Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No ambition here either. But I have never dated anyone, had a girlfriend, etc. I have buddies that are similar to me by being poor and broke all the time Yet they score tons of chicks because they can strum a guitar or pose as starving artist. Unfortunately I have no such talents or abilities so I will always be seen as boring.
I suppose what entails ambition is different at different economic levels. Someone who goes to 4-8 years of college to be an engineer to make 100k a year is extremely ambitious to me. But this is coming from someone who has never made more than 16,000 a year.
Skip that corporate ladder nonsense. I with the guy on this making that good of money and want to avoid the extra stress just for some more? Content is not a bad thing I know guys and family who even if they did not make engineer they were able to pay their bills and whatever. Most people are just trying to get a point to be content one of those small things that get taken for granted.
One element worth mentioning is the influence our friends and family have. Your partner might not think you're ambitious enough, but that might be coming from your partner's friends and family. Maybe it's their opinions she's concerned with. Let's face it. We all like to claim we're independent, that we have minds of our own, that we don't let our friends and family dictate how he run our lives. But sadly, a lot of people DO worry about what others will think of them. How often do we hear someone say "you could do better" when it comes to judging the person you're with? It could be their looks, their personality, or their occupation. And I think you're more likely to see this in high achievers. The doctor who comes from a family of doctors looking down her husband because he chose a less prestigious, lesser paying profession. I don't know much about my friend's ex's family. But it wouldn't surprise me if her circle of friends are like her and maybe she's too busy comparing him to their significant others. "Oh, Judy's husband just got promoted to project manager. Why aren't you a manager too?"
I have a buddy with an Asian wife, they're both very ambitious people but she takes things to the next level! She's a sweet girl, I think she was just raised to keep improving, I think she'd feel like complete failure to her family if she didn't get perfect grades and that 250K/year analyst job. They moved all over the country to keep improving her career. He's doing pretty well himself and keeps improving, but he's had to take some setbacks because they kept moving. Their lives revolve around work, I'd hate it!
She gets pretty annoyed with underachievers, A buddy of ours was doing pretty well for himself and ended up getting cancer. He beat it after a long battle but afterwords he kinda quit his career path and moved to Whitefish, MT to be a ski-bum basically.
She is always asking us why he doesn't go back to work, or go back to school. It drives her nuts! I always tell her the guy almost died, I think he can figure it out from here!
One element worth mentioning is the influence our friends and family have. Your partner might not think you're ambitious enough, but that might be coming from your partner's friends and family. Maybe it's their opinions she's concerned with. Let's face it. We all like to claim we're independent, that we have minds of our own, that we don't let our friends and family dictate how he run our lives. But sadly, a lot of people DO worry about what others will think of them. How often do we hear someone say "you could do better" when it comes to judging the person you're with? It could be their looks, their personality, or their occupation. And I think you're more likely to see this in high achievers. The doctor who comes from a family of doctors looking down her husband because he chose a less prestigious, lesser paying profession. I don't know much about my friend's ex's family. But it wouldn't surprise me if her circle of friends are like her and maybe she's too busy comparing him to their significant others. "Oh, Judy's husband just got promoted to project manager. Why aren't you a manager too?"
I hope that is not as common as it sounds cause that sounds like hell in handbasket. I guess maybe in high school and college a bit it might be about looks but later it shifts to status if that is the case it makes sense even though it still is pretty messed up.
I agree it could be that whole comparing thing a mix of being a high achiever and those gender roles creeping in probably might be where she is coming from unfortunately.
A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. She was the one who ended it, citing his lack of ambition as the reason. I can understand if he were working a minimum wage job and had no desire to look for something better, but that wasn't the case. He works as an engineer making around 100K per year. But he has no desire to move up the corporate ladder to a managerial position. He likes what he's currently doing, doesn't want the added stress of a more senior position, and doesn't want to work longer hours to make more money which he doesn't need. She, on the other hand, is definitely more ambitious. She makes 80K now and is on track to pass the 6-figure mark in another year or two. It wasn't a complete surprise that they broke up. He had mentioned to me several times how she was pressuring him to pursue a higher job, almost as if she was embarrassed that he wasn't aiming higher.
Do you think it's fair to push your partner to aim higher than what they want? How important is it that two people have the same level of ambition? Would you be upset if your partner suddenly decided they wanted a downgrade (not as drastic as what Kevin Spacey did in American Beauty, but maybe one step down from where they are now)?
No. I don't think it's fair to force someone to do something they're unprepared to do or do not feel comfortable doing.
Accept the person you are with or don't. But, don't command or demand they be something you want to be but are not.
Or PERHAPS, it's the chemistry between the two people that brings about the best in both people should they want to strive for more and better in life that seems to be lacking in the relationship.
Maybe she just didn't bring out the best in him (partially because she wasn't in love with him?) or maybe they're not a good match. I've seen people place pretty high demands on their partner, and usually what they lack is a bit of empathy for their situation, or they're TOTALLY incongruent with one another (so NOT on the same page), but the underlying reason for placing such high demands usually is because:
1) they think the person's not good enough
2) they think they're better than their partners somehow
3) they truly do not love the person they're with
4) ready to walk out the door for any x,y,z reasons (not just ambitions, anything- Ex: you eat cracker the wrong way)
A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. She was the one who ended it, citing his lack of ambition as the reason. I can understand if he were working a minimum wage job and had no desire to look for something better, but that wasn't the case. He works as an engineer making around 100K per year. But he has no desire to move up the corporate ladder to a managerial position. He likes what he's currently doing, doesn't want the added stress of a more senior position, and doesn't want to work longer hours to make more money which he doesn't need. She, on the other hand, is definitely more ambitious. She makes 80K now and is on track to pass the 6-figure mark in another year or two. It wasn't a complete surprise that they broke up. He had mentioned to me several times how she was pressuring him to pursue a higher job, almost as if she was embarrassed that he wasn't aiming higher.
Do you think it's fair to push your partner to aim higher than what they want? How important is it that two people have the same level of ambition? Would you be upset if your partner suddenly decided they wanted a downgrade (not as drastic as what Kevin Spacey did in American Beauty, but maybe one step down from where they are now)?
Sounds stupid to me.
Who says she's going to make it. Anything could happen and she could find herself unemployed and on her behind, especially if she works in finance. I knew lots of people who were 'positioned' to make it in finance, but never did.
If she was a cardiologist or something and he was what he an engineer making 75K, then I could see it. That's a more realistic scenario, and I have seen that type of thing in my extended social circle.
Accept the person you are with or don't. But, don't command or demand they be something you want to be but are not.
There's the old joke about how women marry men and spend the rest of their lives trying to change them. Unfortunately, there's an element of truth to that. A woman might find a guy that she thinks has lots of potential and she tries to mold him into her ideal partner. But when he resists, she gets upset. That feels like what happened with my friend. His ex saw in him someone who could do really well in his career, move up to manager, director, maybe even CEO. But he obviously doesn't want that. I get the feeling she's selfish, more concerned with how his career reflects on her than on whether it's what he even wants.
There's the old joke about how women marry men and spend the rest of their lives trying to change them. Unfortunately, there's an element of truth to that. A woman might find a guy that she thinks has lots of potential and she tries to mold him into her ideal partner. But when he resists, she gets upset. That feels like what happened with my friend. His ex saw in him someone who could do really well in his career, move up to manager, director, maybe even CEO. But he obviously doesn't want that. I get the feeling she's selfish, more concerned with how his career reflects on her than on whether it's what he even wants.
Probably why I chose not to marry. I don't think it's fair to want to change someone you're with. Perhaps I can vouch to say that, bc I've been on the receiving end and also I was with someone I felt guilty wasn't what I wanted and I knew in my heart would be unfair to place demands he changes.
I get a feeling she doesn't love him, whatsoever. He makes a decent salary and has a stable career. Maybe I'm reaching but she probably is getting her ego to her head quite a bit, and some people truly do value material things over 'actual people' to a pathological level. She may be one of those (pretentious heartless B's), and thank goodness she didn't have kids with him.. more little narcissists runnin' bout this planet. Sheesh!
Probably why I chose not to marry. I don't think it's fair to want to change someone you're with. Perhaps I can vouch to say that, bc I've been on the receiving end and also I was with someone I felt guilty wasn't what I wanted and I knew in my heart would be unfair to place demands he changes.
I get a feeling she doesn't love him, whatsoever. He makes a decent salary and has a stable career. Maybe I'm reaching but she probably is getting her ego to her head quite a bit, and some people truly do value material things over 'actual people' to a pathological level. She may be one of those (pretentious heartless B's), and thank goodness she didn't have kids with him.. more little narcissists runnin' bout this planet. Sheesh!
I never really got to know her that well. Most of what I know of her comes from talking to him. But I'm sure if you asked her, should would claim that she does love him and that the reason she's pushing him to aim higher is because she thinks he'll be happier. This is a mistake a lot of people make, thinking that other people value the same things that we do. She obviously cares about her career and I think it's hard for her to fathom how someone else doesn't, at least not to the extent that she does. Maybe in her mind, he wants to be a manager, but is just afraid. Partners will sometimes push us when he actually need pushing, when we need that confidence boost to do something we're just afraid of doing. But I know his reasons for wanting to stay put have nothing to do with fear. I don't think she realizes that. Or maybe she doesn't respect a man who doesn't have higher ambitions. Overachievers fall into this trap a lot. They make big money and assume everyone else wants to make big money as well.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
