U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-05-2014, 06:44 PM
 
3,615 posts, read 2,674,320 times
Reputation: 11341

Advertisements

If he wanted to stay with you, he would. Men arent as complicated as people make them out to be. He doesnt want to live with you. Get over it, deal with it or move on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-05-2014, 08:40 PM
 
6,435 posts, read 9,158,355 times
Reputation: 10628
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
And yes, probably he won't change. I already have horror scenarios in my head that his mom will be around me all the time if we ever have kids, helping me to raise them etc.. Or my boyfriend staying a couple of days at home in mama's bed when he's sick. Or his parents moving in with us when they're old. And and and...
Sweetie... no need to convince us!

You know what your gut is telling you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-05-2014, 10:30 PM
 
Location: My House
29,263 posts, read 24,694,794 times
Reputation: 22700
Stay on topic, please. OP should not have to defend her caregiving philosophy as relates to aged family members.
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-05-2014, 10:34 PM
 
Location: My House
29,263 posts, read 24,694,794 times
Reputation: 22700
OP,

His POV is part cultural and part mama's boy. I think you know that already.

It's up to you to figure out whether or not you want a relationship with someone like him.

Your posts seem to indicate, however, that your philosophies on the subject of extended family and time spent with them don't match.

That's a biggie.
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-05-2014, 10:44 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 19,689,926 times
Reputation: 16105
Quote:
Originally Posted by expatlily View Post
Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He's 29, I'm 26.
My problem- His family is just too overpresent in our life. It's just way too much for me.
He's from a Latin family, so in that culture it's pretty normal to be very close to the family. But even for being Latin he's overly extreme.
I do like his family, I get along with them very well- But I feel like we don't get enough alone time and that he always chooses his family over me.

Examples:

- His family lives only 5 min (car) from his place. He sees them at least 4-6 times per week. And not just for an hour or so, usually at least 3 hours to up to a whole day

- When I wanna go for lunch with him he often says he already made plans with his family but I'm welcome to join

- He calls his mom at least 1-3 times per day, even on days where they see each other

- He sometimes brings dirty clothes or clothes with holes in it to his mom so she can wash or sew them

- His father recently lost his job so he's even partly financially providing for his parents and his brother (which is nice from him but if that goes on like this for the next couple of years.. his mom is a housewife although her youngest son is 25, but she doesn't wanna work or cancel paid TV to save money)

- We went a whole week to a rented house to a village with his whole family (including cousins, aunts, grandma etc.) and afterwards he still wants to see them a day later

.. I can give a lot more examples.



This stuff has been annoying me for a while but I never said anything because I don't want to stand between him and his family. But a recent thing is really over the top for me- There was a water accident in his apartment so all floors are destroyed. They took out the floors already and there is a lot of fungus so he has to wait a month to let everything dry and put new floors. Instead of asking me if he can live with me for a month he directly moved in to his parents, where he has to sleep on a mattress. I live alone in a nice apartment with a big bed and I also offered him to live with me for that month. He didn't directly say no, but he didn't seem too excited about the idea. I told him that it is absolutely no problem and I would be happy to have him here, but he just avoided that topic. He moved in with his parents and is now staying at my place a few nights per week. He never wants to bring clothes to my apartment or anything else, when he sleeps here he just brings underwear for the next day. I don't get it. We've been together for 1.5 years and it has been going great, living together for a month would be a nice test to see how it would be to live together in the future. Instead, he chooses his parents over me. Is that normal?

I really don't know what to think. I love him a lot, but I just think this family thing is too much. I mean, now he even chooses to live with his parents instead of living with his girlfriend.


What are your thoughts?
My thoughts are that if you plan on staying with him you better get used to this. With him being Latin and so close to his family now, that won't change. If you stay together and one day marry and have kids you will still be dealing with this, possibly even more than now, especially once there are children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-05-2014, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Wandering in the Dothraki sea
1,343 posts, read 1,162,606 times
Reputation: 3227
Follow your instinct. He's treating you like a doormat. Defensive mamas boys do not make good husbands. This sounds like a nightmare.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2014, 01:03 AM
 
1,235 posts, read 1,075,137 times
Reputation: 1287
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
If he wanted to stay with you, he would. Men arent as complicated as people make them out to be. He doesnt want to live with you. Get over it, deal with it or move on.
I agree with this too. He obviously is not ready with living together phase yet. Just ask him why, OP.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2014, 02:47 AM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,416 posts, read 24,297,698 times
Reputation: 16399
If I was with a girl for 1.5 years, I wouldn't want to be living with her.

You're no better, you're just on the other end of the spectrum.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2014, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,575,026 times
Reputation: 5213
Once a Mama's Boy, always a Mama's Boy, it will never change. My father was one, his mama was always his top priority.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2014, 08:05 AM
 
17 posts, read 19,272 times
Reputation: 27
Update: Yes, we talked again, although many of you said it won't bring anything anyway. But if my relationship ends I wanna talk everything out at least.

So finally he said that it is not true that he sees his parents place as his official living place. But that he just wants to use the opportunity of him not having an apartment- He said he likes to be with them and this is a great opportunity to spend more time with them (af if he didn't already spend a lot of time with them before) because who knows what the future brings (he said maybe he will move away, who knows... but that's just bla bla, he told me many times he would never move away).

He said a future with me is still uncertain for him because our relationship is 'a rollercoaster'. On many days we're absolutely happy and everything is perfect and then we're having fights. To be honest, I didn't even see the fights we had as a big deal and I found them usually to be initiated by him and I saw that just of one of his flaws which I acceepted. Apparently he sees that differently. He said often when we have a fight we just stop talking for a while instead of talking things out and he doesn't like this at all. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing there because I tried so many times to talk things out but it never worked. He usually got just more angry when I tried to talk and even told me sometimes we just shouldn't talk at all. And I never blamed him, it was usually more my attempt to fix small fights and explain him in a quiet tone our different views of opinions. So usually when I see that he just gets more angry or even tells me we shouldn't talk yes, then I stopped talking and we didn't talk for a long time sometimes. I saw it as his flaw and thought maybe he just needs this time of shutting up for a while to get over his anger. But apparently it made it worse. So I really don't know what he's expecting from me. If I try to talk he gets angry and it doesn't lead to anywhere. If I shut up it also doesn't help at all. Here is a recent example of a situation like that:


Me and him at his parents apartment at 11pm- We bought Christmas gifts for them together.

Him: Wanna wrap the presents for them now?

Me: I'd prefer to do it tomorrow, I'm really tired.

Him (getting directly pissed): Pff, okay, very nice.

Me: Well, you asked me! I would prefer to do it tomorrow. But if you really wanna do it now I will help you, no problem.

Then he didn't answer anymore, just shook his head and started to tidy up the room. I tried again and again to talk to him, said "Why are you angry now? You asked me and I told you my honest opinion" and "Let's talk about it. I can really help you to do it now if you want to." but he didn't talk to me at all til the next morning.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top