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I talked to my SO of almost year (we are mid 20s) a couple of weeks ago expressing my disappointment with him putting his friends before me when making plans. He apologized and said that he'd make a better effort.. I am spending Monday with him because that's our 1 year anniversary. We don't live together and see eachother about 3 times a week.
This Tuesday he said that he had plans Friday (I assumed guy night) and I was ok with that. Then he said he had plans Saturday night. For some context, we both have the next 2 weeks off of work, but we're not sure what holiday plans are.
Come to find out, one of his friends bailed on friday leaving his other friend the only one left to make it to hang out. He told me on Wednesday that their plans for Friday was to cook a cool new dinner. Sounds fun and i immediately felt a little slighted when i found out that the the two friends going to his apartment to do this was one guy friend and my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. I have one issue with the ex only in that she was first described to me as his friend in June and was only told months later by him that she was his ex of about 2 years from highschool. They chat from time to time via text.
Since it wasn't a guy's only thing, I felt slighted. Then he tells me the guy friend can't go and asks of it's ok to still have the cooking plans. Meaning it would be him and his ex cooking together alone in his a apt drinking a few beers. I told him that was weird but ok asking him how he'd feel if I did that (having an ex over to my house alone with alcohol involved), he said he'd have the same response. I didn't have long to develop a response as he asked me this before we left for work yesterday morning walking out to the cars. He said he'd see if they could figure out something else that night instead because he loves me and we parted ways.
Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? I'm not saying that I want to go to every event that he has with his friends, but I'd like the option to go to some of them! Guys night, sure don't worry about asking me... but when it's friend's night I felt like an invite would have been nice. He didn't even offer for me to come Friday when his other friend bailed leaving hos ex and him alone... I guess at least he had the decency to ask, but the clear answer is that it's not ok. But I'd kinda like for him to come to that conclusion himself.
Separate issue - I wanted to add that he's getting a past love interest (the girl he wanted to be with before we started dating - she had a boyfriend/cheated/was stringing my SO along) a christmas gift. I'm not sure how I feel about that either .
You know, things were coming along just fine. He seemed like an ok dude that was upfront despite he wanting to do certain things that may compromise your relationship. It sounded odd but relatively workable. I haven't read a straight and easy OP in a while... Come to find out, the last paragraph throws everything off and now the guys comes across as a douche.. Can't it all be so simple....
My question is what kind of relationship do you have that he would feel that it is ok to be so cool about these things? Other than these issues, are there any other times where he goes about doing things without the slightest bit of care?
Wmsn4Life: I see what you're saying and I kinda agree... however it seems that I hear from one end of advice,"Tell him how you feel and communicate your needs" and what you're saying is "Show him how you want him to be and hope for the best, but don't exactly tell him what the problem is because that's counterproductive/nagging." I do understand behavior modeling, but without communicating what the problem still is, I'm not sure he's going to make the connection... Guys tell us all the time that they can't read our minds and it's a big issue when we don't tell them...
The thing that struck me that you said, however, is that, he should want to be with me. I don't know if he wanted to invite me to the event tomorrow or if I was even in his thought process. And if not, I'm thinking that maybe I'm just fighting a losing battle.
Wmsn4Life: I see what you're saying and I kinda agree... however it seems that I hear from one end of advice,"Tell him how you feel and communicate your needs" and what you're saying is "Show him how you want him to be and hope for the best, but don't exactly tell him what the problem is because that's counterproductive/nagging." I do understand behavior modeling, but without communicating what the problem still is, I'm not sure he's going to make the connection... Guys tell us all the time that they can't read our minds and it's a big issue when we don't tell them...
The thing that struck me that you said, however, is that, he should want to be with me. I don't know if he wanted to invite me to the event tomorrow or if I was even in his thought process. And if not, I'm thinking that maybe I'm just fighting a losing battle.
I'm definitely not saying "don't tell him how you feel."
I'm saying that this is not the kind of thing that will change regardless of how of often you tell him.
Some behaviors can be changed when you talk to him about it. ("I hate it when you fart in my face!" or "It hurts my feelings when you call me 'chubby.'") This is not one of those.
His actions reflect his feelings. They show you where his heart and mind are. What you want from him has to be intrinsically motivated; it can't be externally motivated without driving a wedge between you, or putting you in a parent-child dynamic, which is NOT conducive to a romantic relationship.
I could maybe possibly if I tried REALLY hard understand being in some contact with his ex girlfriend if they parted on friendly terms. Perhaps being Facebook friends, being around each other in social situations with mutual friends, but hanging out ALONE with her cooking dinner together and drinking? Hell no. I can't understand why he would want to do that or why he would think it's appropriate to do that when he has a girlfriend of a year. Cooking dinner together alone at someone's apartment is a DATE. I would not be okay with that and that he thinks it's fine throws out major red flags. Combine that with him buying a Christmas present for a former flame I think I would be d-o-n-e with this relationship. I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think it speaks volumes about how much he respects you and how much he values your relationship that he would even consider doing that.
I could maybe possibly if I tried REALLY hard understand being in some contact with his ex girlfriend if they parted on friendly terms. Perhaps being Facebook friends, being around each other in social situations with mutual friends, but hanging out ALONE with her cooking dinner together and drinking? Hell no. I can't understand why he would want to do that or why he would think it's appropriate to do that when he has a girlfriend of a year. Cooking dinner together alone at someone's apartment is a DATE. I would not be okay with that and that he thinks it's fine throws out major red flags. Combine that with him buying a Christmas present for a former flame I think I would be d-o-n-e with this relationship. I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think it speaks volumes about how much he respects you and how much he values your relationship that he would even consider doing that.
No disagreement here. Heck, I'll even ADD to it.....
Personally, I've never been in a relationship where the other half wasn't automatically included in almost everything social. Sure there are girl's nights and boy's nights out, but that was normally the exception and not the rule.
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I agree with of all Wmsn4Life's posts here, so I won't rehash. The whole "accidentally cooking dinner alone with his friend who P.S. is an ex-girlfriend" is a little eyebrow-raising, as is the gift for his love interest. Some guys have a lot of female friends, including their exes. That's also a ripe situation for FWBs, though, so there's that.
You see one another two or three times a week. That's a lot for people who don't live together. If you want him to spend more time with you and prefer you over his friends, try more sex and enjoyable time together. Like Wmsn said, you'll have more success if he misses being around you.
No disagreement here. Heck, I'll even ADD to it.....
Personally, I've never been in a relationship where the other half wasn't automatically included in almost everything social. Sure there are girl's nights and boy's nights out, but that was normally the exception and not the rule.
Bolded.... YES! yes yes. It's a friggen date.
Honestly, here is what I did one time in the past.
Her: "A friend wants to take me to dinner."
Me: "sounds like a date."
Her: "It's not a date."
Me: "Can I come ?"
Her: "(laughter)"
Me: "Why is it funny?"
her: "Ummmm"
Me: "Have you slept with this guy before?"
Her: "thats none of your business."
Me: "I'll take that as a yes, so you want to go on a date with an exbf while in a relationship."
Her: "it's not a date. He wants to tell me something. I think he is going to tell me he is gay."
Me: "Ok, if you feel it is ok, then go out with the guy."
Turns out, she contacted him initally, and his response was to go out to dinner and then "I wan to do dirtythings to you".
He knew she had a bf. His response, "Your bf doesnt have to know."
OP, this is how these things can go.
Yes, and I will add to this thought process.
I agree here and with Strawberry completely.
Honestly, OP, regardless of how the relationship is going, I would approve of you to lose your mind and have a manic episode on your bf. Yell, call him names, even tell him, "Choose RIGHT NOW, me or your ex!"
Even if he chooses you, I would probably still dump him.
The guy isnt relationship material. He is making way too many dealbreaking type mistakes.
I bet a lot of money a guy like this may date often, but unless he is really hot, and has a good bankroll for mid-20's, not many women will put up with his BS.
That IS what this is, BS.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I could maybe possibly if I tried REALLY hard understand being in some contact with his ex girlfriend if they parted on friendly terms. Perhaps being Facebook friends, being around each other in social situations with mutual friends, but hanging out ALONE with her cooking dinner together and drinking? Hell no.
Seriously? I hang out with ex girlfriends (who are friends) all the time. Seeing a band with one tomorrow night.
As a woman with lot of guy friends, I would feel really weird if I knew that one of my buddies had specifically not invited his girlfriend to hang out at his house while we were cooking. I go out to bars with my guy friends all the time and will even go shopping with them for Christmas gifts for their significant others (the girlfriends/wives view me as "quality control"), but when I'm at their houses for an evening, the wife or girlfriend is always invited.She might not always be there but she is always explicitly welcome.
I'm sorry, but just mark me down as agreeing with the majority vote here. After almost a year of dating, you should be in an exclusive relationship, but you are not. IMO, he is seeing if something sparks with these other women, and then planning to dump you after the holiday. I think you need to cut your losses and move on. If you bought a Christmas gift for your SO, try to return it.
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