Not Invited to His Friend Events... (dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, girl)
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I talked to my SO of almost year (we are mid 20s) a couple of weeks ago expressing my disappointment with him putting his friends before me when making plans. He apologized and said that he'd make a better effort.. I am spending Monday with him because that's our 1 year anniversary. We don't live together and see eachother about 3 times a week.
This Tuesday he said that he had plans Friday (I assumed guy night) and I was ok with that. Then he said he had plans Saturday night. For some context, we both have the next 2 weeks off of work, but we're not sure what holiday plans are.
Come to find out, one of his friends bailed on friday leaving his other friend the only one left to make it to hang out. He told me on Wednesday that their plans for Friday was to cook a cool new dinner. Sounds fun and i immediately felt a little slighted when i found out that the the two friends going to his apartment to do this was one guy friend and my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. I have one issue with the ex only in that she was first described to me as his friend in June and was only told months later by him that she was his ex of about 2 years from highschool. They chat from time to time via text.
Since it wasn't a guy's only thing, I felt slighted. Then he tells me the guy friend can't go and asks of it's ok to still have the cooking plans. Meaning it would be him and his ex cooking together alone in his a apt drinking a few beers. I told him that was weird but ok asking him how he'd feel if I did that (having an ex over to my house alone with alcohol involved), he said he'd have the same response. I didn't have long to develop a response as he asked me this before we left for work yesterday morning walking out to the cars. He said he'd see if they could figure out something else that night instead because he loves me and we parted ways.
Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? I'm not saying that I want to go to every event that he has with his friends, but I'd like the option to go to some of them! Guys night, sure don't worry about asking me... but when it's friend's night I felt like an invite would have been nice. He didn't even offer for me to come Friday when his other friend bailed leaving hos ex and him alone... I guess at least he had the decency to ask, but the clear answer is that it's not ok. But I'd kinda like for him to come to that conclusion himself.
Separate issue - I wanted to add that he's getting a past love interest (the girl he wanted to be with before we started dating - she had a boyfriend/cheated/was stringing my SO along) a christmas gift. I'm not sure how I feel about that either .
I talked to my SO of almost year (we are mid 20s) a couple of weeks ago expressing my disappointment with him putting his friends before me when making plans. He apologized and said that he'd make a better effort.. I am spending Monday with him because that's our 1 year anniversary. We don't live together and see eachother about 3 times a week.
This Tuesday he said that he had plans Friday (I assumed guy night) and I was ok with that. Then he said he had plans Saturday night. For some context, we both have the next 2 weeks off of work, but we're not sure what holiday plans are.
Come to find out, one of his friends bailed on friday leaving his other friend the only one left to make it to hang out. He told me on Wednesday that their plans for Friday was to cook a cool new dinner. Sounds fun and i immediately felt a little slighted when i found out that the the two friends going to his apartment to do this was one guy friend and my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. I have one issue with the ex only in that she was first described to me as his friend in June and was only told months later by him that she was his ex of about 2 years from highschool. They chat from time to time via text.
Since it wasn't a guy's only thing, I felt slighted. Then he tells me the guy friend can't go and asks of it's ok to still have the cooking plans. Meaning it would be him and his ex cooking together alone in his a apt drinking a few beers. I told him that was weird but ok asking him how he'd feel if I did that (having an ex over to my house alone with alcohol involved), he said he'd have the same response. I didn't have long to develop a response as he asked me this before we left for work yesterday morning walking out to the cars. He said he'd see if they could figure out something else that night instead because he loves me and we parted ways.
Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? I'm not saying that I want to go to every event that he has with his friends, but I'd like the option to go to some of them! Guys night, sure don't worry about asking me... but when it's friend's night I felt like an invite would have been nice. He didn't even offer for me to come Friday when his other friend bailed leaving hos ex and him alone... I guess at least he had the decency to ask, but the clear answer is that it's not ok. But I'd kinda like for him to come to that conclusion himself.
Separate issue - I wanted to add that he's getting a past love interest (the girl he wanted to be with before we started dating - she had a boyfriend/cheated/was stringing my SO along) a christmas gift. I'm not sure how I feel about that either .
You poor naive sap. I hate to be so undiplomatic, but he'd rather be with his friend and his ex-girlfriend than you. Hey, if it were one thing, that's not an issue. But if he's doing this to you all the time, I don't know what to tell you. It should be pretty obvious.
Never be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, especially on a Friday night before Christmas. Don't you deserve better?
I almost stopped reading at "two weeks off from work."
However ...
whenever you put your SO on notice that they are not behaving up to your expectations, in terms of something intangible like "putting your friends before me," and they "promise to do better," you are on your way out.
This will always be viewed as nagging, and he will from now on see you as a parent-type figure whose standards he has to satisfy before he can "go have fun."
cpg35223: Well it makes me feel bad, but I'm not sure what's "right" as far as balancing friends with someone you're in a relationship with. Am I supposed to be invited to everything involving males and females? Are there situations where it wouldn't be appropriate that I'm invited or is it always the more the merrier?
Wmsn4Life: On my way out meaning what? I really was offering him a genuine chance to fix it, we have a great relationship otherwise and this one thing is the only issue I have with him. So is there no way to correct a behavior without it seeming like nagging? If not, then how does any behavior ever get fixed without turning into a parent-type figure?
cpg35223: Well it makes me feel bad, but I'm not sure what's "right" as far as balancing friends with someone you're in a relationship with. Am I supposed to be invited to everything involving males and females? Are there situations where it wouldn't be appropriate that I'm invited or is it always the more the merrier?
Wmsn4Life: On my way out meaning what? I really was offering him a genuine chance to fix it, we have a great relationship otherwise and this one thing is the only issue I have with him. So is there no way to correct a behavior without it seeming like nagging? If not, then how does any behavior ever get fixed without turning into a parent-type figure?
Your feelings are the best barometer you have. I mean, a night or two here and there? Sure thing. All the time? Hmmm, that's a problem. Mind you, I'm assuming that you are not a clingy, suffocating type. But if he doesn't want to spend time with you during the first year of your relationship together it's time to find someone who does. Not that hard.
" So is there no way to correct a behavior without it seeming like nagging? If not, then how does any behavior ever get fixed without turning into a parent-type figure?"
cpg35223: Nope, I'm not clingy at all. I've never had an issue with the friends thing until it was so consistent that I felt like I wasn't important to him. So I told him that I felt like I wasn't important to him and he said he'd make more of an effort.
This is supposed to be the best time in a relationship, the early years of dating. I see no reason to be left out of any social event with friends, unless it's specifically a guy only get-together.
Yours tells you that he is not considering you enough, while his tells him that what he is doing is just fine.
It's like an inner mechanism that cannot be tweaked from the outside without major behavior modification. That's why when you "expressed your disappointment," all it did was put him in a subordinate mode in which he would have to work hard to meet your needs, not express himself naturally. At this point in your relationship, you both should WANT to be together.
What should you do instead? Model the behavior you want from him. Invite his friends over. Make plans that include them. When he's with them a lot, tell him you miss him. Don't say, "You left me out, and now you have to make amends."
The ex stuff is different. If that makes you uncomfortable, say so. But make absolutely sure that there is no issue with them. It's unusual that they would hang out, buy gifts, etc. but not impossible.
Remember that on both sides of the equation, actions speak louder than words. His actions indicate that you are not a true priority, a preference, to him.
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