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I have no idea what you're talking about. I you want to ask for a second opinion on whether you should have sex with someone, go ahead.
If two people both want to have sex. Have sex. Don't play games with sex. Simple.
I understand what you are saying; the problem is axiomatic expressions don't say anything.
* If two people want to have sex, have sex
* If one person does not want to have sex, then no sex
All outcomes are always true. I have plenty of impulses to have sex, many of them would land me in jail.
The other problem is you assume human consciousness is all that is relevant ,as if basic impulses are vestigal organs. The reason why game playing happens, often without conscious thought, is because coyness in females and sexual jealousy in males has had advantages in survival whether it is consciously desired or not.
I love food too, but I have no delusions that the pleasure is not tied basic biochemistry. My mind is made up to satisfy the drive, not really the other way around.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,092,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007
I think 'holding-out' may be a negatively connotative word choice and if he had used the words 'holding off on sex' it may have made a difference in how you are perceiving it. Holding off does not have the 'game playing' stigma you've attached to 'holding out.' Holding off on sex, by both parties, gives them the opportunity to really get to know someone's personality and interests and develop of more emotional bond quite often.
Ok, this makes sense.
However, there is a downside to this. I'm doing this with a dating relationship right now. We've been waiting, partially because of circumstance (day care for her kids), but partially as we're in no rush.
The downside potential exists that as you become more connected emotionally, if you're not sexually compatible (I think we are, but you never really know), it hurts more when you end it.
If you're a person that believes emotional connection can overcome bad sex, or if you're emotionally connected the sex can never really be "bad", then this is a good strategy. I'm not one of those people.
I've been madly in love and we've not been able to make it work in the bedroom and we've broken up (including an engagement) and it hurt bad. I won't do that again. Thankfully we've transitioned to a friendship, and in fact she got married (And I went), but it was a rough break up because of bad sex.
So you're implying someone with a higher number of partners puts out too fast and waiting longer guarantees something?
Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing. Not a thing in life. But if we put all this back to what the OP posed in the first post, obviously something isn't working for her or in her favor by having this bed jumping high number and she IS asking what she can do to better her chances and opportunities and these are suggestions of what she might want to think about. There are no hard and fast rules, but if we stick to the OP and her issue, things may make more sense.
I suppose. But me personally, if I am emotionally attracted to a girl I will wait till whenever she is ready, whether that be 2 dates or two months,
If she was genuinely not ready yet, for whatever reason, I would wait two months, too. If I she was intentionally holding off as a form of manipulation, as you suggested earlier, I'd run for the hills. Talk about dodging a bullet.
However, there is a downside to this. I'm doing this with a dating relationship right now. We've been waiting, partially because of circumstance (day care for her kids), but partially as we're in no rush.
The downside potential exists that as you become more connected emotionally, if you're not sexually compatible (I think we are, but you never really know), it hurts more when you end it.
If you're a person that believes emotional connection can overcome bad sex, or if you're emotionally connected the sex can never really be "bad", then this is a good strategy. I'm not one of those people.
I've been madly in love and we've not been able to make it work in the bedroom and we've broken up (including an engagement) and it hurt bad. I won't do that again. Thankfully we've transitioned to a friendship, and in fact she got married (And I went), but it was a rough break up because of bad sex.
Then there is a red flag in your posts which may indicate you do not have any patience for much and just expect another person to know what you want or be prepared to want to do everything right from the get-go. Learn to COMMUNICATE. Discuss the type of things you want and not always in the bedroom. If someone is impatient they definitely give off a vibe that does not make for a comfortable or secure setting for someone else to express themselves or let alone express themselves sexually.
You might just be sabotaging yourself and don't even know it.
If she was genuinely not ready yet, for whatever reason, I would wait two months, too. If I she was intentionally holding off as a form of manipulation, as you suggested earlier, I'd run for the hills. Talk about dodging a bullet.
When did I say manipulation? You keep interjecting.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,092,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007
Then there is a red flag in your posts which may indicate you do not have any patience for much and just expect another person to know what you want or be prepared to want to do everything right from the get-go. Learn to COMMUNICATE. Discuss the type of things you want and not always in the bedroom. If someone is impatient they definitely give off a vibe that does not make for a comfortable or secure setting for someone else to express themselves or let alone express themselves sexually.
You might just be sabotaging yourself and don't even know it.
You have this bizarre idea that communication and trust will over come base sexual incompatibility. Nothing is further from the truth. Been there, spent years trying that, learned from the idiocy of trying to change people's fundamental nature.
And of course I communicate. That is what occurs during dating. That is one reason my success at finding good matches has improved over my 20s and 30s. I can weed out people more directly through communication.
Of course, now that I've gotten older I've been blessed in that I'm dating people that know exactly what they like sexually and are willing to go take it. There is none of this juvenile "I want to feel safe, and trusted, and not judged before I can let go sexually" crud, it is more like "I like this, put this here, I need this to get off, my turn, etc" and if I don't step up and satisfy them they'll move on to someone that does.
Of course, my sexual life is pretty darn good right now. Not the best as I lost a lover to a relationship, but it is full and the people I sleep with are good friends which is great.
Well you should probably understand that the men on this site are NOT indicative of the general population.
Don't try to be someone you're not. If you really like a guy and the sex happens early on, then that's fine. If the guy runs away because of it, well he probably wasn't worth it in the first place.
And if a guy has a problem with more than 10 sexual partners, he's probably a loser or way too religious.
That sounds harsh, but it's the truth.
"NOT indicative of the general population."
It may be indicative of the general population as a whole across the US and world, but not those you or I may associate with. I hope that isn't the case but it may be.
"And if a guy has a problem with more than 10 sexual partners,"
IRL I don't know of any men I associate with who even bring this topic up. If they meet a woman who is attractive to them and they get along they most likely continue to see her unless shes tripping over all the men trying to have sex with her (I'm thinking the Jenifer Lawrence character in Silver Lining Play book).
You have this bizarre idea that communication and trust will over come base sexual incompatibility. Nothing is further from the truth. Been there, spent years trying that, learned from the idiocy of trying to change people's fundamental nature.
And of course I communicate. That is what occurs during dating. That is one reason my success at finding good matches has improved over my 20s and 30s. I can weed out people more directly through communication.
Of course, now that I've gotten older I've been blessed in that I'm dating people that know exactly what they like sexually and are willing to go take it. There is none of this juvenile "I want to feel safe, and trusted, and not judged before I can let go sexually" crud.
Of course, my sexual life is pretty darn good right now. Not the best as I lost a lover to a relationship, but it is full and the people I sleep with are good friends which is great.
Then go for it my friend - whatever makes you happy.
You lost a 'lover' to a relationship so this was just a sex partner and we are talking LTR's here.
ETA: You have this bizarre notion everyone is born from the womb knowing everything there is to know about sex and what YOU want. I can tell you that after 10 years in a relationship things got better and better and better.
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. I hope that isn't the case but it may be.
