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Welllllll.... if you are ok with not seeing her boobs for 5 years, and with her crying on your shoulder for 2 years about her dead bf, and then going out and banging some random guys but not you, then be her friend. But even after the 5 years she might feel that you remind her too much of that bad time in her life.
Based on my personal experience, that sounds about right. With only one long term relationship (8 years) under my belt that left me widowed at 34-and very little dating experience prior to that, I'm just now at a place 5+ years later where I truly feel I can handle a relationship, though I did briefly date someone 3 years ago. When your only experience is you fall in love with someone and he dies, it makes you VERY hesitant to do that again.
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Originally Posted by salyerj
Do you think the cemetery comment is enough for her to never want to see me again?
No. You mentioned it in the context of Halloween. Any other time of the year would be different.
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Originally Posted by CSD610
Honestly, it is impossible to say how she is going to act on any of this.
She is grieving and there are many levels of grief and everyone has their own timing when it comes to grief, when it hits fully, what level they are, how they handle it and when they can move forward.
All I can tell you is that she is more than likely not as ready to get out into the world as much as she thought she was and it really is not you at all.
Just leave the invitation open for her to contact you if she wants to, then the ball is in her court and you have done your best to apologize and keep the lines of communication open.
Time will tell you what she is going to do and nothing more than time is going to tell you that for sure.
^^This. There's no timetable and there's know telling what will set off the "grief monster." Most likely, right now, she's still in a fog and it's a miracle she leaves the house wearing matching shoes. She's going to want normal, but right now her entire world has been turned upside down and part of the process is determining what her "new normal" is. Others take longer, some not that long at all. As mentioned, it truly is individual.
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Originally Posted by salyerj
I'll probably just say "Hey, just wanted to say hi and that I hope you have a good day."
Leave out the part about having a good day. That would be worse than the cemetery comment. Don't expect a response back but don't take that as a sign of disinterest either. Our brains shut down to protect us in times of trauma, which grief certainly is. If you do hear from her, don't be surprised if she seems really flaky. I can't tell you how many conversations my friend who was widowed 8 months after me started and didn't finish because one of us would forget what we were saying and the other would forget what we were even talking about!
Another thing is she's probably going to want/need to talk about what happened to her BF at some point and she'll want to do it A LOT. Telling the story over and over is what makes it real. It's part of the healing process. And her head will except it's real sooner than her heart will.
My biz partner and best friend died. A few weeks later, his widow asked me for some advice. Some guy whom my partner knew asked her to lunch. She asked me what she should do.
"Julia. Dick is still dead. You might as well get out of the house and forget all this for an hour or two."
Worst advice I ever gave. This guy did a full-court press on her and was sleeping with her within a couple of weeks. She was vulnerable and alone and he took total advantage of that. Totally messed her up in a two-year dysfunctional relationship. After the fact, she admitted to us that she just was incapable of living without a man in her life, which is why she did it.
To this day, that guy calls me up for my business. And I politely turn him down.
So, OP, stay the hell away for a while. Be nice to her, talk to her, engage her. But don't date her. Even if she makes an overture, go slowly. Because you really don't know what snakes are in her head at the moment and it's best you give her the time to sort things out.
Oh man. That's rough. You can either try to hang with it but be ready for her to drop you. Right now you'll be second to the deceased. She will most likely compare you to him. A lot.
If you like her give it time. If you expect to just jump in bed with her its not gonna happen. When my moms BF died it took her about a year before she accepted to have a cup of coffee with a guy.
I know if my wife died I would compare every woman I met with her. None will be good enough funny enough smart enough as her. It sucks cause she may be perfect but it wouldn't be good enough. Its a very traumatic thing. I sometimes think about possibly losing my wife and I start freaking out.
I'm getting a fair amount of criticism on here, and I deserve it. I am hung up on this girl- I admit it. I ****ed up bad. The thing is that I am willing to take it S-L-O-W with this girl. Is it because I can't get any better? Well, I've started approaching a ton of girls on campus and have gotten pretty crafty with being able to strike up conversations and attempt to get their phone number. I've seriously approached approximately 100 girls and gotten 25 or so numbers. Some of these girls don't text back. Some of them end up having boyfriends they didn't tell me about. A handful of them set up a date with me and then bail because they just got out of a serious relationship. Some of them go on a date with me and then end up having boyfriends or someone they're also talking to. Some of them weren't interested after the first date. So this situation is just another example of my bad luck. I've also gotten turned down by so many girls who were flattered and admired my bravery and confidence, but had boyfriends. I'm calling this year "The Year of the Boyfriend."
Anyway...NEW UPDATE.
I was walking by the student union and she was coming towards me with two of her friends. We made eye contact and I said "Hey, [her name]." She passed me and then three seconds later said hello back. My friend is lab partners with her roommate. They had class together today and the first thing the roommate said was explain what I had texted her. She also mentioned that it made her roommate cry.
At this point, I've already apologized. I guess the only thing to do is continue approaching more girls and letting this other girl come to me if she ever decides to.
At this point, I've already apologized. I guess the only thing to do is continue approaching more girls and letting this other girl come to me if she ever decides to.
Good idea. If she wants to talk to you, she will. She just needs time to grieve, like the others said.
I admire you for your courage to approach girls and strike up conversations with them. A lot of men on this forum complain about their love lives but they don't actually make the effort to ask anyone out, or they do it one time, get rejected and then whine endlessly. Good on you for putting yourself out there.
Unfortunately for you, many college girls are immature. I just graduated, so I know. But you will find someone who doesn't have a boyfriend issue of some kind. Keep approaching girls, going out, going to parties, etc. and it will work out!
She's not going to be ready for any type of relationship for awhile except friendship. Now, ask yourself, being young, college is suppose to be the time of your life; is she someone you want to invest your time and effort in? What type relationship are looking for with this person? If you tell yourself, I am just not looking for any type of serious commitment, then best to move on now because there are plenty of girls in your school with less emotional baggage that you can hook up with. If you say, yeah, I don't mind having a serious relationship with her for years to come, may be it's worth sticking by her side and see where it takes. Just know the risk that there is no promise of anything from her due to her recent tragic lost.
I'm getting a fair amount of criticism on here, and I deserve it.
No, you don't.
Most people don't know how to deal with grieving folks. Now looking back, I should have been nicer to the people who gave me kindness. I only focused on my own pain and suffering, I didn't realize how many people I've hurt when I was grieving.
Be kind to yourself, you only had good intention. Give her time. Be patient. you are doing the best with the knowledge you have at this moment. You are a very kind person.
Best of luck.
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 10-29-2013 at 03:24 AM..
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