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What do I do? I really like this girl. I know she just went through a pretty traumatic experience. I'm not sure how long she was dating this guy. She is a freshman in college. I am a genuine guy looking for a serious relationship and not a random hookup. I'm aware that we've only been on two dates and things aren't that serious. Please help me.
Walk away now. Don't be the first guy she dates after the death of her boyfriend. You'll constantly be compared to him by her, as will the next _______ number of guys she dates until she's done grieving. Cut your losses now and suck it up, because if you do push her into a relationship (which is what you're trying to do), you'll regret it later because it'll be a bad one, full of confusion, doubt, and angst.
I feel bad for her as well, however she isn't doing herself, you, or anyone she dates in the immediate future any favors by putting herself out there on the market so soon. Recipe for disaster.
I told her that if she missed then she would have to kiss me, and if she made it, then I would buy her a big bag of her favorite candy. She was kind of iffy about it, but didn't say no. She missed the shot and I went to kiss her and she told me she couldn't. I was expecting her to tell me that she had a boyfriend, but she told me that her boyfriend had died a month ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by salyerj
I walked her back to her place and told her I wanted to kiss her. She gracefully declined.
I went in for the kiss and she said she couldn't..
She said that as of now she just wanted to be friends and hoped that we could remain friends.
I don't want to be friend-zoned. I know she is still grieving. I'm not thinking "relationship" at this point. I just want to continue to hang out with this girl, while being physically intimate on some sort of level, even if its just kissing. In the mean time I'm also talking to and hanging out with other girls.
Dude, learn to take a hint. This girl has all but hit you over the head with the fact that she is not ready to date anyone and does not want you to kiss her. And yet you keep trying over and over and pushing the issue. She was very honest in explaining that she recently suffered the death of her boyfriend. She is not ready to kiss you. And yet you pressured her four times?!
What's most disappointing about this is that you clearly aren't interested in a relationship, and yet are still trying to get something from this poor girl who is in an awful place in her head. Have some human decency and leave her alone. Geez.
But...I feel that I'm getting mixed signals in which she expresses some interest i me.
This girl reached out to me first after I gave her space. She grinded on me for 30 minutes. She held my hand ice-skating.
Trust me, I am trying to move on from her by talking and hanging out with other girls. I'm pursuing other girls hard. We just seem to connect so well other than the fact that she won't kiss me. I'm not just trying to get in her pants. I've never been that type of guy. Yes, I would be willing to put up with the baggage if I were ever her boyfriend. I can handle that. I just don't know why I can't be the first person she dates. She's a freshman in college, so odds are she's going to love someone again. Why can't that someone be me?
I'll continue to pursue other girls. I just don't know whether I should also talk and hang out with this girl as friends. Could being her friend lead to more when she is ready and initiates it? I wouldn't pressure her. I would just hang out, have fun, and be flirty without making a physical move.
Bash me if you want. I am a good guy and know it. I am boyfriend material.
But...I feel that I'm getting mixed signals in which she expresses some interest i me.
This girl reached out to me first after I gave her space. She grinded on me for 30 minutes. She held my hand ice-skating.
Trust me, I am trying to move on from her by talking and hanging out with other girls. I'm pursuing other girls hard. We just seem to connect so well other than the fact that she won't kiss me. I'm not just trying to get in her pants. I've never been that type of guy. Yes, I would be willing to put up with the baggage if I were ever her boyfriend. I can handle that. I just don't know why I can't be the first person she dates. She's a freshman in college, so odds are she's going to love someone again. Why can't that someone be me?
I'll continue to pursue other girls. I just don't know whether I should also talk and hang out with this girl as friends. Could being her friend lead to more when she is ready and initiates it? I wouldn't pressure her. I would just hang out, have fun, and be flirty without making a physical move.
Bash me if you want. I am a good guy and know it. I am boyfriend material.
I haven't read everything on here but it sounds like the girl needs a friend that does not expect anything back from her. I would follow my instincts but go very slowly. You don't want to be dating someone on the rebound. That spells disaster for both of you. She needs to keep open to social encounters but I would suggest that you keep it to college activities. Let her make the next move closer. Chill. You will either end up hurt, bored or maybe married for 50 years. We can tell you like this girl. You may be what she needs right now. She is probably numb and grieving. You might want to get a book about grief and then maybe you can realize where she is in the process. Even if you don't end up a couple; you could be a very unselfish person helping someone through a hard time. Expect nothing though because she is not ready for a relationship.
I am sure it probably would not be a good idea from a romantic standpoint, but many people tell how much comfort it is to be able to talk about the person they have lost. She is trying to keep going is probably why she goes out with you instead of any feelings on her part. It is good for her to socialize.
Dude, learn to take a hint. This girl has all but hit you over the head with the fact that she is not ready to date anyone and does not want you to kiss her. And yet you keep trying over and over and pushing the issue. She was very honest in explaining that she recently suffered the death of her boyfriend. She is not ready to kiss you. And yet you pressured her four times?!
What's most disappointing about this is that you clearly aren't interested in a relationship, and yet are still trying to get something from this poor girl who is in an awful place in her head. Have some human decency and leave her alone. Geez.
^^^This.
I found the update really disappointing. From time estimates in his post, her BF died maybe 2 months ago. It's just starting to sink in that he's really gone, not coming back, and the reality is hitting right as the holidays are approaching.
I can almost guarantee that her agreeing to go ice-skating was a nice distraction from sitting home alone, drowning in grief, not excitement about a date with a new guy.
This is what the OP simply cannot understand, is what grief does to a person, how it changes them, how it wraps itself around you. That first little while, you are simply numb and going through the motions, hoping that after the funeral, friends and family won't forget about your loss and go back to their regular lives (like always happens, just the way it is).
I believe she sees the OP as extending some kindness, which it isn't, if he's really trying to push for a relationship with her because he's attracted to her. For this very reason, he should not even try to be her friend because it's not genuine. As evidenced from the pushiness of trying to get her to kiss him, he can't respect her grief and he's going to try and steer her in the direction he wants her to go. Someone who is grieving the loss of their SO needs caring and attention for their own benefit, not to benefit anyone else (the OP).
And as a final reminder, this girl is NOT friendzoning the OP, he is doing that to himself. She's said all she can offer is friendship, and that's not what he wants, so he needs to move on. She could be ready for a relationship in a year or two, but even, there's no guaranteeing that remaining her friend throughout means she will choose the OP anyway. If you can't be someone's friend without expecting anything in return, just leave her alone.
Honestly man, you don't want to date someone that's going through this, it's not fair to you and its not fair to her. 2 months is nothing, she's just not going to magically be over someone in this situation and be ready to put herself out there, or be in the right place to be in a relationship.
I understand you want to be with her, but sometimes there's just nothing wrong with making a new friend, and quite honestly, who knows where it'll go in the future.
Why not be a friend with her while looking for a romantic relationship somewhere else?
I can almost guarantee that her agreeing to go ice-skating was a nice distraction from sitting home alone, drowning in grief, not excitement about a date with a new guy.
Exactly.
Maybe you are "boyfriend material" for someone else. Not for her.
Just leave her alone. I'm sure there are many girls you could date, who are just as nice or attractive or fun as this girl is, but who don't have to deal with their boyfriend dying two months ago.
If you can't be her friend when she needs a friend, you don't know what it really means to be a "boyfriend" in a romantic relationship. Love is not that warm feeling you get around someone you are attracted to, that's lust. Love is an action that you decide to take. Love is putting the other person's needs and desires first. Lasting relationships come from both parties giving 100% of themselves to the other.
Everything you have said about this relationship so far indicates you are thinking of and putting yourself first. You aren't ready to commit to this girl or any other. If you really think she might be the one, then be her friend like she asked and wait to see what happens. Why is being a friend so risky? What possible harm could come from being this girls friend? Stop pressuring her. She may be giving you mixed signals; she is dealing with more than you can possibly imagine. Give her a break. Listen to her. Be a friend. All strong married couples are also best friends.
I'm with the others who have a different opinion of the OP with the second post.
To the OP:
This is not about you, what you want, what you can get, or what zone you end up in. This is about the girl who is emotionally damaged after the (recent!) death of her boyfriend. Of course she is sending mixed signals, her mind is in chaos right now.
The fact that you are coming at this as a "what's in it for me?" standpoint, instead of wondering how to be a good, supportive person to this girl makes me think you would neither be a good boyfriend, nor friend.
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This girl and I have something in common... my boyfriend of 21 months died around the same time hers did... I can tell you that I have tried to push myself forward... every time has been a disaster. I know I need to get out and went with some friends to a bar (it had been 10 weeks) and I sat there crying after a certain song came on... I figure it will be a while before I am ready for a serious relationship.... But I could use a friend to remind me that I am alive and need to go on and not let myself go...
my suggestion is to be her friend, she needs that
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And yet you keep trying over and over and pushing the issue. She was very honest in explaining that she recently suffered the death of her boyfriend. She is not ready to kiss you. And yet you pressured her four times?!
am there
