing. I told her that she was someone I wanted to get to know. She never responded to any of this...
What do I do? I really like this girl. I know she just went through a pretty traumatic experience. I'm not sure how long she was dating this guy. She is a freshman in college. I am a genuine guy looking for a serious relationship and not a random hookup. I'm aware that we've only been on two dates and things aren't that serious. Please help me.
Actually you have handled this very well. It is an awkward situation, but you have done well. Yes, you made the mistake about the cemetary, but it was an accident and you apologized right away. I think it is wonderful that you are hugging her and not pushing her to be physical beyond that. Just be patient, don't push too hard, but also don't let her think you are no longer interested. It will be a slow process but worth it if you two really connect and become a couple.
What do I do? I really like this girl. I know she just went through a pretty traumatic experience. I'm not sure how long she was dating this guy. She is a freshman in college. I am a genuine guy looking for a serious relationship and not a random hookup. I'm aware that we've only been on two dates and things aren't that serious. Please help me.
As a person who also lost somebody she cared about to a sudden unexpected death, I can somewhat relate to this girl
My suggestion to you is NOT investing any emotions, you would end up being disappointed.
Grief is a long and lonely process, it takes as long as it takes. Now looking back, it took me at least 3 years to reconnect with the outside world after my late boyfriend's sudden death. Grief is extremely difficult mental work. Have you tried to explain "color" to a blind person? It is mission impossible. Only a person who is going through all these emotions understand what she is experiencing.
This girl might want your company, but there is no way she is ready for another meaningful relationship. I wouldn't even try to be her "friend". Just let her be.
I am so sorry that you two have to go through this. best of luck.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 10-28-2013 at 05:52 AM..
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,763,058 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
Welllllll.... if you are ok with not seeing her boobs for 5 years, and with her crying on your shoulder for 2 years about her dead bf, and then going out and banging some random guys but not you, then be her friend. But even after the 5 years she might feel that you remind her too much of that bad time in her life.
Your best bet is probably to just be her facebook friend, and say hey when you run into her at parties or the grocery store. That way you can probably keep the shoulder crying to a minimum, and you might know when she is ready to date. In 5 years.
^ This minus the 5 year timeframe. This girl ain't gonna be GOOD relationship-ready anytime soon.
As a person who also lost somebody she cared about to a sudden unexpected death, I can somewhat relate to this girl
My suggestion to you is NOT investing any emotions, you would end up being disappointed.
Grief is a long and lonely process, it takes as long as it takes. Now looking back, it took me at least 3 years to reconnect with the outside world after my late boyfriend's sudden death. Grief is extremely difficult mental work. Have you tried to explain "color" to a blind person? It is mission impossible. Only a person who is going through all these emotions understand what she is experiencing.
This girl might want your company, but there is no way she is ready for another meaningful relationship. I wouldn't even try to be her "friend". Just let her be.
I am so sorry that you two have to go through this. best of luck.
I agree with lily. At 5 weeks, the grieving has barely begun. Heck, the reality that he's gone is just starting to set in. When you lose someone, in those first weeks/months, it seems like an out of body experience, that you know what's happened but it doesn't seem real.
I would leave her be and look to date someone who is able to be in and be happy in a relationship, someone who isn't mired in grief and loss.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Thank you for taking the the time to read my lengthy post and providing constructive and thoughtful responses.
At this point I plan on contacting her tomorrow. I'll probably just say "Hey, just wanted to say hi and that I hope you have a good day." I'll see where it goes from there. If I hang out with her again, I won't make a romantic move, but I plan on being how I was around her the first two times we hung out. If she doesn't text back, then I'll leave her alone for good and move on. I understand it is a delicate situation. I'm willing to take things slowly if she's on board with that as well. At this point I don't know how she feels about me, so anything I say now is pointless until I contact her tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your advice. Thank you for taking the the time to read my lengthy post and providing constructive and thoughtful responses.
At this point I plan on contacting her tomorrow. I'll probably just say "Hey, just wanted to say hi and that I hope you have a good day." I'll see where it goes from there. If I hang out with her again, I won't make a romantic move, but I plan on being how I was around her the first two times we hung out. If she doesn't text back, then I'll leave her alone for good and move on. I understand it is a delicate situation. I'm willing to take things slowly if she's on board with that as well. At this point I don't know how she feels about me, so anything I say now is pointless until I contact her tomorrow.
So basically you will ignore all the advice that this girl isn't ready for dating and you will just do whatever you want. It was a nice story but why did you even bother asking the question I wonder?
So basically you will ignore all the advice that this girl isn't ready for dating and you will just do whatever you want. It was a nice story but why did you even bother asking the question I wonder?
The advice on here has allowed me to understand the situation better. I've gone from thinking that I still have a chance to having a more realistic outlook. I plan on pursuing other girls. I agree that she's probably not ready to even do casual dating. I'm ready to move on from this girl, but I guess I'm still willing to see if there is a chance. I've accepted the idea that it is not an ideal situation and that I can't expect a lot from her.
The advice on here has allowed me to understand the situation better. I've gone from thinking that I still have a chance to having a more realistic outlook. I plan on pursuing other girls. I agree that she's probably not ready to even do casual dating. I'm ready to move on from this girl, but I guess I'm still willing to see if there is a chance. I've accepted the idea that it is not an ideal situation and that I can't expect a lot from her.
She hasn't responded to you since the last time you contacted her, so why do you need to reach out yet again?
In your OP, you indicated you're looking for a serious relationship, and she doesn't fit that criteria. Why can't you just leave her well enough alone now and look for opportunities to meet someone else?
Last edited by Katnan; 10-28-2013 at 10:44 AM..
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Leave the girl alone. Sheesh.
